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As for the game: I come in and the first round I play has no one listen to me whether they’re the Imposter or not, and I’m not going to scream because I don’t have the patience for that. I already knew that M controlled the game because most peoples’ personalities aren’t going to name people when they don’t know, including me. But H is also able to do that. So I already know that the game is likely dominated by M and H. No one listens to me even when I ask a non-innocuous question, and one that could have led to the killer, so obviously I feel like everyone is ignoring me, which makes me feel likeI have little power. As a note, I do realize N was also pretty outspoken, but come round 2, and the other Imposter dies immediately, and then N dies, I don’t even know who else is playing besides M and H, and I can see everyone is crowding together to wait it out. I’m too lazy and dislike being the Imposter in the first place, I have no intention to verbally argue, I have no intention to lie or point blame, so of course I just get it over with and kill with everyone around. It makes sense why I seem grouchy and negative, but it’s hard not to be when small things innately have already convinced me that there’s little point in trying, and to try would require doing things that I’m not interested in nor comfortable doing without any mental preparation. While I think the game is indeed like Mafia in that it will often come down to acting or that acting can change everything, the difference is that 1. it is possible for someone to have undeniable proof and while it is still deniable for other players that did not see the murder happen, it definitely decreases motivation to lie for the normal person, and 2. everything is on the phone so the loudest people are heard wherein Mafia in person usually allows everyone to speak so long as it looks like they’re trying to speak. It’s somehow a lot easier to ignore people over phone. In any case, long story short, if someone is made to feel like they have no power and there is no point, they will rebel against society. I mean, dramatic comparison, but the BLM riots should have told you that to some degree.

Also the Office is making me stressed because I know the story will go to hell from here. As always, Michael is being selfish and costing hundreds of dollars of waste, but no one tells him that any stupid changes come out of his pocket. Furthermore, it’s based on his selfish and romanticized vision for himself with Holly, which Holly himself told him was a lie. And he damaged her things because of his anger at the fact that she didn’t want to be with him over her long term boyfriend. He’s acting like the typical predator and womanizer that has given guys a bad rep. Yet he’s going to get the girl because the writers made it so that Holly’s boyfriend will refuse to give her what she wants, and Holly gives no shits that Michael is toxic and scary and has some ideal version of her that she will not always follow. And of course, since the seahorse incident they’re just ignoring Erin and Andy now, whom they made as cute and just ignored because they refuse to let it be happy. Yet at the same time the episode ends kinda on a moral upward note, which is also against the original Office style. It’s like an upward that is both a bit too sappy but also not nice enough to feel good for the audience.

Yukino is codependent on Hachiman and her mother/parents. Her self-esteem is tied to what her mother thinks of her and her role as second daughter who does not have the right to take over her father’s job. It further gets tied to Hachiman’s success, which winds up causing her to want to rely on him to save her. She’s aware of her dependence on both her parents and Hachiman, as shown by episode 1 of Kan and 4, respectively.

Hachiman is codependent on both Yukino and Yui, and probably anyone who comes to him for help. He lost all his self-worth and I don’t think he understands or cares for the concept anymore. But he has a need to be useful and to save people. He is not as aware of this problem, so Hiratsuka-sensei makes him admit it when asking why he wants to be involved in the prom when Yukino doesn’t want him to. However, I’m still unsure why sensei still let him join when he admits this. I don’t know how Hachiman will fix this, when he doesn’t exhibit not taking care of himself, and the change needs to be internal, not external like Yukino telling him she doesn’t want help.

Because despite the fact that Yukino and Hachiman’s first meeting was described via Hachiman’s perspective in a way that sounds like they’re gonna get together, personality-wise, they’re both ultimately pretty stubborn and cold, wherein Yui is the exact opposite of both. I can imagine Yui able to overcome any hurdle if need be, but I can’t always see that with Hachiman and Yukino.

Like, yeah I want Yukino to have someone, but that’s a different story.

