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Well, I owe Eren an apology, because I thought the first semi-final would be chaotic thanks to him.
It was not. This semi was instead.
It started with Sasha’s choice, Bangaranga, and Bangaranga has had the glow up of the century.
In the Bulgarian National Final, Bangaranga really looked like some clubgoers doing a TikTok dance challenge they captioned “So random hahah!!! 😆People were looking at us like we were crazy 🤪🤡🤪 but we had so much fun 😇🪽”
And then the actual Eurovision performance for it is literally mad.
Like, there’s hallucinations and group therapy and all sorts of actual mental illness references in the staging.
Sasha already loved this song, but this upgrade drew in Ymir and Historia too, and Annie hasn’t been this excited about a creepy girl song since Doomsday Blues. Together with Connie, they’ve vowed to learn the new choreography together so they can all do it on Saturday night.
A couple of songs later we got another glow up in the form of Romania’s Choke Me. Full disclosure: this song would have bypassed me entirely if it hadn’t been for the title, which made me go, “haha, my darling little freak Floch would go for that without even listening to it.” Indeed, he’s not even here tonight to see if it’ll qualify, which means speculation is running RAMPANT among those that are here about what will happen if Floch fucking Forster suddenly wins out of nowhere.
Then there was yet ANOTHER glowup from Armenia, whose singer Simón put on the best BBNO$ tribute act one possibly could. Armin was even heard to say he might ask to switch his choice from the UK to Armenia, since neither were gonna win but this one was just so much fun.
Switzerland’s Alice is everything Historia (and Ymir) wanted it to be and more, and the pair of them lace fingers and sway to it gently the whole time, safe in the knowledge that this will obviously qualify.
Zeke’s lucky that Austria are the hosts, however, since Tanzschein is the only glow down of the night. Austria’s budget apparently ran out fifty seconds into the song, because the rest of it is Cosmo’s 50p DIY staging from the national finals but somehow worse.
Annie’s wish for Denmark to give Søren Torpegaard Lund a better tear away shirt came true, and Deltra Goodrem at Eurovision is everything Mikasa could have wished for. It’s not even ruined by Pieck sloping in late and asking if this is Israel, because…no, she has a point actually. Eclipse is the song and the staging and the singer that Israel *think* they send every year.
Pieck had sloped in to watch her pick, which is Ukraine’s Leléka with Ridnym. She sits there utterly baffled for three minutes, because this looks and sounds nothing like the song she actually wanted to choose. Best boy Falco immediately solves the mystery and asks if she actually wanted to pick Croatia’s Lelek, who have a super similar name and sang Andromeda in the first semi. She did.
This caused much merriment in the frankly already-too-giddy gang, and it was decided that Pieck could be allowed to correct her choice as long as Armin got to change from the UK to Armenia.
Armin, however, immediately changed his mind AGAIN, because LOOK MUM NO COMPUTER have pulled yet another massive glow up. Armin was transported, and declared he was right all along. He knows this song won’t win. He even accepts wor Sam might get the rare double-nil points. But he maintains that this would be a winner if it was sent by anyone but the UK. (The fact that it’s the most British song possible is neither here nor there).
After that, there’s not much left but the results, and once again there were some spooky Top Ten placement shenanigans. This time, all the girls got announced in each other’s spots - Sasha’s pick was announced first, Mikasa’s pick was fourth, and Annie’s pick was ninth.
Historia …did not qualify.
Our Sapphic queens were in shock, as were much of the viewing audience, because Alice was incredible. Maybe it’s because Choke Me also had rope staging? Or because it looked a bit too visceral? Or because Eurovision fans sometimes get weird about gay acts being too real about their gayness?
Pieck generously offered to let Historia pick Ukraine instead, but Historia politely declined and then started Googling how much legal authority she has as queen to declare war on Europe.
