beckmessering

i think they're representative of two different types of suffering. i don't think it's as simplistic as amfortas with his bleeding wound that won't close representing physical illness and kundry with her curse of immortality and inability to weep representing mental illness because really, these two types of illness overlap and are highly interconnected from both a biological and symptomatic pov. BUT.

amfortas' suffering is of the very public type. his wound-that-won't-close immobilises him physically. he needs foreign hands to help him and carry him pretty much anywhere, or else he ain't getting there. simultaneously, even despite his help, he's alone, because that's simply one of the intrinsic properties of continuous physical pain: it's overwhelming, it clouds your entire perception, and eats away at your ability to interact with and be part of the world. the other grail knights are well used to this. they dutifully help him, carry him to the bath, but ultimately, his suffering when he fulfils his duties as the king of the holy grail is business as usual. when you know you can't reach someone, or help them, at some point you get used to it, and you tune out their pain because it's so constant. (i think we all know this phenomenon from the constant stream of terrible news stories.)

worse for amfortas, everyone can gawk at him when he bleeds, and everyone does. it feels deeply, deeply humiliating and shameful for your most agonising pain and your physical vulnerability and weakness to be right out there for everyone to see, especially if it's perceived as being "your own fault". and because it's "his own fault", the others still hit him with the old "you must fulfil your duties"-argument. and the physical pain eats away at his psyche, leaving only this shame and anger and fear of his constant pain. amfortas is like a mouse in a glue trap. he would chew off his own limbs to physically get away from his terror of having to suffer.

...kundry, on the other hand, suffers almost entirely invisibly. physically, she's fine (if immortal, apparently). if amfortas is stuck in a glue trap, she's cursed to the opposite: she wanders between societies, eternally, and has no place where she rightly belongs, where she's accepted, where she is loved and is allowed to love honestly and sincerely. she's cursed to be this eternal symbol of seduction/sin, but she takes remarkably little interest in the actual act of seduction itself and expresses little joy at it. i truly believe she wants to love and be loved, or at least be seen and taken seriously in some genuine manner. as a real person. and whereas amfortas can't not express his situation to other people (he can't just close his wound and fckin stop bleeding, physically), she can't express her agony to other people: she's cursed to only laugh and never cry. she, too, is painfully limited in her ability to participate and interact with the world by the root of her suffering: her curse.

and because kundry is physically fine, she receives no pity and no attempts at understanding from anyone. whereas amfortas can’t physically sleep, kundry’s sleep isn’t restful and provides no respite. whereas amfortas is suffocated by his official position as king of the holy grail brotherhood, she has to fight for even half a seat at any table, always. she serves the knights' brotherhood and receives some thanks for it, knowing full well she'll never really belong because they're an all-male society. but her being the semi-affiliated outcast is the most true appreciation of her person that she'll ever get, so she'll take it. at the same time, other people, like klingsor, recognise her lack of belonging and try to impose their own perceived authority to subjugate her, instead of chasing her with the duties of an official position that must be fulfilled. klingsor believes himself to be her "master" (...rlly bro?), but as she constantly leaves to visit the grail knights, evidently he's not.