être bien dans sa peau

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 23, 2017

Gemini | May 21 to June 20 The clown car may be an overworked reference, but the doctors can think of no better way to describe the constant stream of clowns issuing from your abdominal cavity.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22 Ultimately there will be nothing your friends can do for you, putting you in the position of having to find more competent friends.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22 The stars say that this week will be a time of reflective contemplation, so postpone your plans to rollerskate around naked except for the gas mask.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22 Just when all hope is gone, you will find a secret stash of Oreos that actually makes up for quite a lot.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22 Just when all hope is gone, you will find a secret stash of Oreos that actually makes up for quite a lot.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21 You’ll lose both legs in a railroad accident next month, but luckily they’ll only be prosthetic replacements for the ones you’ll lose at the zoo this Thursday.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21 No one will be able to figure out your enigmatic last words, and the fact that you’ll live in silence for three more years after uttering them makes that somehow cooler.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19 After becoming a routine victim of bedbugs, you’ll make history as the world’s first victim of chair-, wall-, and all-over-the-catbugs.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 It comes down to whether or not you can play an instrument or drive stick, but no, you won’t get the girl this time, either.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20 You’ve always said that if you were king, you’d make college free, but there won’t be time between your coronation, the palace coup, and the beheading.

Aries | March 21 to April 19 Your daughter’s memory will still haunt your dreams, but it’s a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters.