I can't process what the fuck just happened. Listen up, I needed a job really badly since I had to ask hobos for money so that I can buy some bread crumbs and I could glue it together at home and I had 2 loafs of bread but fuck, it ain't about it. I found a job, at a local Ikea. Everything was great, the qualification went smooth.
Overall the job was great, no effort, you just look if anyone didn't steal anything, and even if you don't need to give a fuck since everything is made out of cardboard and it's value isn't higher than 15 PLN. You can even take metal flower pots, fold and throw them since they're fucking paper. Everything was fine until one day.
I always closed the shop after 23:00 and went home. It was friday, I remember. As always I did my last chores and went home. But I didn’t know 1 thing, which is that I accidentally closed the shop with 2 people inside.
I was scared shitless. Manager calling, “what the fuck did you do, alarm in the restaurant is on and some people are walking around and eating frozen meatballs with cranberry sauce and christmas ham for 12,99″.
I went over there in my Lanos at 3 am and listen. I walk in, turn on my flashlight, I go to the restaurant, on the way there I tripped on a plush cauliflower and I hit my head on a drawer “Steven”. I go to the restaurant and I hear whispers, so I scream “Hello, this is security, get the fuck out please”. Suddenly I got hit in my head with something, I think it was a Pancake Roll “Jonan” but I’m not sure.
I woke up at 6 am, exactly when I was supposed to start my shift. I opened up the shop and went to the security office as if nothing happened. I almost died out of laughter.
2 naked people are running around the storage and collect boxes and kitchen tables. In all this weirdness, it intrigued me. I watched CCTV all day. Listen, it turns out they took these parts and were storing them in a place where no one comes- Gardening. Wearing yellow plastic bags with shop’s logo they walked around and were building weird structures. And then that’s when I made a decision.
This time I closed 3 people inside, plus 2 that were already in there. I was shocked when I came back in the morning to see a small cardboard pen made from a “Josë” fence. Inside were plush carrots and hedgehogs. I’m not sure, but I think there was some grass on the floor, which is weird since you can only get it from Grass Section.
Suddenly a person jumped out of shadows and started screaming something, I think it was nordic, maybe even swedish, but I only heard the shop’s product names. It was the guy which I closed up yesterday, with a spear made out of hair and pencils.I started to run as fast as I could and I slipped on some shit, probably human. Suddenly 3 people were chasing me, wearing yellow bags and they almost destroyed the security office door once I got in. I don’t know when they went away either. I watched them on cameras for rest of the day. Oh my fucking God, what was happening there.
They started to construct primitive houses from school desk “Skargër” and a “Olle” cabinet. They were spilling some seeds in the carrot and hedgehog pens. They were collecting something, I believe they were pencils and tape measure, and made primitive tools out of them. That was amazing. They started doing something. I was shocked.
I started to close more and more people in the store. I started form single families, 2+1 most of the time. Later came elders and children. In the span of 3 months I created a fucking civilization. . There were houses from cardboard and desks, plush animal pens. They were feeding on meatballs and cranberry juice. It was amazing. I was only watching from far away.
When they discovered first blue bags (more expensive) a higher class has been created. Rich citizens were wearing blue bags which granted them respect and access to christmas cham and puree.
After another 2 months in the magazine a colosseum has risen. Yes, a fucking colosseum. Made from cardboard and “Faloe” tables. I was only watching. I saw fights on pencils and pancake rolls “Toenyń”. Death verdicts were regular, corpses landed in trashcans “Kany” and left the shop on forklifts to be thrown into a river next to the shop.
After months first transport was created. Chariots made from forklifts pulled by, right, yellowbaggers. I forgot to mention that bluebaggers have turned Yellowbaggers into slaves. They no longer had access to high jobs and were forced to sharpen pencils and farming “Fykón” Ficuses. I was only watching.
New cities were being founded. The most beautiful one was Skyën, in Children’s District. The first wooden railway was created there, connected with an innovative technology of magnetic balls. It was beautiful. Great Scientists were working in Office District, creating genius and practical inventions, giving them equally great names. I remember a “Dildó” juicer, which thanks to regular vibrating moves penetrated the fruit and spilled all the juice out.