And if I were Yui, I’d understand wanting to step out of the way simply because Yukino is her best friend and she wants her best friend to be happy.

Many people say Yui knows that Hachiman loves Yukino, but I definitely wouldn’t think that. I don’t think that he’s chosen anything and I don’t think his personality would ever let him after his middle school traumas.

But Yui’s behavior makes sense despite that, and makes her kinder for it. I don’t think she acts the way she acts because she feels hopeless against Yukino if they were ever to fight for Hachiman. She acts the way she acts because she doesn’t want to fight against Yukino, period. Whether he likes her or not. Whether Yukino is willing to fight for Hachiman or not. It’s not a feeling of hopeless, it’s a bittersweet feeling of wanting her friend to be happy despite knowing she herself cannot. I don’t think Hachiman really factored into her thoughts because they’re not even at that part of the problem.

As for the photo, a comment said it was because Yukino made a face that Yui never saw, meaning Hachiman brought out a side of Yukino that she can’t and somehow that equals Hachiman loving Yukino!? WTF, I WILL FIGHT THAT PERSON, THAT MAKES NO SENSE. NO. Because Yukino makes that scared face in scary situations, period, and Yukino rode with Yui on Universe Mountain in which Yukino said she was afraid. So no, wtf. The importance of the photo is simply that she has the photo of just the two of them, and it’s hidden so it’s important! Which means that Yukino acknowledged her feelings, and so Yui realized this.

But damn, that last line. How the hell did Toyama Nao now like bawl her eyes out when voicing it. After years of waiting for the end of Oregairu, wherein “something genuine” was like the core of the fandom (like the same way “Always” is for Harry Potter), like.... now they go and rip it out and flip it on its head.

Yui’s never thought about Hachiman because his goals are too different from hers and Yukino’s. Hachiman wanted something genuine, which implied a friendship among all three. Yui knows that it’s impossible to have something genuine if they have feelings for him and hide it, and also if two of them get together, and also if no one gets together but they want to get together. Meanwhile, Yukino is still unsure about everything. She knows she likes Hachiman, but she doesn’t want to act. She was still in denial at the time of Hachiman saying he wanted something genuine, so she can’t say like Yui that she was lying. But I think she had wanted to suppress her feelings like Yui. Though I don’t know or think it was for the sake of letting Yui have him as much as not to destroy anything.

But I don’t think a romantic relationship can be genuine either, at least not for years. The beginning is too much wanting to be loved in return. I don’t know if Yukino can give him a true “something real” at this rate. I wonder what it is. In the first place, they’re not like normal high schoolers who would just start dating... 

I think that Yui confronting Yukino about her feelings at least is in store. I don’t know if it will end with Hachiman getting with anyone (I can’t imagine it), or even if they ever properly confess to him (although I think he understood with Yui’s cookies despite her saying it’s just a thank you). I can’t imagine in 12 episodes that I will feel better about this AND other fans feel better, because most fans will want someone (Yukino) to date Hachiman, wherein my only ideal at the moment is just if Yui and Yukino talked it out and it was just left on the table as truth and not acted upon because they treasure the 3 of them more. After graduation, I think it would be less stress if Hachiman dated, but unless he is like for sure “I only like this person and want to be with her for the rest of my life” which is not a vibe I get from him, I think that all 3 of them treasure the 3 of them more than a romance.

Hachiman’s self-destructive tendencies hurt the people that care about him. They expressed that to him after the confession to Ebina, especially Yui. He got the point, at least by the time of the Iroha for student council president brainstorming session.

Yukino tries to avoid Hachiman’s self-destructive tendencies by instead sacrificing herself for student council president. She also may have selfish reasons involving her sister. She also knows that she would excel so it’s no big deal.

Yui hates that too, so she decides to run too, to save both Hachiman and Yukino, and thus the club she loves.

Hachiman is lost as to what to do. Or rather, he knows that Yukino or Yui being student council president would solve the surface problem (Iroha’s request) at hand, so logically, there’s no reason to do anything else. However, he doesn’t like it. Because he too feels like everyone is sacrificing themselves, and/or because the club he loves would disappear.

