Do you know what always fucks me up? Thinking about what it would have been like if Sirius and Remus had raised Harry. Like you have these two 21 year olds who have been through so fucking much, and they probably feel much too old and much too young at the same time and they’ve just lost everything but each other and they’re barely holding it together and suddenly… there’s this tiny pink cheeked baby babbling away, completely vulnerable and oblivious, occasionally calling out for his mum and dad, and Jesus Christ they don’t know how to look after a baby. They’ve never lived as an adult in a world that isn’t consumed by war and Remus has probably forced himself to never even consider having his own kid because of his condition and Sirius was way too busy fighting and rebelling and just being Sirius Black™ to even think about settling down with a kid, but if there’s one thing they know, its that they’re not letting anyone else to raise Harry because he’s got Lily’s eyes and when he laughs they’re convinced he’s already got James’s shit-eating grin even though he’s like, one, and he’s the only good, pure thing to come out of this terrible fucking situation so they decide they’re going to raise him, to hell with everything else. And the first little while is… really fucking hard. They’re both still recovering, Remus keeps going off on these fits of self hatred and guilt and convincing himself that Harry is better off without a werewolf as a guardian and Sirius keeps locking himself in his room for hours on end staring at the ceiling and holding his fragment of two-way mirror so hard it cuts his hand, but neither of them are doing it alone. When one of them is going through a rough patch the other one is there, feeding Harry and talking to him and making him giggle and changing his nappies and rocking him to sleep at 4 in the morning, and they’re there for each other, too. Neither of them are ever fully recover, but it gets easier. They get better at it, too. At first they’re completely clueless. They’ve babysat a few times and hung out with Harry when they were visiting James and Lily, but actually raising a kid is like… a whole different ball game. The first time Harry wont stop crying for hours on end Remus just sort of stands there holding him at arms length staring at him in horror like what do I do, but eventually he learns that Harry likes it when you rock him from side to side and hum under your breath. Sirius has never changed a nappy in his life before and the first time he tries he makes a huge mess of it and cant stop gagging at the smell and has to take three showers to feel clean again, but eventually he can do a pro job in about a minute, whistling cheerfully the entire time. Eventually they find themselves laughing more often, genuinely smiling because they’re happy and not just because they need to look happy for Harry. Also, they figure out Harry is just about the most brilliant kid in the world, and not just because he’s James and Lily’s. Sirius woops and punches the air the first time Harry takes a step and Remus can’t help but be reminded of him cheering James on from the Quidditch stands. The first time Harry brings home a painting from school Remus is enthralled by it and sticks it up on the fridge and it stays there forever. When he gets older they’re worried about how to discipline him because Sirius’s first instinct on Harry getting detention would probably be a high five and Remus has never been particularly good at reprimanding people, but as it turns out, they barely even need to bc he’s just about the best person in the world (tho maybe they’re a little biased.) Most of the time when he gets in trouble its like, thoroughly understandable, and even whenever it isn’t they kinda let is slide anyway, the boy is a genetic hybrid of James and Lily raised by Sirius and Remus what can you really expect. But the point is they never planned to be parents and they had their doubts, they mess stuff up and honestly half the time they still don’t know what they’re doing, but they try so fucking hard, and they love Harry so much, and there isn’t a single day that Harry feels uncared for or unloved because if Harry couldn’t have his parents then thats the kind of upbringing he deserved.
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