I liked to watch the trading path (near evacuation exit) as caravans of traders came on their industrial carts, selling their fine goods: Paintings from the Art district (which were, in reality, photos), “Dćik” tables and others. The invention of firepower was a revolution, because up to this point the military used “Cyńt” slingshots with colorful stones from decoration district. I looked down at them with love. I marked their mistakes and punished for their wrongdoings.My favourite form of punishment was turning all the lights off. What the fuck happened then...
Upon calling the bluebagger council, priests from all over the shop were arriving. Kitchen, Bathroom, Living room, Children etc. They were falling on their knees and were praying or some shit, I turned on the lights after 5 minutes. They started celebrating , happy and shit, and then boom- lights off again. Oh fuck. They took these priests and started beating them with bakery mixers, cut off their heads and hanged them on “Despącitió” lamps. I stopped playing with light from this point on.
I was really frustrated when I noticed how bluebaggers were abusing yellowbaggers. I don’t know why but they really seemed to like “Fuć Yóu iń tę Ąsś”. What is it? Let me explain. One yellowbagger puts his foot in the other’s asshole and sings songs that hail the blue overlords, while the penetrated one moans to the rhythm. Awful, but intriguing.
New cities were rising, technological advancements had no end. I closed more people inside. I even had a genius idea once. I put a speaker behind a “ Peëniś” plant and lit it on fire. When one of the yellowbaggers passed by I started speaking thru the device “ I am your Lord “ etc. Motherfucker wrote 10 commandments on a “Skargër” shelf and escaped with other 40 yellowbaggers from the Kitchen District.
Everything went to shit when I got an incredibly idiotic idea. I was so fascinated with my creation that I decided to indulge myself in full. I began the preparations. I kept track of their behavior, culture and traditions. The worst part was learning this moronic language. I really don’t get how can you name everything as something else, and with a pseudo name at that. The fucking rotating office chair should be names rotating office chair not Gönter Skålle. It’s like, I dunno, calling a shower Marcus Crow, fucked up. But back to the point. It took me 4 months and finally I said that I’m ready. I undressed in my room and put on a bag. Well, this was my first mistake. I didn’t have a blue one, only the yellow one. I thought that nothing bad’s gonna happen, one last look at the cameras and I was on my way. The sun was rising (I begun turning the lights on in the storage rooms), I slipped out of the security office and went to the city with confidence.
My God, it was amazing. Beautiful tenant houses with details sculpted in wood and cardboard. Frescs showing famous bluebaggers painted with paint Färben. Inns, markets, shops, barracks...just everything, really. The distant horizon was obstructed by incredible walls (made out of cardboard) of the castle UlĂ«vall. I started feeling cold, because the AC was on and I only had a plastic bag on me with a hole on my right buttock, which will be important later. Yes, the hole on my ass is a hero. I went into an inn to get warmer. Inside was an electric fireplace Kämy, I went to the bar and asked for a famous and world renowned pseudocider intermediate metabolite of the urea cycle called pear juice. The woman behind the bar poured my drink into a cardboard glass. It immediately got soggy and it all poured out, which really pissed me off, not gonna lie. I don’t know why but I was really pissed at that moment so I stood up, grabbed that soggy cardboard, grabbed the yellower next to me and shoved the cup into his mouth. Silence. Yes...I forgot. I did something only a bluebagger can do, even though I knew their laws. I punished a yellower while wearing the bag of shame myself (that’s how the blues called them). Four armed men barged into the inn. Well, almost armed, because besides their bags they had plastic lunchboxes in the shape of an dachshund which complimented their armour. And the thing they beat me with was squeaking baseball bats. Not even the pain, it was that sound pip...pip...pip... I couldn’t stand it. I started running away, I run outside and into the road leading to the wardrobe section. Fate had me slip on a plush cauliflower again...Â
They had me. I woke up in something that looked like...a nicely furnished kitchen. Turns out it was the king’s visitors room. Right, king. I realized that when I was observing them. They picked a fucker as their king. I got mad. I was their god, I created them. And that’s when he entered. All in cardboard. He had a necklace out of pasta and had 4 meatballs in cranberry sauce on it, they’re fucking incredible. He had a robe of buffalo leather from decorations department, that’s when I realized that they sell this shit in this shitstore. On his fingers were puppets for kids. Each one was different. He had a fox, a bear and a doggy. His crown was made out of a candelebra for scented candles. I tougth I was about to burst out laughing, but I had to keep myself calm, if I john-paul-second-ed something they would burn me at the cardboard stake or something. He walked in and said:
I made up a name in the meantime, and I reply:
The king froze. He whispered something to his goon and suddenly there were 20 people in this 9m/2 kitchen, so I thought that I was gonna shit myself cuz they all stood hugging each other. It stank like shit cuz a couple of yellow brokies were also there, but I endured cuz I was raised by the streets. The king, with a heavy breath, said:
-Are you the Skågger that performed the Ånuslöp.