He asks Komachi for help. She tells him that she’s used to him hurting himself and so while she’s a little sad, she knows that’s ingrained in him, and that’s his messed-up mentality.

In any case, she gives him a reason to avoid disseminating his logical stance, lets him ignore his emotions, and allows him to pretend that his reason for taking action is based on Komachi’s request.

When Hachiman convinces Iroha to be student council president, Yui is relieved because the club can stay as-is. 

However, Yukino is not happy. She says, “And here I thought you’d understand everything.”

Neither Yui nor Hachi is sure if it is because she actually wanted to be student council president and failed to express it (I think).

(While there is a possibility it also has to do with how Hachiman took action without consulting with them and shouldered everything again, I doubt it because she knows he’s a loner more than anyone and like Yui should understand that he can’t change his ways so easily. A few other mentions down the next few episodes seems to confirm it as the most likely reason.) 

In the following days, she is clearly off, but refuses to say anything. Yui and Hachiman notice but ignore it. Neither are the type to push about anyone’s feelings.

The student council Christmas event happens. It’s a mess.

Hachiman meets Yukino on accident. She tells him that he didn’t need to lie or apologize about Iroha’s request because he’s doing it on his own and it’s his life, and basically she has no right or reason to have a say, and it’s not like she’d be any help. He said he does things alone just because he’s always been like that. She says she’s different, that he is able to solve things where she can only pretend to be capable and understand things. She says he doesn’t need to doesn’t need to come to the club anymore and look out for her and Yui.

He meets Hirotsuka-sensei. She tells him that he took on Iroha’s request by himself in order to prevent the other 2 from getting involved because he didn’t want to hurt them—particularly Yukinoshita (I guess because she really wanted to be student council president). She says he needs to think about why he didn’t want to hurt them—because he cares for them. Humans will always get hurt, whether you know it or not. But because he is aware that something might hurt them, it means he cares about them. And when you care about someone, when you hurt them, it should be of will instead of by accident.

The next day, Hachiman goes to the club room and asks Yui and Yukino for help with the student council Christmas event. Yui is happy, but Yukino and Hachiman both agree that Hachiman got himself into this mess by making Iroha president and taking on her request by himself, so logically she doesn’t need to help.

Yui doesn’t like it. She tell Yukino that she’s unfair and that her passive aggressive demeanor is unfair, and that no one will understand if she doesn’t express her real intents.

Yukino also says Yui is unfair. That Yui pretended that everything was ok, so Yukino did the same, thinking that they should put a bandaid on everything.

Hachiman disagrees with Yui’s thoughts on talking. He says that even if someone says something doesn’t mean things will be good. Even if someone said someone aloud, he might not believe them and try to find ulterior motives.

He says he doesn’t want words. He doesn’t want to be understood, he doesn’t want friendship, or companionship.

He wants something “genuine.” He wants to understand people. But he knows that most people don’t want that—they they want to keep a good relationships on the surface, avoid conflict, and avoid being vulnerable or understood too deeply. He wants a relationship where people can both “burden each other with the repulsive self-gratification of understanding each other.” He doesn’t care about his own output, but he wants all the input, and that’s why up until now he has separated himself from others in order to simply observe and understand, since he cares not for others caring about him. He doesn’t want to be vulnerable, but he wants others to be. But that’s something no one wants. So if there’s a relationship where all parties are free to openly desire that of the other, then it can be an impetus to push someone to be vulnerable so that the others can understand the “real” them, and thus become “genuine.”

(To clarify, no one has shown an ingenuous version of themselves the way Iroha does to people, though neither he nor Yukino have been willing to give others the satisfaction of understanding themselves. Hachiman doesn’t have any secrets like Yukino and is fairly open with his opinions, but he never allows himself to be vulnerable.)

Yukino says she doesn’t understand. She is visibly afraid and runs away. Hachiman too is reeling about letting himself be so vulnerable. But Yui pushes him to follow Yukino.

