hereās another peachtober one i really liked, the prompt wasĀ āsleepyā
it was the Halloween one! I call my seriesĀ āMoon Daze: Moon Day Mondaysā
I know itās cheezy ok,,, LRRLLYY
also holey ghost, get it?? get it?!?!?!

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ā

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Not today Justin
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@beawilderment
hereās another peachtober one i really liked, the prompt wasĀ āsleepyā
it was the Halloween one! I call my seriesĀ āMoon Daze: Moon Day Mondaysā
I know itās cheezy ok,,, LRRLLYY
also holey ghost, get it?? get it?!?!?!

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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over at insta iāve been posting a moon-themed drawing every Monday
this was a mashup with peachtober promptĀ ācowboyā for that day
iāve been wondering if i should post art on Tumblr so this is a test post
should i moove on over here?
things to leave behind
when i die
will the box of my things be smaller than my coffin
will people who loved me be weighed down by not knowing what they meant to me
not knowing what to throw away
i wish i found it easier to be the one to do the throwing
of useless odds and ends that are ghosts of my past
i donāt want to leave a room-sized junkyard
of things kept stock
for a tomorrow that never came
or has come and passed by yet deemed too soon
to use the things that were made to be used
to open the packages meant to be opened
to live a life that was meant to be lived
life is not a race and youāre not behind
iām excited about the james webb images
and images of the telescope itself
i like calling my husband hubble, i wonder if heād call me webb...
i now pronounce us hubble and webb
maybe we can have a hamster named pebble
and iād ask to be called webble just to fit in.
i have his birthday gift downstairs.Ā
i was worried the guards would alert him when he left
but luckily there wasnāt free parking available tomorrow
so he had to go to the basement to get the car from the paid parking
sometimes bad stuff that happen end up being lucky
i tried an instant coffee with strawberry flavoring in it
but it was too sweet
so i added real coffee
and real strawberries
real milk, and fake sugar
sometimes i just want to try things a little bitĀ
to replicate them a lotta bit
i was thinking of buying a lavender soap
but it was too expensive and not on sale
there was only one on the shelf
i asked, is this a sign, should i take it
so i put it in my cart,Ā
and suddenly found a differentĀ
larger, cheaper
lavender soap
maybe it was a sign to take it so i can feel how much better it was to buy the better option
maybe it wasnāt a sign at all
and people just like lavender
and are intimidated by big bottles of soap
itās so hard to wake up in the morning
i keep giving myself bribes
like coffee, and fake urgency
i need a way to remind myself how the hard things feel better in the long term.
it feels good to clean
it feels good to create things
it feels good to move around
and be in oneās body
in this very short time
in this very small space
compared to the vast infinity of the universe
shown to us by hubble and webb.
juicyš
I need to write more. For my mental health. But itās been hard to reach that mental state of being able to really check in and be truthful and expressive about real life. The less things stick out, the harder they are to perceive, and the harder it is to find the words to describe them. But thatās exactly what I want to be able to capture.
I think Iāll be here every once in a while to just exercise being able to paint my life in words. I write in a journal but because it takes a lot more physical effort I often find myself shortening things and not allowing myself to be liberal with my words.
The challenge is in being able to zoom out for a big picture before zooming in to get the details. I very easily get lost in the details OR the big picture, separately. But magic resides in being able to weave both into one.Ā
Iām in a fork on a road that looks like a dead end from where Iām standing. Itās both an end and a beginning of paving my own weed-covered rough path. It might not even look like a path even when Iām done. I might just end up wandering in the wild, but Iād have lived that life, even if nobody else sees.
I honestly wouldnāt know how to say yet what Iām trying to do in few enough words, thereās so much but also when I try to start talking about it, it feels like itās not enough.
My hope is that the right words will just find me after Iāve created a life that deems them appropriate.
For now, Iāll use everything as a tool for the processes I cannot find the words for yet. This one is a tool for myĀ ājuicesā to flow. This is not for showing. This is for flowing.