I was shocked so I instinctively replied
And that was my second mistake.
3 dudes came up, threw me in a cart and started driving me somewhere. After an hour we were at our destination. I recognized that place. It was the famous Amså theater right next to the restaurant. I was behind the curtain, 2 bluebaggers came to me and started welcoming me and congratulating me on my bravery. They said that the last person who attempted Ånuslöp ended poorly so they respect me even more. I was shocked so I asked what is this “Ånuslöp“. They explained...after which I wanted to shoot myself with a fucking pencil. So this so called activity. Is that in front of the king and 500 people who are sitting in the cardboard theater. I’m to shit myself into the bag I’m wearing. Then stand on my hands in such a way that it doesn’t fall out. That was the moment I knew I had to get the fuck out of there. But I had no way out, there were guards everywhere. So I said YOLO. They said if I succeeded I would get a handsome reward from the treasury. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but here the currency was deepfried cheddar cheese and gorgonzola. That was also the moment where I started doubting my work and I felt both sad and ashamed, but back to the story. Turns out if I fail, I get executed the next day.
I stood at the middle of the stage. I saw nothing except small lights somewhere in the middle. I think those were the vanilla scented candles surrounding the king. They were using them as torches and light sources. I felt nauseous. I always felt like that when I was stressed. Of course I was stressed, my life was dangling on a thread at this moment. I know I had to do this. I clenched. Full focus. I never could shit on demand, but right now this hidden skill unearthed itself. I shat myself. It was wet. Fuck... I forgot I ate 8 hotdogs before. It cost me 8 PLN and I was full so I counted it as a win. I felt a disgusting warmth on my cheeks and cold on my other cheeks. Okay, halfway done, I thought. I wanted to vomit real bad but I only had to stand on my hands and I can fuck off. I will keep the cheese, but only Cheddar cuz Gorgonzola is shit.
Remember that hole I mentioned? Exactly, in the span of a second everything from the bag fell out onto the cardboard stage, with loud wet slaps. Silence...It was silent...First thing that came to mind was “Fucking run”, and so I did. I turned around on 1 foot and ran. Fate had it my left foot slipped on shit (at least it was mine, it stung a bit less) and I lost balance. I ran 3 meters and...right, I fucking slipped on that shitass cunt of a cauliflower again and hit my head on a Sophä shelf. Who was leaving them all around, I don’t have a clue, but from that point onward I swore that I would find him and destroy him.
 I was captured. My mind is filled with perfect hatred to plush cauliflowers. In a wooden cell, which was , in fact, a wardrobe, I met a peculiar man. He told me his name is Sven. Just like me, he was to be hung the next day. Out of the blue he started zerkin it, but I told him to stop cuz I had enough for today. I started telling him everything. The whole truth about the creation of this civilization. He didn’t believe me at first, but then he started telling his story. Sven was a yellowbagger. He worked on a Ficus and Orchid farm. All in all he wasn’t doing any work because they’re all watered by the store’s computer system, but I didn’t tell him that because I feel like he would go fucking apeshit upon hearing that. One day his master accused him of stealing a swedish nougat cake with crispy sprinkles. He swore it wasn’t him who stole this delice. His master however punished him with a wooden hammer for punching in plastic shapes (that kid’s toy, you know which one) and summoned the guards which threw him to this cell. He told me how the yellowbaggers are oppressed by bluebaggers. What they’re forced to do. The Colosseum, entertaining the king, and the worst thing I learned. Turns out Ånuslöp happens every two days, and the king and citizens are lying to get as many victims as possible. I couldn’t let that happen. I knew what we had to do. Me and Sven started conspiring against the bluebaggers and the King. It was time. Just as planned, we sent letters and tommorow in the ghetto in the bedroom district an insurrection was going to happen. I knew my story would be written on the pages of the Ikea Civilization with blood and sweat. We went to sleep, but neither of us could sleep from excitement. He started to jack off again. I threw a spoon at him and he stopped. I put a plush Töt pillow under my head. “Yes, tommorow the world will be different” I tought. Before I fell asleep, the last thing I was was a green plush cauliflower if Sven’s hand. That couldn’t be good.