Yukino says she doesn’t understand what “genuine” is. She is afraid to want to be closer. To understand beyond what the surface can tell you. And to be vulnerable in return and offer that side of herself to others.

Yui says she doesn’t understand either. But she says they’ll get closer to “genuine” by talking more, and even then there will probably be dishonesty and lies and hidden feelings and things they won’t be ready to share yet, but as long as they keep trying and they want to reach a goal where information can flow freely through them without hindrance, maybe they can reach it... But more than anything, she hates right now, where they pretend they’re ok. Where they’re at an impasse and can’t get closer.

Hachiman Fights for: the end with the highest satisfaction for all parties excluding himself, the end he considers most effective Willing to Sacrifice: social standing (his self-worth, his mental health) Examples: pretending to like Hina so that Tobe wasn’t heartbroken and Hina wasn’t troubled and their group dynamic remained the same; letting Sena play the victim in order to get her to do her duties but remain a horrible human; willing to put himself down in front of the school in order to stop Iroha from becoming student council president Motivation: Likely because (like he says later in the series) he subconsciously wishes for something “genuine” and so while his behavior unintentionally perpetuates the superficiality that he purports to hate, he himself is genuine (like Rumi) and wants to help people. His behavior serves to ironically reinstate his bitter beliefs that nothing is genuine, yet at the same time is a call for help in desiring something genuine. Someone else commented that it is both narcissistic and self-deprecating—he fuels reasons to hate himself because he becomes further away from his ideals himself, yet he also increases his cynical stance and confidence in his methods when they work. 

Yukinoshita Fights for: the ideal end, the end she considers right Willing to Sacrifice: hard work (her body and time) Examples: willingness to run for student council president because Iroha and the school would be happy and she would undoubtedly do a good job, taking on Sena’s duties as leader of the festival despite refusing the role herself because then the festival would at least get done correctly Motivation: Still unsure, because there are parts they’ve alluded to that I still don’t understand yet, like how her mom handles things.

Anyways, last September, I was likely raped. I say likely because I’m still hesitant to label it like that because it is someone I know, but I’m pretty sure based on objective evidence of what I know about rape, it would file as rape. But it also hurts me to say I was raped, because it feels like I have am a victim that lost a big part of me—because that’s what being raped means in society—yet I don’t want to see myself that way.

So, I went drinking with someone I know, who is married. I just wanted to go drinking, because drinking is fun. I meet new people. I don’t often get seriously hit on and I never go home with anyone and I’m usually always in control of my body. 

But apparently my body doesn’t have a good control of red wine which I didn’t know until it blacked me out an hour after I had drank it.

Said married “friend” and I were talking to an American couple, stationed at a military base in Okinawa I think. And we went to another bar where I went to the bathroom halfway through, locked the door, and just collapsed on the floor. I blacked out and the wife came and found me and called the friend I was with.

I was partially carried (I don’t think I was piggybacked? But I was at least 75% supported. I could move my legs but not support myself with them) to my friend’s hotel because he said that it was nearby in comparison to my hostel. I cannot stand, there’s not way in hell I could look at my phone to determine if this was true to not, but it probably was. The couple also walked with us to make sure I was ok, but they left when we got to the hotel. The wife was really nice and I think so got me water or something? I just remember she was very kind and texted my friend the next morning.

Now, as always, I use the term friend lightly, as he was the husband of someone I worked with who was willing to drive my other friend and I through Shikoku. I had only talked to him like 4 times really. But really, I don’t expect people that seem human to abuse you when you’re unconscious, so...

Basically, I collapsed on his bed, and wanted to sleep it off. But for some reason he took it as “this is the chance to have sex with her.” And he took off my clothes and forced himself on me. During this time, I was conscious but not in control of my body. And so I distinctly remember saying だめ (no) like 5-10 times. But I’m half alive and still crazy drunk with no energy. My voice can’t sound strong. It sounds like a cutesy weak girl. And he ignored it, as expected. And I thought very clearly, “Oh, this is how it is to be raped.”