The first semi final had the potential to get messy, because it was Eren up against everyone he reeeeeally didn’t want to lose to: Jean, Reiner, Connie, Marco, Bertholdt, Ymir, Porco, Captain Levi, and Commander Erwin. Semi-final two has everyone he could tolerate a loss against - Armin, Zeke and the rest of the girls. (You know all-or-nothing Eren lumps Hange in with the girls.) But tonight? When he hasn’t picked his sure fire qualifier? Anything could happen.
Eren picked 🇲🇩MOLDOVA🇲🇩 who performed first, which did nothing for Eren’s nerves. He was sure the whole show that people would forget about them by the end, especially after Akylas put in such a great performance for 🇬🇷GREECE🇬🇷 with Ferto. (That was Connie’s pick.
Moldova did qualify, and appropriately enough were announced fifth out of ten.
In fact, by spooky coincidence, Eren was not the only cadet from the 104th to have their pick announced in their place from the top ten. Reiner’s 🇫🇮FINLAND🇫🇮 were announced second, Jean’s 🇮🇱ISRAEL🇮🇱 were announced sixth, and Ymir (who could have qualified 10th) saw her pick of 🇵🇱POLAND🇵🇱 announced last.
Marco’s 🇵🇹PORTUGAL🇵🇹 didn’t qualify, and Bertholdt’s 🇮🇹ITALY🇮🇹 were automatically through. It was only Connie who was out of place, since Ferto was announced as the first qualifier. If you want to know if Connie celebrated this fact by rewriting the chorus to Ferto to chant “YO SOY MIKA-KASA” all evening…yeah. Of course he did.
Out of the losers from tonight, Marco and Porco both sulked off to their rooms. Marco felt like his loss was especially hard, since he thought Portugal would get announced seventh and continue the placement streak. Porco was raging about how a band could come third one year and not even qualify the next, until Falco gently explained each country sends a different artist each year.
Marco cheered himself up by putting on his “Portugal ESC” playlist and immediately falling asleep to the gentle sounds of boredom. Porco cheered himself up by learning about Tommy Cash, and laughing his ass off at his videography.
Commander Erwin took his loss in good grace. He got to see Boy George and Senhit put in one of the most entertainingly bad ESC performances in years on behalf of 🇸🇲SAN MARINO🇸🇲 and that was worth the price of entry for him.
What was the thought process behind choosing Isr*el for Jean? And I mean seriously? Why are we being tone deaf? And yes I read the explanation for why that’s “Jean’s favorite song” but it still doesn’t make sense
The explanation is what it is. Jean’s favourite song in 2024 was Slimane’s Mon Amour, last year was Claude’s C’est La Vie, and this year it’s Noam Bettan’s Michelle.
Also, Jean thinks it’s hilarious that Eren failed to pick the Israeli entry out of a crowd, and that he got to snatch it from under his nose.
Outside of my silly little imaginary universe, let me say this: I am heartbroken by the genocide in Gaza, and I am disgusted by the way KAN have subverted Eurovision to use it as a tool of soft power. However, I am not going to treat the word ‘Israel’ as a slur. I despise treating any mention of Israel or Palestine as this slippery slope, where any vaguely neutral or positive statement about any part of one country must mean I seek the entire destruction of the other.
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Unlike flaky Erwin, Onyonkapon is actually boycotting this year. It’s because he fuckin’ LOVED Claude last year and is pretty sure Claude got so few televote points because of racism. However, he is quite charmed by Bella by Aiden, representing Malta. Man’s a sucker for a torch song that could be on the soundtrack to something by Fellini or Truffaut. He’s sharing that mid-century Mediterranean fantasy with Bertholdt.
…excuse me. I just invented a new crack pairing and now I want to go and cry over the thought of Bertholdt and Onyonkapon drinking espressos together across the sunny terraces of Europe and looking sharp as hell.
Pieck Finger
Pieck hasn’t played AOE before, but she fuckin’ loved Latvia last year, and still whacks Bur man laimi on for the visuals when she’s high. She loved Zherm (Albania) and Voyage (Switzerland) too. This Ukrainian entry that has plagiarised cherry picked the best parts of the staging from both, so it’s Pieck’s pick.