It was somewhere around 7 AM. I couldn’t tell, because no one shut the lights off which caused them to believe there was no night yet. I heart that they said something about god’s wrath or some shit. Oh, I was full of wrath. Two guards stormed into the cell and shouted that it’s time. Me and Sven got up, took a leak in the corners of the wardrobe and off we went, locked in cardboard handcuffs. So far everything was according to the plan and no one suspected anything. We entered the Blue Square where the execution was to take place. The Executioner stood next to the machine, I don’t know if you recognize those hydraulic pistons with a wooden seating at the end. They usually use it to “sit” with the wooden part on a piece of furniture to show how durable these paper masterpieces are. These geniuses are using it as an execution method, shoving the convict’s head between the wood and the furniture and it keeps shoving until your head fucking bursts. Not gonna lie, I felt proud a lil bit. The second machine was meant for Sven, it worked the same way except it opened a drawer hundreds of times. His head was to be placed in the drawer and they were to smash it, you get the idea. We were ordered to stand on a cardboard podium until they read our crimes. I weight somewhere around 90Kg so after 3 seconds the podium gave in and both me and Sven were standing with a cardboard wall up to our waists. The executioner read our crimes, which were as ridiculous as this whole situation. Theft of 5 plush ponies and one elephant from the Royal Stable, eating 2 meatballs without cranberry sauce, spilling 2 litters of lilac flavored juice etc. Everything was made up, but this is exactly how yellowbaggers were judged. False accusations, with punishment being death. Absolutely no way of defending yourself, the only good thing was the last meal; a hot dog and an ice cream (the price was within 3PLN so it was worth it).
The first shots rang out. We looked at each other, I saw his smile and small brown eyes, cardboard even. We knew what to do. We lifted the remnants of the podium and using it as a shield we ran through the crowd. Pencils were flying overhead. Some of them pierced our cardboard armour and hit me in the chest and stomach. I peaked for a second...There was chaos on the Square, the bluebaggers were running into their homes. The Yellow Insurrectionists were attacking on sight. They were catching citizens and beating them unconscious with toy baseball bats. It was only after half an hour when the Royal Army entered the streets. Me and Sven ran from the Square. According to the plan we had to get to the rails connecting the Kitchen District with the Living Room District, catch a train and upon arriving at our destination, destroy the rails, depriving the King of munition deliveries. When we got to the rails, the train was already approaching, At the front, a black locomotive on squeaking wooden wheels, then a green, blue and red wagon connected with magnets. We jumped into the green one. An hour later, we arrived. We heard that Yellowbaggers took back the Blue Square and were marching towards the Green District. There, they were to regroup and await further orders. We got there. We jumped down from the wooden wagon and immediately went for the rails. I grabbed one end, Sven the other, and we lifted a piece of the wooden railroad, making a massive gap. The rails connected like puzzles so there wasn’t much of a problem. From there we went to the bay. In the plastic ball pit a ship was already waiting for us. Two mighty yellowbaggers stood before it. “ Passports!” they yelled. We were prepared. We both took out our Ikea Family cards, which give us access to a discounted dinner set and to an insurrectionist battleship. We swam two meters and jumped off. That was the whole pit. We got info that the yellow forces were storming the Bedroom District, leaving blue corpses behind and heading our way.