To be honest, I gave in, because I knew my body can’t move. I also didn’t want my mind to be “I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I’M SUFFERING.” So I pretended like it was just sex for the sake of pleasure, even though I was morally disgusted by—not the fact that I was being raped really—but the fact that he was married and I knew his wife and it fucking pissed me off that he’s not only cheating on his wife but by raping someone.

Anyways...... another side note, I also remember his fingers were rough, and I didn’t know if he actually put his penis in me so I thought that his penis was small. I confirmed with him later when sober if he put it in and I didn’t want to insult his pride so I didn’t say that but..... that shade is the only thing that amuses me. Though it’s legit.

Anyways, when I woke up, I still remembered everything (I’ve never lost my memory despite throwing up) and ran back to my hostel where my other friend was still at. And if I ever need witnesses in the future (though I don’t know if she’ll remember because she honestly forgets everything), she knew I was gone the entire night, she was worried about me, she know I felt like absolute shit, she was the one that helped me buy hangover medicine, and I told her I threw up in the hostel bathroom. Hopefully she’ll remember one of those facts since I don’t have the phone number of the couple (the guy does though), and the hostel won’t remember a girl throwing up on the men’s toilet floor (he was really chill about it so I guess it’s normal). The rest of the trip around we ignored what happened. I don’t want to force myself to be sad about something.

When we got back from the trip, I did call him out. But I’m unfortunately not good at being confrontational in public, so I waited until we were in a place without people too nearby. By this time and during the trip, it was clearly evident that he had an infatuation with me because he kept trying to touch me and hold my hand and took biased photos of me during the trip. Anyways, I told him that I did not give consent, I told him no many times, and that it’s messed up because he’s married. And like... he said sorry that he did something that bothered me, but he made it seem like he didn’t understand why him being married makes it even worse. And it made me so... I dunno if it’s upset or disgusted or disturbed that his wife is someone who I’ve had a similar number of interactions with. I told him I wanted to tell her to clear my own conscious, but like all douchebags, he starts guilt tripping me by saying that all his businesses will be taken from him and his marriage will be dissolved and he might as well die. And I don’t feel pity for him, but I feel.... a word beyond guilt-tripped. Not blackmailed, but like... the same feeling. Like “I know you’re not serious, but in the 1% chance my life actually does go to shit, this is all because of you.” 

Anyways, I listened to what was going on with him and his wife, but I ultimately I was like wtf do you even want. He and his wife are known to be the only couple in the social group that I know them in that act like they are strangers. Everyone has commented on it. But like based on his biased story, it sounds like they’re both bad at marriage and shouldn’t be married. It was such a Japanese couple where they’re business partners more than life partners, and they don’t even eat dinner together. I didn’t know if I pitied them or was disgusted or irritated or pissed—probably all. Ultimately he blamed their small apartment and said he thinks it’d get better when they move soon, and I was like whatever, doubt it, but fuck your shitty lives. I don’t feel kindness for idiots who decide that lifestyle for themselves.

While I can say it crudely and truly now, to his face I tried to be a nice human. With regard to my last post on girls who don’t say the truth, I can understand not being able to say 100% your true feelings. But when my mind was working right and I truly felt something, I never lied about it, I never said yes when I meant no, though my drunk or confrontation-avoiding tone often did fuck the meaning up to sound a lot nicer than I meant, or I stayed shut in insulting people.

With that said, here are the things that I regret. Japanese entrepreneurship is all about networking—not capabilities (yes, hard to imagine but true from everyone I’ve asked). I knew he had a lot of business connections and experience—all mutual friends kept telling me and literally all of them told me to ask him. So after all this mess, I called him out to ask him to teach me about business. Because we both like to drink, it would end up him refusing to teach me about business in a respectable regard, and instead he would want to flirt with me. I would let it happen because I’m used to letting it happen knowing that I can stop it if it gets too far—which I did despite many attempts to bring me to a love hotel. But I also let him hold my hand, and one time I let him kiss me because I was so drunk, tired, and enjoyed wallowing in his attention. That would probably be my top regret in life, and I’m really sad that I let that happen, even though in the big picture it pales in comparison to rape. But I did have control over that and leading him on after the fact. (I’ve realized I’m a hand holding whore. Literally anyone can hold my hand and I really don’t care, and it’s happened a lot.)