Porco Galliard
Porco hasn’t played AOE either, and had no intention of joining in. He listens to real music, like End of Beginning by Djo. Have you heard that one? That’s surprising, it’s pretty obscure. It’s by the haircut from Stranger Things.
Falco’s been such a good boy, but he has his limits. He looks up at Porco like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth and says, “Oh, like this?” and plays a jangly upbeat number that is the manic pixie of End of Beginning’s dreams, and Porco’s jaw drops.
The words “Too Epic to Be True by Vanilla Ninja” should sound like nails on a blackboard, but he can’t help it. It’s moody boy kryptonite.
Falco helpfully supplies the fact that this song is representing Estonia, and Estonia came third last year. Porco finally responds, nodding too casually and muttering something about it only being smart to play the odds, before he walks away to stare at his wall for three hours while this plays on repeat.
…and that’s a wrap! If there’s any characters or songs missing, it’s because I couldn’t think of a funny or interesting fit for them. See you for the semis.
None of the officers from the Survey Corps came to the listening party, so Reiner sent Falco round to Erwin’s office with the paperwork to check if they wanted to take part or not.
Erwin Smith
Erwin was going to boycott this year in solidarity with Spain, Slovakia, Iceland, Ireland and the Netherlands. Then he realised BOY GEORGE is part of San Marino’s act this year, and may be appearing either live or as a cartoon. After he finished slapping his knee and chortling, he gave Falco the nod to write that down.
Levi Ackerman
He doesn’t play. Never plays. Stop asking him.
Zeke Jaeger
The most Zeke song Eurovision could ever come up with was Europapa, but Tanzschein has got to be a close second. The deadpan lofi funk fits Zeke to a T even before you realise that the lyrics reference primates and the staging is people in animal costumes.
Obviously, Zeke isn’t exactly welcome in Erwin’s office, nor is he even an officer of the Survey Corps. He simply “””””happened””””” to be walking by as Falco was there to collect their picks, and breezily handed in his own.
Levi … Ackerman?
Levi: “I want the Lithuanian one.”
Sólo Quiero Más by Lion Ceccah?
Levi: “No. The one by the vampire.”
After some gentle but baffled questioning, Falco successfully determined that Levi is now participating for some reason, and has chosen the Serbian entry Lavina by Kraj Mene.
Hange Zoe
Hange cannot believe their luck that no one else has picked France’s entry this year. They think Monroe is cool as hell, and operatics songs have won the last two years in a row, so obviously this is going to be up there. Falco tries to explain the gambler’s fallacy to them, but Hange defers to gambler-in-chief Erwin Smith who booms, “A Fine Choice!” and that’s that.
Falco’s notes: fuck Timothee Chalamet and his hate for opera. I’m so glad Michael B Jordan won the Oscar.
I split the 104th in two because I wasn’t sure if Tumblr could cope with all the video links or not, and it might be easier to read like this too.
Sasha and Connie
You’d expect these two to be casuals, and they are compared to the Big Five. However, they locked in more after they got serious FOMO over the crowd excitement for Cha Cha Cha back in 2022. Nowadays, they quickly identify all the fun novelty songs and learn all the words and the moves. They don’t really follow anything else about the contest, like how last year they didn’t realise that Gojo’s Milkshake Man hadn’t made it out of the semi finals until after the show ended.
Sometimes they argue about who gets which song, and it looked like they were gonna have to scrap over Ferto, BUT THEN! Sasha clocked the derpy choreography and weird tempo changes for Bangaranga and fell in love. She’s got a white minidress and fur gloves on standby and she could not be more excited.
Connie, meanwhile, is pulling a long con. He’s been tootling round in a cat hat and sunglasses for the last month. He knows the Big Five have their stupid no-prior-knowledge rule, and that none of them should realise he’s been rubbing his knowledge in their faces since mid-February until the big night. (Jean ought to know, but Connie has been on a reggaeton kick for six months and Jean mistook it for a Bad Bunny-inspired fit).
