- ̗̀ honeybee

kai shook their head, swallowed the lump in their throat that had formed when they weren’t paying attention, shook their head again. “if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. but, i can’t – i can’t just walk away from this knowing that there’s some chance it could.” they let out a shaky breath, closing their eyes and picturing their conversation with their mother. they’d promised her they’d tell lancy everything and they had, but what if it wasn’t enough? they hadn’t accounted for that. “maybe it’ll ruin me and – and maybe you’ll break my heart into a million pieces, but – but i’m not going to live according to a maybe, lancy. and you shouldn’t either.”

this wasn’t a maybe, it was a guarantee. lancy couldn’t be someone’s girlfriend. the yawning depth of her was too much for zach, too much for carter, too much for anyone— there were countless names that she could list off backwards, all of them lost in the canyon that existed somewhere inside of her. lancy would take kai’s affection and twist it into something unrecognisable, until it was dry, but she wouldn’t tell them no. she’d warned them. it was more than the others had got. “ okay, ” she said, gently pulling her hand from their grasp, only to place it on their arm. edging closer still, lancy tilted her head up towards them, all heart-shaped lips and eyelashes that were too stubborn to flutter. “ are you going to kiss me now, kaibaby ? ” 

“so you’re telling me you’d ask your surgeon to tell you in great detail what their sex life is like before you let them operate on you? i mean i wouldn’t put it past you but i can honestly say my sex life has no effect on my work whatsoever. if you find someone worthy i’ll consider going out with them. don’t make me regret this.”

“ mhm, no way. i’d never let a virgin touch me. ” not necessarily true, but it was in this context. “ wait— you’re serious ? oh my god, okay. give me a week and i’ll set you up with someone perfect. ”

“Thanks, babe, I owe you one. How about a drink on the house while we talk through just what kind of target demo you think I’m targeting. Besides boys, I think I’d do well with an older audience, y’know, soccer mom kinda thing.”

lancy nodded, her ponytail bobbing in agreement. “ alright, ” drinks with ben usually required some loose moral judgement on her part, but she was in the mood for something fizzy and familiar. “ i don’t know about soccer moms, they’d never pay for it. credit cards leave behind a paper trail, it’s less risk to just fuck the garden or pool boy. middle aged careestist, though. that should be your target. find a women who’s spent thirty years building her career sad and alone, and boom, you’ve got instant bank. roll in it, baby. ”

“I’m actually growing to hate coffee because I’m around it all day! Too much of a good thing I guess. D’ya know of a good place to get a drink round here that doesn’t involve caffeine?”

“ uh— i’m sure the parlour would have a kiddie drinks menu for you. you could get like, a sparkling water and just imagine it’s a prosecco. ask for it in a flute or something. ”

“so,” astrid sighed loudly, dropping her bag down onto the sand, “this whole week, i’m talking to this lady about a session where i’m shooting her and ‘the love of her life’ blah blah blah. so in my head, it’s some cute shoot of a woman and her significant other, maybe they’re getting married or something, but she leaves it vague the whole time. this morning, i get there, and it’s her and her fuckin’ dog. i have to take pictures of a woman and her dog when i thought it was gonna be a woman and her husband or somethin’. and like, on one hand, I love my dog too, I get it, but on the other hand…who gets professional pictures taken with their dog?”

“ well, that’s pathetic. never let yourself become her in twenty years, okay ? ” even as a newly mother of two, lancy’s tolerance towards weird pet owners hadn’t shifted. the freak astrid encountered probably had an instagram account for their dog. some people were walking tragedies.  “ i bet she doesn’t have any friends or family to share those photos with. did she tip you in doggy treats or what ? ”

matilda: I need help! I'm on my break and this guy keep gawping at me

matilda: I can't even tell him to f*ck off :(

matilda: downside to being a friggin bar tender!

lancy: more like downside to being hot AF

lancy: isnt your boss meant to guard you from creeps like that??? or is it one of the regulars again??

“Weird question, but do I look scary to you? I know I don’t smile all the time, but that shit hurts my cheeks.”

“ you’ve got great cheekbones, but yeah, you totally look like someone who’d take a tire iron and bash in someone’s skull for cutting you off in traffic. why ? ”

“ i think taylor swift’s 22 needs a reprise because i don’t know about you but i’m feeling twenty-four and ready to be drunk enough i hit the floor. “  

“ it’s not as catchy, babe, but there’s some potential here. we can work on the hook at pres. we are celebrating, right ? like you’re actually going to have fun for once, aren’t you ? i didn’t buy you a birthday dress for it to stay on the hanger. ”

“This one has to be the most believable celeb theory so i’m shocked it never came up but anyway.” He swallowed thickly.” This one gave me chills, i’m not gonna lie. Apparently lady gaga murdered a rising pop star Lina Morgana and stole her identity, Lady gaga hated this bitch and all of a sudden she died in some freak accident, falling off a hotel balcony.” 

