Mary Renault, The Charioteer.
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@bb-8
Mary Renault, The Charioteer.

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ralph lanyon.
Mary Renault, The Charioteer.
hello! i finished the charioteer a while ago and have loved reading your thoughts on everything (especially regarding andrew and laurie's love for ralph) and wanted to know how you interpret the sentence "Remorse, even the greatest, has the nature of a debt; if we could only clear the books, we feel that we should be free. But a deep compassion has the nature of love, which keeps no balance sheet; we are no longer our own."
i've been confused about it for a while and i'm curious about what you think!
Great question! The way I read this line now is that Laurie had been so preoccupied with trying to adhere to an ideal of what love should be (according to his interpretation of The Phaedrus), that he’d failed to have compassion for his lover (Ralph), when he inevitably failed to live up to those platonic ideals.
Another layer to this is that remorse has the nature of a debt because it centers one’s own need for absolution. (“He had come to take his punishment and, his penance begun, to leave as he had come, alone.”)
But Laurie’s remorse is not what Ralph needs right now.
Compassion has the nature of love because it centers the other person’s needs. Laurie realized through reading Ralph’s letter that Ralph needs the only person who believed in him after he lost everything at age 19 to reassure him that he still believes in him after he lost everything again at age 26. Even though this was no longer true (since this time Laurie did not believe Ralph until he heard the truth from Alec), Laurie chooses to lie about it to restore Ralph’s pride and self-image (by implying that he had decided to trust Ralph and had called to beg for forgiveness before hearing the truth from others).
Editing to add that this decision to choose compassion over truth is foreshadowed twice in the novel: The first time is when Laurie is moved by compassion to lie to Charlot on his deathbed instead of letting him die with the truth (of not having a priest). The second time is when he lies in his letter to Madge to prevent Reg from ruining his life.
This is my interpretation as well! And I think it's enforced through the Andrew/Laurie parallel where Andrew couldn't believe Bunny about Laurie and what Alec says about what Ralph needs in a partner in chapter 6:
"No, I see now the only kind of person who'd offer him some hope of happiness would be someone up to his own strength, with the continual patience to go on concealing it. Or, of course, the modesty not to know it, which would be an innocence comparable in its way with his own."
We know Laurie is emotionally intelligent and perceptive (until he's...not), but I think by the end of the novel, Laurie really wakes up and sees the situation as objectively as possible. Albeit through necessity.
not all ships are For wanting them to be in a happy healthy relationship together. sometimes shipping two characters means you want them to be erotically obsessed with each other and become entwined in a mutually toxic love affair for a few months and then horrifically break each other's hearts and never speak again. sometimes you want them to be codependent best friends with enough repression to explode a submarine who only make out/have sex when they're at their worst. sometimes you want them to pine after each other for years, never say anything, and then die. sometimes you want them to kill each other. this, too, is shipping

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If we were villains (by M. L. Rio) 🎭 Fanart by me, painted with Procreate
how reading jeremy’s chapters feels
Can you rec me blogs, please and thank you? nothing specific, just neat blogs, I need to follow more people (人 •͈ᴗ•͈) your blog is awsome!
omg thank you and of course! all of my mutuals have amazing blogs 🩷
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TLS: E. F. Benson’s tortured sexuality
Author E. F. Benson (Fred to his intimates) has often been characterized as uninterested in, or even repelled by, physical intimacy. His biographer Brian Masters described him as “a prude” who “was wary of sex, distrusted it, feared it, and probably in the end avoided it”. The historian Steven Runciman, who met Benson in the late 1920s, declared: “I don’t think that passion, either physical or emotional, played a part in his life”, on the grounds that he considered himself “a personable youth whom a lecherous homosexual might have desired”, and that Benson “never touched him, except to shake hands”. Recent critics are more sanguine, often quoting Benson’s description of Capri “fellows” with their “attractive pagan gaiety”, and inferring a comfort with “casual same-sex activity” from the suggestion that “Pleasure sanctified all they did”. The implication is that Benson perhaps indulged himself in Capri, where he shared a villa with the homosexual classicist John Ellingham Brooks, but was too canny and respectable to combine sex with romantic love at home in English high society.