Ymir and Historia
At last, we come to some people who actually paid attention to the rules, even if it’s because they don’t really give a shit about Eurovision and it’s just a bit of fun to have with their friends. Our queens have been blessed with a surfeit of feminist and Sapphic anthems to choose from this year. While Sasha and Connie were performing their little dog and pony show, Ymir and Historia were lacing their fingers together and giggling as they tried to read each other’s minds and figure out which song the other had picked.
When it comes down to it, Ymir chooses Pray by Alicja, representing Poland, while Historia goes for Alice by Veronica Fusaro, representing Switzerland.
Pray is a trap gospel number, and might as well be Ymir’s anthem. It’s about a woman’s journey to self discovery, all steeped in religious imagery.
Meanwhile, Alice is an indie waltz that hits a little harder than you might expect from Historia, but she’s picturing herself singing it to Ymir as they slow dance round an apartment together. The girls stare down Reiner when he unhelpfully mentions that it’s about domestic abuse, and he backs off with his hands up.
Floch Forster
Floch technically made his choice first, even before the Big Five. He didn’t even hear his song. He just read down the list of song names as the listening party got underway, circled “Choke Me”, handed his sheet back in to Reiner and left.
After the Big Five, the other cadets all get their chance to play too. This is always a bit more chaotic because not everyone comes to the listening party and not everyone bothers to listen to everything. Also, there’s no set order. Whoever really wants a song just has to put their hand up and hope they get first choice.
Bertholdt Hoover
Bertholdt surprisingly steps up first from the cadets. This itself is a first. Reiner usually ends up suggesting something that he thinks Bertl will like, and Bertl usually does like it. Not today.
No.
Bertholdt Hoover wants to pick Per Sempre Sí by Sal da Vinci, representing Italy.
As a bit of side knowledge, this song has been a divisive choice in Italy because a lot of Italians find it exceptionally cringe. It’s sort of like if the US sent some “I’m gonna drink my beer and drive my truck”-ass country-pop song, or if the UK sent Galway Girl by Ed Sheeran, or if Ireland sent Galway Girl by Ed Sheeran. The quality and broader appeal of the song would be overshadowed at home by the sheer embarrassment.
Bertholdt knows none of this, though. As soon as he overheard this song while Reiner was watching the Sanremo Music Festival, he was transported. When he hears this song, in his minds’ eye, he’s suddenly striding across a dance floor in a suit with lapels as wide as its flared trousers. Everything is warm earth tones and Mediterranean sunshine, and he holds out his hand confidently to Annie who’s in some kind of flamenco get up. She’s nervous, but she takes it, and then he tangoes her around the room to the delight of the crowd. None of the details of Bertl’s fantasy are actually Italian, but by god, he is overcoming that through the sheer passion of his vision.
Everyone is quite taken aback when Bertholdt slaps the table and loudly requests this song, but they all shrug and Reiner writes it down dutifully.
Marco Bodt
Marco swoops in next with his demand for Rosa by Bandidos do Cante, representing Portugal. Eren and Reiner both cop a lot of flak for picking the same country every year, but no one has picked up on the fact that Marco also always votes for Portugal.
With all my love to the UK’s longest standing ally Portugal, this is because Portugal always send filler.
Ok, that’s a little mean. The Portuguese entries are just very formulaic. The arrangements are simple, the staging is traditional, the vocals are always strong but not challenging or arresting in anyway. If they were furniture, they would be a set of these Windsor chairs:
And Marco loves it. He also has very simple, traditional tastes, and he is proud to cast his vote for Portugal every year.
But no one has noticed, because everyone immediately forgot what Rosa sounded like.
Side note: the playlist of Portuguese Eurovision entries may be lacking in pizzazz, but it is an absolute top tier study playlist.