“ she what ? ” if the theory was true, it probably said something about lancy’s character that her level of respect for gaga shot up. “ straight up just pushed this lady off a balcony ? that’s ballsy. how did she get away with it ? uh, allegedly, of course. ”

“Well, I couldn’t find any figures, just that girls solo probably get paid more than a male/female couple. Figures. Guess I’ll have to turn to gay porn.”

“ guess so, ” lancy sighed, the loss heavy on her heart. she kissed benji’s cheek to offer her condolences. “ you’ll be great. the camera loves you. so do boys. you’ve totally found your market. ”

“There’s too many to name, but this celeb theory about lady gaga really got me.” He looked at her.” Do you know the one i’m talking about?” He asked. 

" you know, it’s never come up.” neither charlie or raf had ever told lancy about a lady gaga conspiracy theory, so clearly they weren’t serving the lgbt+ agenda to the best of their ability. “ you’ll have to clue me in, buttercup. what’s the theory ? ”

Aiden’s name did something to the other, it made him freeze for a minute then tense up, causing the cat to jump out his arms and land on his three feet below River. “Aiden and Tati, they both aren’t very fond of me and I highly doubt they want me over all the time just because of our child.” He kneeled down next to Lancy and began to pet the hairless cat. “Well how about we take them to my place for now and then you talk it over with your roommates.” He had no intention of going over to Lancy’s house and being in the others’ territory. “He doesn’t.” Was his reply to Aiden missing him. River’s voice was now cold. 

sometimes, a person’s name could be a scar. this was one river didn’t want to talk about. with the height disparity, it was unusual for lancy to see river’s face from this angle, to look at him so openly. there were lines that had appeared from the mention of aiden’s name, shallow groves in the dip of his brow, and rather than verbally draw attention to it, lancy simply smoothed her thumb over the spot, like ironing out a tired crease. “ yeah, well, tatiana’s harmless, ” she said, her tone carefully neutral, not wanting to press down on anymore of river’s old wounds. “ and i’m head tenement, so that makes me their boss. ” lancy wanted to say that she missed him, and brookyln, and home — and having him around. instead, “ pick her up, i want a picture of my honeys together. ”

“Yeah, we’ve found our calling. Shit, how much do those couple cams actually get paid? Y’know what… Give me a second, lemme Google that,” he muttered, bringing out his phone.

“ —— is it a lot ? it can’t be, can it ? oh my god, is it ? give me a ball park figure. ”

nadia rolled her eyes and groaned at lancy’s suggestion, refusing to admit she did have a point. “i told you it’s not that easy for me, i mean nobody does anything for me i hold myself to a very high standard you of all people should appreciate that. plus everyone wants to come before school and that’s not realistic to me.”

“ uh huh, i get that but, babe, you need to cum before school. how are you supposed to study when you’re so wired and weird all the time ? aspiring surgeons need sex. i would never let myself go into an operating room with someone who isn’t qualified to get it. ”

kai nodded their head, their hands – slightly shaking – coming out to reach for lancy’s. “listen, lancy, you don’t have to know yet. i just – i just needed you to know that, you know, for me, that’s how i’m feeling. that’s where i’m at. and –” they paused. “i think that you’re delancy emilia baudo. i think that you should be designing for fucking, like, paris fashion week and – and i think you’d be damn good at it. i think you adore your brother charlie and i think you miss him more than even you know and i think that you love peanut butter and – dammit, lancy, i think that you just might love me, too, and that scares the hell out of you.” they took a deep breath, taking in all that that’s been said between the two. not just in that moment but ever since the day they met.

their words sat like kindling in lancy’s chest and it felt like she was being smoked out. in kai’s hands, she could become a ship burnt down by it’s own captain. every flight or fight response she had in her went quiet, and that was something fear did. it could silence a person. she looked at their hands, thought about how some couldn’t hold the love they should, and how hers had never managed to nurture something without crushing it first. she thought about the lightning bugs. the colour yellow. this thing between them would die. lancy knew it before she’d even kissed them. she knew it, and yet she still stepped closer, still looked at kai as though the burning wouldn’t hurt. “ —— this will never work, ” she meant it. she didn’t step back. her hands didn’t shake like theirs did, and it was telling. everything was impossibly still and quiet, except for her. “ it’ll ruin you, babe. i’m going to hurt you. ”