If he did, he certainly didn’t want us to know about it. Benson shaped the family archives on the principle that “‘when in doubt burn’ was the safer course”. Despite the vast, fascinating cache of his papers in the Bodleian Library, there is a lot we’ll never find. And as Simon Goldhill notes in A Very Queer Family Indeed (2016), “He tells nothing … There is barely a word in any of his surviving papers on any aspect of his internal erotic life”.
Nevertheless, in folders acquired by the Bodleian from Mrs Alice Russell in 1991, there is poetry that tells us more about Benson’s internal erotic life than anything else yet discovered. There is little clue as to when he wrote them; they are scrappy, much-edited drafts on torn paper, originally found in an envelope marked “Literary fragments”. But with their kisses, shared beds and passionate silences, they evoke an intensely romantic, ardently desiring man with the capacity for profound emotional attachment to people with whom he was sexually involved.
"Last night at the dead hour before the day When birds announce the dawn and sleep again And to the sleepless heart and sleepless brain The lights are low and all sweet things decay I told the bitter beads of love and pain Each after each in fruitless rosary And every bead had bitter words to say You stirred beside me and your sundered arm While yet I feigned to sleep slipped round my breast And over mine your knee was softly bent Then mute you slipped from my side, but golden balm You spread about your going, for you pressed Your lips to mine in silence, as you went."
Masters quoted a couple of these lines in his biography (1991), in rather different form, but the whole almost-sonnet has never been published or explored in any detail. It is addressed to someone with whom the speaker is physically entangled and sharing a bed. That final kiss is both reified and undercut by the lover’s mute exit and the speaker’s inability to articulate either consciousness or passion.
The same is true of another poem in the same folder, which also substitutes silent, joyful sexual contact for verbal declarations:
"I saw your soul stir in its sexless sleep and wondered what red blossom would be born with what awakening you would hail the morn and when you would fare forth love’s tryst to keep Whether your wide sad eyes [would] wake to weep in dim & deep perplexity forlorn or laugh to see the golden sheaves of corn Stand ready for your harvest rich & deep Thus opened on the world your soul’s sweet eyes Bright as with morning dew on the eglantine But never had I once expected this That in your face danced rapturous surprise And sweetly shyly do your lips seek mine And meet there in the wonder of your kiss."
This has never been studied, and is much more scribbled-over than the other. Romance and physical intimacy again intertwine. The pastoral cast, and the emphasis on what Benson’s brother Arthur, discussing the “homo sexual question” with him, called the “concurrence of souls”, make it clear that the “wonder of your kiss” is both physical and emotional.
Both poems contradict the idea of Benson as repelled by physical contact or uninterested in combining sexual and emotional intimacy. But they also reflect the complexity with which love between men is represented elsewhere in his oeuvre. The “sexless sleep” of the second poem perhaps resonates with the sexlessness of boyhood posited to explain romantic friendships in Our Family Affairs (1920) and Mother (1925). It’s noticeable, though, that his representations of close relationships between men are between peers or coevals – boys at school in David Blaize (1916), young men at university in David of King’s (1924) or The Babe, B. A. (1897), adult men in Up and Down (1918) or some of the ghost stories.
David Blaize is particularly interesting here because it articulates the conflict between romantic love and sexuality that some critics have suggested Benson carried into his adult relationships. A schoolboy romance, written during the first years of his friendship with George Wolfe Plank and combining their names in that of its sexually fallen love interest, its plot hinges on Frank Maddox’s willingness to sacrifice desire so that he and David can share “boy-love, hot as fire and as clean as the trickle of ice-water on a glacier”. The published novel is oblique: Frank looks at a towel-clad David in a way that makes him uncomfortable, David flees, and a remorseful Frank gazes at himself in the mirror and concludes: “You beast. You ought to be shot”. But the first draft is more explicit, featuring a naked clinch in a corridor and pages of Frank’s conflicted interiority about “pleasure and longing”. In Benson’s usually telegraphic and quotidian Marlborough diary, several pages are ripped out due to “a dreadful period of temptation with its bearing on my friendship with Risley”. Benson once told a researcher that David Blaize had “a lot of autobiographical stuff boiled in”; one doesn’t have to go far to find it.