Then I realized something was wrong. We were getting close to the checkout line. Last stop. The world border of the Ikea Civilization. I realized that the shop was opened an hour ago. Behind the registers, standing in lines for hot dogs of shame, casseroles of dishonor and lame ice cream, were normal people. They couldn’t find out about my work. Me and Sven reached the cash registers. Then I froze. Some people turned around and were looking at us. In yellow bags, with armbands with an “i” symbol, with a meatball at the base. It stood for Ikea Meatballing and became the symbol for the Insurrection. Sven had no idea what was going on, I shouted at him to give me the plans. He gave me a small white booklet with “Resistänce shelf mounting manual” written on it. I couldn’t understand a word so I threw it into the trash, like any good polish tinkerer. I knew it was about to be a bloodbath. Sven asked me, almost crying “Is this where the world we know ends?”. I asked him how he knew that. He told me that when he was little, he came here and looked from under the wardrobe, full of wonder, thinking about what was behind the rotating portal (the doors). Then he said “Since I can remember I’ve been watching you closely. I once found a room where a man was sitting. He had no bag, just some weird apparel. He sat there all day long, looking at the world from above through his little screens. Father told me about the great creator, who rules the night and day, looks at us from above, listens to our prayers and lets us exist. He told me one day he will descend from the ceiling and free yellowbaggers from the horrible oppression from the hands of disgusting yellowbaggers. It was YOU. When I found you, I knew I had to make you leave your kingdom and help us. That’s why for months I placed plush cauliflowers around the whole country. I knew, according to the legend of the Founding Father, that you love them and I was sure they would summon you. Now we are both at the edge of the world, lead me...”. I was fucking shocked. I don’t know which was worse, the fact that they think I like these fucking cauliflowers or the fact that this had to end. I grabbed a shoehorn in the shape of a snake, Sven started screaming that the prophecies were being fulfilled and the One who rules the Snakes shall free them. It made me laugh like a Cardboard Network cartoon but it was no time for that, in a second a horde of yellow degenerates will gather here. Time for plan B...total annihilation. I told Sven that this is the end, people cannot know about their existence (up until this point they hid so well, and the clients were too focused on these stupid sales to notice that there was a whole civilization right next to them). I told him to plug his ears. I ran to my room. On the cameras I saw hundreds of yellowbaggers marching towards us. I grabbed the mic, turned the megaphones in the shop on full. I put my lips on the mic and whispered “Listen to the one that talks, thou shall now die like a meatball with sauce” and broke the shoehorn in half with a loud snap. It has begun, the beginning of the end. The loudspeakers roared, upon hearing these words the hordes of the Ikea Civilization froze and marched towards the restaurant. There, they committed mass suicide by cutting their necks with knives and jumping into the Christmas ham ovens afterwards. One after one after one after one. You’re probably wondering how this is possible. When I begun my work, I knew this moment could come, when I will have to bring total extinction to it. Every night I played this sound on the speakers and using subliminal messaging and the art of hypnosis I managed to imprint this impulse upon them all. It was triggered by these very words followed by a crack from a shoehorn. I wept as I saw the collapse of my masterpiece. I turned around and headed towards the exit, I left my 2 weeks notice the very same day. I knew only Sven would live.
No one found out about the Ikea Civilization. Sometimes I regret how I never showed them to the world, we could’ve learned so much from them. For 3 months after the Ikeapoccalypse Sven cleaned up what was left from the civilization. Mass graves of yellowbaggers, in the form of bags in bins, stood behind the entrance. The burial mounds of bluebaggers were left by the cash registers, on the last wasteland of the civilization, sold separately, Sven was still holding a grudge even after the downfall of the elite. The contents of the Kings Treasury, that being cheddar and gorgonzola, he put back in the restaurant, where they lie to this day. And then he vanished. To this day when I go to Ikea everytime I grab a yellow bag a tear rolls down my cheek. With a heavy heart I remember the amazing history of this place. When I leave, I always buy a blue bag too, and take it home. After all, the bluebaggers were also my children.
A week ago I started working as a security guard at Obi. Here is much calmer. However when I did my last routine patrol before closing in the bathroom section something was on the ground. I wasn’t sure what that was so I look for my flashlight. A cone of light moved across the terracotta shelves and finally laid upon the floor. Yes...it was a plush cauliflower. Attached to his foot was a note. I picked him up and read “You took away my home and made me bury the dead with bare hands. You are no God, you are a Tyrant. Know that I am here, watching, awaiting your next move. I shall have my revenge, signed Sven”. From this moment I knew, that the doors to Obi will, by accident, be closed a bit early today, and that Ikea was just the beginning