Second side note: Marco and Portugal’s entry are both so bland to me that I forgot I had done an entry about them until I came to edit and post it. 🤷🏻♀️
Annie Leonhart
After the unexpectedly vigorous antics of Bertholdt and Marco, Annie is up next to calm things down a little.
Remember how I said Reiner is the biggest ESC fan of the crew? Most of them would probably say the second biggest is Armin. Some might say it’s Jean. It’s not. Reiner’s only rival is Annie.
Annie hordes Eurovision facts like a dragon. ESC is Reiner’s hobby, but it’s Annie’s *special interest.* When Annie wants people to leave, she’ll stare at them with dead eyes and start reciting dark stories from Eurovision’s past. Annie does care about looking cool though, so she will never admit to anyone that it’s a Eurovision story. She’ll just start in like: “Did you know that the Bosnian band Fazla had to escape sniper fire by running up a mountain with no shoes on so they could play at a music festival? People died.” Only Armin really knows about her special interest and only because it’s also his special interest.
Anyway, Annie is just as eager to get her pick in as Marco and Bertholdt, but she’s a million per cent more low key about it.
“Hey. Can I have that Danish song set in the goth aquarium? Oh, Før Vi Går Hjem. Is that what it’s called? Søren Torpegaard Lund. Wow, that’s a mouthful. Whatever. I hope he gets a better quick change costume for the show. The white tshirt sucks.”
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There’s some rules about the order in which the Big Five pick their songs. It goes Mikasa - Armin - Eren - Jean - Reiner. Mikasa goes first because she’s a model player, and always strictly abides by the rules. Armin goes second because he usually predicts the winner, and he sulks if he doesn’t get a chance to show off and do that. Jean lets Eren think he’s won something by going before him, even though it rarely matters because Eren always picks the same country. Reiner goes last because no one advocates for Reiner, including Reiner.
Mikasa Ackerman
Before they start picking, Mikasa stands up to confess that she has broken the no-prior-knowledge rule. This sends a ripple of excitement round the room, because Mikasa always comes in blind to the listening session. When the committee discussed the no-prior-knowledge rule, they used Mikasa as the example - “we should just do it like Mikasa does and, y’know, pick the song we like best without knowing anything else.” Why, in the year where they introduced the no-prior-knowledge rule, has the role model broken the goddamn no-prior-knowledge rule?!
It’s because Mikasa’s a Delta Goodrem girlie.
She got an alert on her phone about a new Delta song, and has been bumping it while she’s been weeding her garden for the last fortnight. She didn’t even know Eclipse was going to be Australia’s entry until she got handed the song list tonight.
The rest of the committee hold an emergency meeting in the corner, and quickly announce that by unanimous vote, Mikasa can still keep her choice without punishment.
***
Armin’s minutes of the emergency meeting:
Armin: Delta Goodrem isn’t there to *win* for Australia, she’s there to *qualify* for Australia so they don’t get DQed AGAIN. Mikasa isn’t trying to game the system here.
Reiner: …I just think was an honest mistake, and she owned up to it. I don’t see a reason to punish her.
Jean: Mikasa always picks the biggest pile of syrupy crap anyway. She’d have picked this one even if she hadn’t heard it before.
Eren: I do not care.
Armin Arlert
Armin is good at this game. Armin has correctly predicted the last three winners. Armin has some sort of formula based on the originality and appeal of music, or perhaps he is just oddly in tune with what the juries like. Armin is confident that his calculation will still be accurate enough even without knowing which country each entry belongs to, because that honestly rarely matters.
And Armin is now horrified, because his personal algorithm has suggested Ein, Zwei, Drei by LOOK MUM NO COMPUTER.
That’s the British entry.
British entries don’t do well. The rest of Europe always hates Britain’s Eurovision entries, even the good ones. We are the exception to the rule that country of origin doesn’t matter. We got zero televote points in both of the last two editions of Eurovision. ZERO.
The no-prior-knowledge rule has really fucked Armin over, because he would normally exclude the British entry from his calculations completely.