Benson’s last word on the subject comes in his memoir, Final Edition (1940), finished ten days before his death. There, criticizing explicit representations of sex in current fiction, he argues that “sexual desire is as natural a craving as hunger or thirst”, and writes: “the most unsatisfactory feature in these coitions was that the partners in them seemed to care for the act so much more than they cared for each other … I felt really sorry for these bloodless voluptuaries who got so little fun out of their amusements”.
Perhaps it is disingenuous, given his earlier denunciations, to suggest that the problem for Benson had never been sex itself, but sex between people who didn’t care for one another. But he was an establishment figure, and this was 1940, almost thirty years before the (partial) decriminalization of homosexuality and barely forty after the trials of Oscar Wilde. The insistence on care between lovers may have been Fred’s way of recognizing in print what he encoded in those unpublished poems: that not only did he feel love and sexual attraction, but in combination, they had been transcendent.
(Full article)

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I'm reading Tell England by Ernest Raymond and the fact that there are no Edgar/Rupert fics out there?? A travesty.
commission!
ralph and laurie from "the charioteer"
Who is more likely to be a conscientious objector in WWI?
David Blaize
Frank Maddox
WELL APPARENTLY I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN'T DECIDE
Frank by such a narrow margin! I love this.
I do think one of them would end up a conscientious objector, but which one! No one knows!
Who is more likely to be a conscientious objector in WWI?
David Blaize
Frank Maddox
WELL APPARENTLY I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN'T DECIDE
Who is more likely to be a conscientious objector in WWI?
David Blaize
Frank Maddox

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Something finally clicked in the last 30% of Look Down in Mercy and I ended up really liking it. I read the US edition and was surprised how much was missing from the UK edition from the love scenes.
(Definitely prefer the US ending, but I still can't make my mind up if it is wishful thinking or not! I need to read into Baxter's thoughts some more because there is no such thing as Death of the Author in this house.)
Oh thank you @bb-8 for posting about this, I was just wondering about whether you can got to it yet! I'm so glad you liked it. I'm not sure if enjoyed is the word but I was greatly impressed by it. And also amazed by the thought that the version I was reading (the US one too) was the 'more explicit' one! Well it was the 50s. I was expecting a 'happy ending' of some kind and wondered if it would feel artificial, but I really liked how he managed it, it just felt very psychologically truthful and in the spirit of the novel, particularly the bathos! I would love to hear more of your thoughts on Baxter and on the novel, did you post on it anywhere else? BTW, love the hilariously misleading cover!!
I wouldn't say I enjoyed the process of reading it, but from when Kent went to the hospital to the end, I was drawn in and it stuck with me all of yesterday. So it was definitely a unique and memorable experience! The UK edition doesn't include one instance of 'their lips met' so all referenced kisses were cut out. It makes it a bit funny because it'll say something like 'Kent knew what he was about to do was totally illegal. He put his arms around Anson and slept.' As if cuddling was more criminal than what they actually did.
I haven't posted a thorough review anywhere yet, but I'll give you a tag when I do! I did love how Kent's character was portrayed. It's hard to find a protagonist who is unlikeable, but you're rooting for him. The introduction in the Valancourt edition says it best: he's a character of contradictions and that's what makes him so intriguing.
(Between this cover and The Bitterweed Path cover, my new favourite art style might be gay books with sultry women on the cover!)
Something finally clicked in the last 30% of Look Down in Mercy and I ended up really liking it. I read the US edition and was surprised how much was missing from the UK edition from the love scenes.
(Definitely prefer the US ending, but I still can't make my mind up if it is wishful thinking or not! I need to read into Baxter's thoughts some more because there is no such thing as Death of the Author in this house.)