Beehive Bugle

Santa Stockpiling 100 Billion in Gifts, Whistleblower Elf Alleges

Take your eyes off the skies: It’s not just Santa Claus’s magical sleigh rocketing upwards, but the financial returns of a secret North Pole slush fund, according to the whistleblower complaint filed today with the International Monetary Fund. According to the former investment manager/lead giggle operations officer, Claus has amassed about $100 billion in toys, gifts, non-perishable sugar-plums,…

Hip Company Rents Star Wars Theater For Employees They’ll Lay Off In a Few Months

Employees of ultra-hip HeavIn arrived in droves to the midday showing of Star Wars courtesy of the quirky upstart which will deliver fateful news of termination to all a few months from now.

“I love working here! From the five Lord of the Rings-themed ping-pong tables to the self-serve Lucky Charms marshmallow-only machine in the breakroom, HeavIn is a dream! And they’ve rented out an entire…

Climate Change Is Real :( But So Are These Adorable Dogs!

[tribulant_slideshow gallery_id=1]

Shitload of Gold up Millcreek Canyon, Says Mining Prospector

A mining prospector, Jules Eustace Jacobs, announced early this morning he’s hit the mother lode.

“I guess he claims there’s a ‘shitload’ of gold up in Millcreek Canyon,” said Millcreek mayor Jeff Silvestrini, using air quotes. “I’m not really sure. I’ve got other things to do.”

The aged miner says his conclusion is based on his findings from panning Mill Creek, as well as a “strong gut feeling.”

Dante Exum Expected To Pan Out By 2027

  Raj Mehta-USA TODAY Sports

Responding to rafts of continued criticism over the decision to keep a perpetually injured Dante Exum on board, Jazz management released a statement assuring that the once-highly touted 5th pick will eventually pan out as a reliable, contributing player and an asset to the team by the year 2027. “We understand the frustration of Jazz fans over Exum’s never-ending…

Why Doesn’t The Salt Lake Tribune Just Marry Mia Love?

The Salt Lake Tribune became a heart-fluttering salivating mess in what can only be described as You Might As Well Propose To Her, You Silly Goose after the SLTrib endorsed two-term incumbent Rep. Mia Love’s reelection candidacy for Congress. Sources said that ‘cupid’ still rhymes with ‘stupid.’

The Salt Lake Tribune went undercover on Operation Mia’s Grand in an attempt to ensure Ben McAdams…

Primary Children Celebrate ‘Two Hours With Blocks’ Change To Church

Ecstatic primary children have splattered yogurt and spilled cheerios by applause as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced steps toward a “home-centered model” to reach members where they are; Sunday attendance has now been restructured to be “Two Hours With Blocks” — a welcome and widely anticipated rumor coming to fruition.

“As the church continues to expand throughout the…

Unopened Envelope Ushers in Schrödehlin’s Cat Paradox

A living man is placed across from Temple Square along with an unopened envelope, a camera, a vial of testimony, and a very small amount of radioactive Reddit posts. If even a single upvote of the Reddit post resonates during the test period, a relay mechanism will trip the camera to go live on Facebook, which will, in turn, break the vial of testimony and cause the man to opine. What if he…

The LDS Church issues new name guidelines, appends ‘is True’ to Book of Mormon in all uses

SALT LAKE CITY — Pres. Russell M. Nelson of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued the following statement Thursday afternoon regarding the name of the restored Church of Jesus Christ’s scripture:

“The Lord has impressed upon my mind the importance of the name He has revealed for His Church’s scripture, even The Book of Mormon [is True]. We have work before us to bring ourselves…

Utah Lawmakers Propose Every Teacher Be Chuck Norris To Prevent School Shootings

STATE CAPITOL — In the wake of the school shooting in Florida, where an armed mentally disturbed gunman killed 17 students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in the city of Parkland, the debate over guns has once again reignited in a nation afflicted with frequent occurrences of mass shootings. Amidst the public outcry, Utah lawmakers are put on the spot to come up with solutions to this…

Drunk or Treat – Unfortunate Typo Creates Parking Lot Chaos

SALT LAKE CITY – It was a gruesome scene at the 2nd Annual South Salt Lake Trunk or Treat Tuesday afternoon as a typographical mistake on the advertising for the event led to tragedy.  It was a collision between parents seeking a safe space for the candy-ransoming kids, and the alcohol-fueled misadventures of Salt Lake Community College’s student body, and this time, it’s the kids who were caught…

Holland and Uchtdorf Satiate in First Session, No More Talks Needed

Thousands of relieved General Conference viewers are calling the weekend “as good as done” after Elders Holland and Uchtdorf finished their respective talks in the first session of the 187th Semiannual General Conference. “That stud Elder Holland quoted Tolstoy, which in-and-of-itself will be better than anything else proffered this half-year, so I’m already planning on a run to Brick Oven,” said…

Monson Eschews Prophetic Duties To Cheer On Apostate Facebook Drama

LDS Church Pres. Thomas S. Monson has decreased his day-to-day involvement in leadership meetings of the 16-million member church, and while many speculate this is a result of his advancing age, some church insiders point to the 89-year-old’s new passion as the reason for his recent “less active” status. “Bless his heart, President just can’t stop refreshing his Facebook feed,” said a close…

Progressive Podcast Community Invited To Scientology Stories Cruise

The past decade has been seismic for the Church of Scientology as high-profile members have left, critical media has been created and disseminated, and some post-Scientologists have leveraged their infamy to shine light on what they see as harmful association with the church. Now, for a reasonable market rate, those formerly brainwashed who have left the church without meeting Scientologist Tom…

Dr. Kathie Allen’s Platform Announces He Won’t Run For Reelection in 2018

Dr. Kathie Allen’s Platform, the incumbent for Utah’s 3rd Congressional District, shocked the nation when it was announced he won’t run for reelection. The approval rating of Dr. Kathie Allen’s Platform has dropped 21 percent since Trump’s election, particularly after an unwillingness to investigate Pres. Trump’s conflicts of interest after droolingly hounding every facet of Sec. Hillary…