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Anyways, going back to the original topic (sorta; this is all a ramble).

I think the guy who raped me is a horrible human being.

But as someone I know who is connected with a social circle that both of us are largely involved in, I don’t want to hurt him.

I don’t want to believe I’ve been hurt either. More than anything I’m hurt that I’ve been used to hurt his wife and I don’t have the courage to tell her because it would make a mess of a huge social circle. I’ll try to tell her when I leave that social circle and this country for good. If he were single, it wouldn’t have bothered me as much and I could have pretended it was part of the hookup culture.

But like... the rape culture... bothers me. Because I think what he did and all men who rape are obviously very very wrong and deserve to be punished. But like I do know that the guys who are convicted of rape... their lives get ruined from it. And for something that I believe I’m strong enough to not let dictate my life (or want to be strong enough not to, not that I know if that is the truth or not), I don’t want to ruin lives. Yet at the same time, I also think that for a lot of rapists who grew up with such a toxic mentality, destroying their life might be the only way to rebuild them. And like... the person who did it to me, if I talk to him of course he seems human. But I do know that his mind is fucked up. It’s so fucked up and I told him this and he ignores it. And like I don’t care if he dies or his life is ruined, but I also don’t like being the one that is responsible. That in itself feels like the guilt of committing a crime...

There’s where I’m at a standstill. In the past, I thought if I were being cheated on, I would want to know, so I would want to tell the wife for sure. But it’s just way too scary to start a hurricane of crazy, for justice that won’t make me feel better. I know I should think of it in terms of will the wife feel better knowing. But in all honesty, I don’t know. I don’t know if she’d the type that would be able to date, because she's pretty bad at getting truly close to people (I mean, me too so no judgment). Especially since they’re so Japanese in everything else, it just feels like they’ll continue to be a couple in name and not in emotions, because that’s how it’s done in Japan.

I didn’t tell anyone any of this because I didn’t want to make it a big deal. But I did want to chronicle this on tumblr or somewhere so that in the future if I do speak up about it, it wasn’t a sudden lie.

Anyways, I guess in summary.

1. I don’t like how people who are raped must be broken.

In reality, they’re both just fucked up. Neither are clean and neither are completely scum. Within the girl’s story, she already proves that she isn’t innocent. Not that I know what her intent was, if this story was meant to slander Paco or if this was simply a story adding to a movement against many posts by girls to slander Paco. (I couldn’t easily find stuff on it and was too lazy to actually delve beyond Google.) But her story is painting her as a weak-ass bitch. I can’t support that in my generation of technology-dependent Americans—especially if you’re living in the hookup scene.

There’s something that pisses me off about the whole "women being pressured to have sex thing” that I can’t understand. In the past it was “no means no.” Then it changed to “if it’s not yes, it’s a no.” And now it’s at a “even yes can mean no.” 

That fucking pisses me off. I understand why people say that, but I disagree with it. The fucking girls that can’t just keep their fucking traps shut should not be protected for being pathetic. I can’t. I can’t be kind about that. That fucking pisses me off. That is promoting the fact that women can’t control their fucking mind and I don’t fucking accept that.

Ok, I guess I ranted about it before I actually discussed it, but basically here’s what happened:

Paco’s side: Asked a girl to come over, she did and she said she only wanted to cuddle. He wanted to have sex, but was like ok. But then she started making out with him—or maybe it was mutual, I don’t remember who said they started it—and then they start dry humping and she stops and says, “Damn, I lost the bet. I bet my friends I wouldn’t do more than making out.” And he goes, “... Uh, well, do you wanna keep going?” And she says ok and they have sex.