And now he’s stuck with it.
(It is a fucking banger, though.)
Eren Jaeger
Eren is the reason for the no-prior-knowledge rule, because Eren always picks Israel.
Why does Eren always pick Israel?
Look, it’s Eren. I’ve seen the group chats on the matter, and I simply do not wish to go into it.
Eren doesn’t like this new no-prior-knowledge rule (surprise, surprise) but has begrudgingly agreed to abide by it and actually listen to the songs. He’s got a plan though. He’s entirely confident he can pick out the Israeli entry from the vibes.
…
Again, look, it’s Eren. We’ve all seen Attack on Titan. We all know Eren’s overconfidence is wildly misplaced, and we all know how dogshit his plans are. It should not come as a surprise to learn that Eren failed to discern the Israeli entry.
It may come as a surprise to learn that Eren picked the Moldovan entry by Satoshi, which is called Viva Moldova.
…yeah.
Jean Kirstein
Like Mikasa, Jean always picks the song he likes best. Also like Mikasa, Jean did not abide by the no-prior-knowledge rule. Unlike Mikasa, he did so deliberately.
It’s not because he wants to cheat. It’s just…he’s a thinker. He likes to think about things before he makes a decision, and he likes to make fully informed choices. He doesn’t like being put on the spot like this, where his favourite song might end up being one he didn’t immediately fall in love with. So, he’s listened to the playlist a few times already. He’s already noticed that he likes the Finnish entry a lot more now than he did the first time, and the Swedish entry a lot less.
And his choice is his favourite song. Really. Really really really truly. You can check it against his past choices - there is nothing Jean loves more than some powerful, clean, beautiful male vocals, especially if they’re in French.
It’s just that the most powerful, most clean, most beautiful and most French male vocals this time round belong to Noam Bettan.
Noam Bettan is representing Israel with Michelle.
Reiner Braun
Reiner rounds out the Big Five. He’s probably the biggest Eurovision fan out of the group, and the most traditional. He watches all the national finals, he listens to the artist’s back catalogues and future releases, and he keeps his finger on the pulse of the backstage drama too. Last year, he had a great time watching the Beauty Blender Instagram Live hangouts while he was at the gym.
The committee take advantage of this by making Reiner do the paperwork for the listening session, and by giving him the last choice out of all of them. One of them has to print out the sheets for people to make notes on, and set up the playlists, and so on, so why not Reiner? (Reiner actually delegates a lot of the admin to Falco.)
His tastes are pretty traditional as well. Up tempo bangers with great visuals only. He’s the Ukraine of the group - rarely wins, always does well, cannot fault his sheer effort.
That might change this year, because Reiner’s gone for the Finnish entry, Liekinheiten by Linda Lampenius x Pete Parkonnen. This song is the actual favourite to win, which Armin is fuming about it after spending the last four minutes frantically googling everything while Eren and Jean fought over Israel. (Uh, the Eurovision entry, not the politics.) Jean’s snarking a bit about Reiner’s apparent love for Finland since Reiner has now picked Finland two years in a row (he went weak at the knees for Erika Vikman) but Reiner has zero shits to give and is locked in. Any of the others could have picked it, and they didn’t.
Reiner’s also fucking STOKED to learn that Linda Lampenius is going to play her violin live on the night.
The characters from Attack on Titan are into Eurovision.
That’s the premise here.
Every year, a committee of them host a Eurovision party for the gang, and also run a competition to see who can pick the winner.
The committee have dubbed themselves The Big Five (because that’s a Eurovision reference) and they are Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Jean and Reiner.
They are the ones who like Eurovision the most, and who care the most about making it a big deal, so everyone lets them get on with it.
The rules:
Once all the competing songs have been released, the Big Five host a listening party for everyone to choose their favourite.
There is a set order to who gets to pick: first, the Big Five; next, the 104th; third, the officers of the Survey Corps; and finally, anyone else who wishes to play.