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tumblr 2012 + 10
ten years after the end of the world
weāre still here being held up here
by stained popsicle stick scaffoldingsĀ
stuck togetherĀ by sickly sweet
teenage hopes and dreams
memories of strangers we felt we knew
dragged around like a coating of dirt
familiar logos we can draw by hand
on discarded plastic faded by the sun
we thought we were chasing something
stuck at the end of the string
but it was tied to itself and as we kept pulling
we just let it cut deeper in
till it hurt so much from a place we canāt find
and our arms got tired so we rested
left for a break that lasted for years
returning to a sand-washed shore
of buried trash and broken strings
Look at your heroes and wonder what draws you to them.
You may feel like their lives are what youāre meant to live
And itās true, they might pull you closer to where you aught to be
But you are not meant to stand in their footsteps - each one can only stand on their own
You will find your own rock or plot or mud on which you can proudly stand as yourself
And your heroes will inspire you to walk herewise and there
But you canāt stand as you in the place of someone else
This comes with the thing Iām writing, which is a tribute to Spiritfarer! <3
Update: Here it is, friends! Iām glad you liked my cover!Ā https://beawilderment.wordpress.com/2021/08/05/spiritfarer-a-comforting-game-about-dying/
Iāve crossed the line
To my thirties! Not new but
Iāve been dancing around finishing the current thing Iām writing, and Iām going to use this Tumbytumbtumb to take the edge off a bit.
Iāve left this place frozen in time in my mid-late 20ā²s when life was peachy and bright
Right now itās bright like an explosion more than a summer day
Like a lot of people, I ~went through things~ during the pandanini, not the star of the show itself, thankfully, but all of the turmoil and intense pressure that forces one to change on the inside when theyāre a bit stuck in place on the outside
Basically I
left my then-perfect job
got married
travelled to Japan
decided I wanted to pursue more creative things
and started realizing I probably donāt really want two things I thought were just gonna have to be a part of my future:
a job
motherhood
My view on what I must do in life just drastically changed. I always had the feeling that jobs were sort of just a dance everyone got used to doing in life, but never felt comfortable just sitting by because I thought the music would never stop... but then it did. Then many people actually stopped dancing, and I realized my experiences and feelings were valid or something
Anyway, I saved up a bit so now Iām just going to see how long I can survive doing odd jobs and drawing, writing, singing, painting, and just trying to live on Earth while itās possible.
Itās not forever, why suffer through it
happy thoughts
freedom
travelling to Japan
being okay with not being so good yet, but get better at painting every day
immersing myself in art, no matter what the outcome, but really getting into my feelings and dreams about it. letting myself beĀ āthat crazy personā..Ā
caring less about what *i* thinkĀ āothersā think about me.
making music, learning to produce videos, writing songs
writing stories, making them come to life
letting the uncertainty, like standing at the edge of a cliff, make me feel alive and hold on to the life i have even tighter