Girl’s side (sorry, while I can look up her name and be respectful, her name means nothing to me since I don’t follow her. For all intents and purposes her existence is simply as a girl. Not to say Paco’s name brand means much besides makes it easy to visualize the happening): He asked her to come over, she said she didn’t think she could a few times. He was texting her and she felt guilty and made time to come over. She tells him that she just wants to cuddle and expected him to follow that. They start making out. She said she didn’t want to have sex a few times but he kept asking and eventually she gave in. She regrets it afterward.

Ok. Now, let’s assume the girl’s story is correct. In which case she fucked up multiple times. She went over when she claims she didn’t want to. She puts her body’s actions under his responsibility? And then she gives into his questions of asking for sex. Coercion to me is not you fucking being weak minded. Coercion is when you feel threatened or forced for a reason beyond sexual desire. Even if he asks you multiple times for sex until you say yes, that is not fucking coercion unless he said he’ll fire you if you don’t or something like that. UGHH I CAN’T.

The majority of people got on his case for this, claiming sexual assault. But if I were a man, if I were in his shoes, how the fuck would you know you’re dealing with a human whose body is not even hers to control? If she says “yes you can touch it,” how the fuck would he know it meant no unless she made any sign otherwise? You may retaliate that her saying no many times before means no, but like (1) I can’t imagine she said no in a way that didn’t seem like a tease considering the flow of events, and (2) why would she say yes or even stay if she didn’t mean it? Someone referred to it as buyer’s remorse, but that’s what it is if there weren’t any actual signs. I can’t imagine they were like “let’s continue making out and continuously hit this sexual stop sign several times. It’s ok. It won’t end up in sex.” That’s just idiotic.

Let’s be clear, it’s fine for her to make a mistake and be an idiot. But that’s what it needs to be recognized as, not as his failure to stop her. It didn’t feel like him pressuring her, but her not communicating her real intentions and for some reason us all expecting him to be psychic. Further, I don’t think she had any control of her own emotions. I think it’s her responsibility to not drive her body around when she is not in control of her emotions.

I went back and read an article about Aziz Ansari. And in all honesty, it’s a similar situation, although Aziz was painted more pushy (unsure if forceful since the beginning of the story is always painted as fast but not against her will as much as surprised at the pace). What she said was that she gave visual and audio cues that she wasn’t happy. But because they’ve built up an atmosphere of lust, like what were the cues? That is a big part of the story. Same with if there was alcohol in either of them. While her non-verbal cues may be as strong as verbal cues (didn’t find enough evidence on what her cues were, but she clearly stated that she expected him to read non-verbal cues), as much as Aziz and all guys need to pay attention to if girls are happy or not (which isn’t something that can be evidence though since it is an interpretation only), the girl needs to say stop with her words too. In Aziz’s case, it sounded like she did say stop eventually and he stopped. But, like, if she simply follows his directions without hesitance, how do you know that she is upset? Guys can’t understand girls when they’re sober, how do you expect them to read subtle cues when they’re sexed up? And like that isn’t even excusing men’s behavior, because I fucking can’t read others’ emotions without hearing their tone of voice and word choice, and that could of course be a lie.

Now, in one of the Aziz articles, someone mentions that it can be difficult for someone to say no, out of fear of their lives or for a job or some sort of power held over you. And I can admit that this, like prey animals, can be ingrained to us to not be able to say it with anyone even if you’re not in fear of any of those things. But like... I still can’t see how your lack of communication is transferred as the guy’s fault.

And like I know it feels like I’m on guys’ side, which makes me feel weird because I am at a point that I don’t trust men (or anyone really but that’s another topic). But just logically, as a female... you need to take control of your own mind. Yes, women’s bodies are easily taken advantage of. Society is trying to teach guys not to take advantage of girls’ bodies. But like girls need to be in control of their minds. There’s a difference between your mind actively deciding against something because of fear for your body or other wellbeing, and just not using your mind.