Each person can only pick one song.
Each song can only be picked once.
This year, the committee have decreed that all players should come in to the listening party without having heard any of the songs already.
Additionally, the players will not be told which country any particular song belongs to. These last two rules are to address drama from earlier years that we don’t need to go into.
***
This is a dumb idea that has been percolating in my head for two years and now I need to inflict it on you. Sorry not sorry.
Oh look, I remembered tumblr existed. Also, stick around, I have Attack on Eurovision notes ready to post too!
5 - Is your selfship lore canon-compliant, canon-divergent, or a full fledged AU?
Real world AU baybeeeeeee! Unless we’re treating the School Castes post credit scene as canon, in which case canon-compliant since Floch ain’t in it and I can make up anything I like about him there.
9 - What's a piece of canon lore about your f/o do you happily ignore?
The Floch that rides around out here in my head in the modern real world is not a fascist. I have successfully bullied that out of him. He is still, sadly, a Tory. I can’t work miracles.
He’s not nineteen either. As far as I’m concerned, in self-ship-space, everyone’s in their mid twenties, me included.
Also, the fucking WIT hair. It’s just a messy cowlick he didn’t know how to style, not an extra crown up there. I’m a big fan of how MAPPA just randomly dropped a flashback frame of Floch’s old hair in to show them how it was done. (Not a big fan of how they ROBBED us of prison Floch though.)
16 - FREE Rein - Infodump about your f/o's lore, your selfship lore, or literally anything related!!
WIT fucked up Floch’s intro, and more people need to know that.
Floch was supposed to float in as the picture of innocent ignorance, not as an annoying asshole. He was meant to stumble in as an illustrative example when Jean was trying to explain to Marlo that there is a difference between the vets and the new recruits, even the ones of the same age. He was supposed to be a cute little no-nothing baby who came in and giggled and then realised the other 104th cadets had aged eight years in eight weeks, and then he went, “…fair point,” and fucked off until Shiganshina.
He only revealed the depths of his assholery when he brought Erwin back, and admitted it’s because he wanted Erwin to suffer.
You asked this so long ago and I have not been tumbling or social media’ing much for Reasons, but I have had these answers pinging round my notes for aaaaages, so…
2 - Was there a specific canon moment that made you fall for your f/o?
Floch started living in my head because I was awed by what a perfect portrait of a young fascist he was, and how rare that is in mass media. Isayama wrote Floch into a world that traumatised, disenfranchised, and disillusioned him, but also wrote him as someone who has his own deep moral flaws outside of that. It’s usually one or the other - your typical fictional fash is either a poor innocent baby who had neither choice nor chance, or an innately evil creature. It’s rarely the normal-seeming lad next door who works in a call centre and plays five-a-side football with his mates on Tuesday and then goes home and doom scrolls right wing memes on X.
Anyway, I was fascinated by all this about Floch, and then I watched the restaurant scene when I was ovulating and Matt Shipman said “Shhhh…” and I was a goner.
8 - What part of your f/o's story felt like it was missing something that your s/i was able to fill?
Because my selfship is out here in the real world, I don’t know how much of it applies to the original story. I’ve given him parents and a sister, and I think his mother (Fiona) definitely exists in my headcanon of AOT now too.
It’s probably more interesting if I tell you about him and my semi-self-insert-but-increasingly-OC Josie, though. I sent her in near the end to distract the Jaegerists by seducing Floch and then bombing his office so the Alliance could steal the flying boat. The end result was broadly the same, unfortunately, but this is how the second of Josie’s four children came to be.
I added this in because a) Josie is a tramp and b) I get the vibe that Floch was probably quickly forgotten back on Paradis. That made me sad, so I let him a little part of him live on in the Josie-verse.
9 - What's a piece of canon lore about your f/o do you happily ignore?
I’m not sure if this is something I ignore or just something I interpret differently, but I don’t think Floch or Eren ever actually liked each other.