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āØLife Currently 08.18.19āØ
ā general life sitch ā
ā Still my same ever-changing dynamic job that I love. It is always new and challenging but steady enough because I work with the same set of children until they leave gradeschool. Iām always struggling to motivate myself to do the planning and monitoring side of it all but the actual teaching side is delightful
ā Still in the same apartment, but our current contract is only for another 2 years. Thinking about whether to stay or leave, but will most likely stay if possible and not too expensive.
ā So obviously weāre staying in the Philippines at least until 2025, which is a huge deal because thatās a lot of time. Iām hoping we get to do more on the side aside of our jobs, even if itās around our jobs, like Iāve been thinking of writing books of stories Iāve made for my class, etc, recording songs Iāve written for them, and Beardyās starting this D&D thing where Iām also helping a lot in the story formation, we also have co-worker friends with similar interests like comedy and boardgames and music, and I generally just feel like maybe I could try getting better at my job so that when it feels easier I could do more of those things.
ā currently ā
ā playing: Minecraft and Zuma when there is time. Recently Sims 4 and Simcity but not very recently
ā watching: Reruns galore, and latest season of Glow was pretty nice! Also, on youtube, Lindsay Ellis and Pitch Meetings, Ted Talks, a lot of random peopleās life stories
ā doing: grade computation and planning for the school year (or at least trying to! I am quite bad at focusing today)
ā eating: a lot of stuff from the frozen section of the grocery store, and tea
ā looking forward to: getting married this year! (Iām keeping my last name :D)
Cosmos (by DEW SP)
āØLife Currently 07.01.2018āØ
Working on:Ā
+ Lesson plans for school, self-studying methods
+ Planning and some pre-cleaning for The Big Purge (getting rid of a bunch of stuff in April and May)
+ Deleting bad old habits (excessive procrastination and the feelings associated, over-eating, screen time before bed)
Listening to:
+ Chaos Chaos (formerly Smoosh) - very danceable but also makes me want to make songs! I think I want a keyboard.
Watching:
+ ASMR videos to release anxiety
Trying to:
+ rise above my emotions in order to focus on the task at hand
+ forgive myself but still make and effort at being better
Feeling:
+ anxious but excited to be better
+ caffeinated. thatās why iām here
For 2018, my theme is to Break Free! aka:
F R E E E E E E E E E E E E D O O O O O M : Unshackle and Shed
I want to:
⦠replace eating as my anxiety coping mechanism (paint, knit, crochet, Minecraft lol)
⦠speak my mind in a kind but free manner
⦠free my belongings, free my room of unnecessary belongings, also as a way to psychologically break free from the weight of the past
⦠50% fluency in French, to unshackle a bit my geographical limits when it comes to work opportunities, in case we really do move to France :o
⦠Dance and stretch more, move more freely and lightly
⦠Get legal: Emmy and I are going to start planning our civil marriage soon. Now I know, the typical assumption towards marriage is that itās the opposite of unshackling and freedom, but in our case, it allows us to move freely around the world, to stay here and visit anywhere with less problems. A lot of the other goals I have this year are centered around getting my brain ready. I feel very much like a child a lot of the time, and it doesnāt help that I have so much junk from the past lying around, that I donāt need. And it doesnāt help when I feel physically, socially weak. When we do the thing, I want to feel ready and willing and not like we HAVE to do it because the system is forcing us to it.
⦠Have an organized, free-flowing, easy to use, not frivolous system of note-taking. I want to easily access my own thoughts, plans, etc. to build continuity within myself. I fail to make long term change when I solely rely on my upfront memory!Ā
Thatās it, really. (I say that, but thatās a lot already!)Ā
At the end of the year, I just want to feel like I can try things and make things freely, without the typical things that hold me back crossing my mind (Oh, I wouldnāt finish it, I donāt have the energy, Iād feel bad after, Iām too anxious to do that, I canāt leave my room, I need to sort stuff out etc) I just want to feel the flow of creativity freely be conducted in all of the ease of my being. I want to sleep well and feel like I can do things! Letās do this!! 2018!!!
The House of my Dreams
In my dreams, I still live in the house I lived in from age 6-18.
Typically, near the end of my dreaming cycle, I start realizing that I donāt live in that house anymore, and I try to put the pieces of my current house into the image, until it gets so confusing that I just wake up frightened.
Frightened about how easy it could be to forget. Knowing that the house we have right now isnāt as strongly etched in my mind as the house it used to be.
Same address, different house
Neither version of the house is flawless. But I remember very clearly how I thought that that old house was perfectly designed. I adored every intersection. The way everything fit together like a puzzle. My dad made me a little polly-pocket style replica of it made of cardboard. The floods washed it away. And Iām left scrambling, trying to replicate it in my sleep every now and then.
I could try and imagine a way to make a house as perfect, but I know I never could. It was perfect not because it was flawless, but because I was aged 6-18. I couldnāt see how it could be better. All I knew was it was mine.
I was in love with that house in a way only a child could be.
boring anxiety+life post look away
Itās stormy outside and itās putting me into a very writey mood, so here I am. Not sure if Iāve said this already but this is going to be where I just write for the sake of writing. My blogspot is about to go on a more consciously directed, um, direction... if i ever get myself to commit to it
Thereās got to be a time real soon, anytime now, when going back to work would feel less scary every first day of the week.
I clearly remember myself feeling like I was confident going back to work every week, sometime last school year. Thatās gonna happen this year too right? Ā I just gotta get a good routine going.
Today was pretty good, didnāt play too much Sims 3, watched a great movie (Captain Fantastic), watched two new episodes of our favorite shows, some R-rated personal stuff, cleaned a bit, got shit done, cooked food, even exercised before a nice hot shower. Maybe thatās partly why itās hard to go back to work-mode.
There was nothing to prepare for last year, and yet I felt really anxious at the start anyway. Now thereās always something to prepare every day. I guess itās reasonable then that Iām anxious. Iām hoping that Iām growing at an exponential rate and will now be able to deal with my shit earlier.Ā
Just gotta stay healthy, stay interested, stay busy.
The trick I found is to not overthink, which is easier of course to do when you donāt HAVE to think to do your job. But now that I do need to think, itās a subtler exercise to avoid overdoing so.
Wubbalubbadubduuub

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Iām back in the apartment! Went home and took all of my things. Gonna settle right in and clean and tidy more. Gonna prepare for work! Gonna do a Good Job. (Itās been exactly 2 months since we went back into the Philippines so thatās how long Iāve been living back at my momās house)
This morning I gave Emmy his birthday surprise! I was going to paint the totoro on the wrapper but instead I just upcycled the tote bag it went in. This way he can use it! Itās so serendipitous because I originally wanted to sew him a totoro purse, but knew he doesnāt really have a use for it because he uses the same wallet all the time. But he does use tote bags! #totelife ..TOTOLIFE!
Also I sewed a leaf notebook in which I tried to get people to sign! He was so impressed and I feel very accomplished. Haha.
For now though, just this :)
I think this was in Concarneau.