I think Eren was mad at Floch because of what he said at the medal ceremony, particularly about Eren himself:
“[Armin]’s alive because [Eren] thinks his friends are more important than the rest of us…Eren, I bet even at your core, you’re always completely certain that you’re in the right. That’s why you wouldn’t give up. You’re like a little kid who won’t listen to reason.”
Every word of that is true, and Eren hated hearing it. I firmly believe that the anger he felt here is why he anointed Floch as the architect of Jaegerism, as the ultimate ‘fuck you.’ He didn’t want to give such a dirty job to one of his friends, so he gave it to someone he despised. Then, same as he did with Reiner, Eren just forgot to be mad at Floch after a while.
In turn, I don’t think Floch ever grew to like Eren as a person. He just grew to fear Eren’s strength and power, and to be grateful to have some of it reflect onto him. It’s there in the contrast between how Floch talks about Eren and how he talks to Eren. He’s so bombastic any time he talks about Eren or Jaegerism, but then Eren turns up and the conversation is just so dry. “Big crowd.” “Yup. More back home.” “Oh. Cool.” Then later, it’s something like, “Hey, Eren. We’re all finished up out here.” “Cool. Catch ya later.” “Yeah, see ya.” It’s so boring! And whatever else anyone might think of them, neither Floch nor Eren are boring people.
Look ma, I finally answered a question from, like, February! Thank you for your patience. I have been offline and sad for a long time but I am trying.
12 - What's an important event in your f/o's canon to help others understand them better?
Was this an invitation to bang on about my relay team theory?!
So, I have this theory that Marco, Marlo and Floch are three members of a relay team about idealism in AOT.
I think each of them shows the audience what could have happened to a dead character if they had lived.
It’s super tragic that sweet, idealistic Marco died, but what would have happened if he’d lived? Well, he’d have probably still joined the Maps, and then had a rude awakening about how corrupt they were, just like Marlo did.
And then it’s so sad that Marlo had the moral courage to reject that corruption and fight for the greater good and then died anyway, but what if he had lived? Would he have been disillusioned with the ideas of glory? Would he have become as disgusted with Erwin as he had been with the MPs? Would he have doubled down on his determination to sweep away the old order and remake it in his image? Would he have become Floch?
They aren’t all the same character, not at all. Floch was never as brave or as sweet as either of his predecessors. But if Marlo hadn’t died, he could have easily filled the Floch role. He already hated the corrupt higher-ups before he joined the Scouts, and I reckon surviving Shiganshina would have done a lot to open his eyes and harden his heart to the necessity of doing some dark shit to get things done.
So: what does this teach us about Floch? It means it would have been sad if he’d died at Shiganshina instead, because back then he was just a hopelessly naive kid who thought dying bravely in battle would mean something cinematic, not getting half your head stoved in by a rock and then falling off your horse to be trampled to paste by other horses. It would have been sad if he’d died in Trost, because he’d have just been some cadet who’d been friends with the others. And as much as Marco and Marlo are beloved, maybe that’s because only the good die young.
16 - FREE REIGN - Infodump about your f/o's lore, your selfship lore, or literally anything related!!
He has a wild level of recall. Like, together we make an unstoppable trivia team, but if you asked me how I knew what day and time the Titanic sunk, I would look back at you blankly and shrug. Floch would then leap in to say, “It was when we went to the Titanic Museum in Belfast, remember? We got assigned to be random passengers and crew. You were that crew member who broke his leg and was the first one to die, haha! And I was Ruth Becker, and I survived. Anyway, the date and time is plastered all over that museum. You would have to be stupid to forget it.”
To which I’ll reply, “Yeah, I know all about Jonathan Shepherd, god rest his soul, but I did not learn that at the Titanic museum in Belfast, because I’ve never been to the Titanic museum in Belfast, you dipshit. You went with your ex!”
And then he’ll glide right past that to ask, “So…where and when and why did you learn all that useless trivia about Titanic?” …and I simply will not know.
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