“I love robbery AND fraud!”: A Star Wars Story
My expectations were so goddamn low going into this movie. The stories coming out of it’s production was a MESS, so I expected a mess. Like I really didn’t want to walk out of a Star Wars movie for the second time within months feeling let down and angry af. But I made peace with myself over the fact that that was what I would be getting, and that I’d see it anyway because I just can’t quit Star Wars. What I was not expecting was to actually have fun…
I admit it okay, I actually enjoyed myself. This movie was nowhere near perfect, or great. Trilogy worthy? Hell tf no!!!! I give it a 6.5/10. 6.5 because I was completely SNATCHED from people taking their damn hoods off and revealing their true selves so it gets an extra .5! I liked many things, other things I didn’t. Either way you’re going to hear my thoughts in a jumbled mess!
______HEAVY SPOILERS under the cut!____
Qi’ra and Han make out within the first two minutes of this movie which is just a taste of all the other times we’ll see them…I heard some spoilers about their hinted relationship but I REALLY WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THEM TO TONGUE LIKE 7 TIMES AT LEAST?! I REALLY DID NOT CARE ABOUT THEM LMFAO. But I already want to die because I know it’s going to spawn more Rey’s parentage debate and… I’m not strong enough for it anymore at this point. I’m done.
Han holding a rock…and making a click sound…pretending it was a fucking bomb. A procrastinator. Innovator.
Han reminded me of the lead character of a shonen anime!? “My dream? My dream is to be a pilot! The best pilot in the galaxy! I’m going to join the Imperial navy to be a pilot! And if I work hard enough, I will get enough money TO BUY A SHIP! AND WITH THAT SHIP?!?! I WILL FREE MY FRIEND! I WILL BE THE BEST PILOT! I–!”
Chewie’s introduction into Han’s life was Chewing whooping his ass in a pile of mud. Han suddenly knew how to speak Wookie, and then the rest is history.
That Aurra Sing name drop made me clutch my chest.
Enfys Nest is a pirate after the same shit Han and crew are after but honestly??? When she was whooping ass on that train I knew I would stan.
JESUS CHRIST THEY DID NOT DESERVE THANDIE NEWTON. I was so upset that Val did not have a big part in this movie, and was killed early on! She is such an amazing actress, and it was really sad to see her go after we just got her! And a self-sacrifice for her death was lazy as fuck!!! THERE WAS NO NEED. I’m actually thankful they never got their hands on Sana Starros at this point because that shit so disappointing for me.
Qi’ra being branded and owned by Dryden Vos??? She was literally his sex slave wtf??!?!? I’m glad he got clapped in the end, and that she was the one that was able to do it!
LAAAAAAANNDDDDOOOOOOOOOO OH MY GOOOOODDDDDDDD!
Best thing about this goddamn movie
HE WAS SMOOTH. SO FASHIONABLE. A SCAMMER. THAT’S MY MANS!
Not enough Lando. Not nearly enough.
The sabacc scene?!?! Han and Lando together was goddamn worth it! I really wish we saw MORE OF THEM.
BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WTF I THOUGHT THERE’D BE MORE TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP
GONK DROID GONK DROID GONK DROID!!!!!!
L3 was literally the droid version of Korg from Ragnarok, but I loved her anyway.
Seeing the Falcon brand new and shiny was so cool!!!
I just want to state right here and now that I am so thankful that we got a look into Lando’s walk-in closet and 30 capes?!
A SCENE WHICH LEADS TO QI’RA AND HAN MAKING OUT INTO A CLOTHES RACK ASJKJADSKA?! OKAY???
Beckett’s “don’t trust her. don’t trust anyone. NOT EVEN YOURSELF!!!!!” OH DAMN THAT’S A PLOT POINT WE’LL USE FOR LATER!!!
L3 launching the rebellion on Kessel gave me life. Again, it felt very Thor: Ragnarok but I still enjoyed it.
CHEWIE HELPING THE WOOKIES ALMOST MADE ME CRY I LOVE HIM.
Lando got shot and I really screamed. It’s like I forgot about Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi existing entirely because I deadass worried about my boy. MY FEELINGS WERE HURT THAT HE WAS HURT.
Qi’ra battle cried and…BLEW EVERYTHING UP LOL. SHE REALLY SNAPPED. SHE CAME OUT THE FALCON WITH TWO BOMBS IN HER HAND AND JUST! THREW THEM!
When it showed the giant ass star destroyer holding a blockade and sent out all those TIES? NUT!!!!
The Kessel run…I was expecting more I guess? I can’t put my finger on it but it wasn’t the great scene that it could have been?
WHEN THEY BARELY LANDED ON SAVAREEN AND THE FALCON LOOKED LIKE THE GIANT MESS WE ALL LOVE.
Han, with heart eyes and a giant smirk on his face: “I know”
LANDO JUST. UP AND LEFT WITH THE FALCON. HE REALLY LEFT THEM STRANDED AKDHKADHKJDA! He got his shit and LEFT!!!
ENFYS NEST IS HERE AND SURPRISE IT IS REVEALED THAT SHE IS A BIRACIAL TEENAGED GIRL. I HAVE NEVER STANNED SO FUCKING FAST IN MY LIFEEEEEE!!
I SERIOUSLY NEED TO SEE MORE OF HER I WAS HOOKED THE MOMENT SHE SPOKE. IF I DON’T GET A FULL NOVEL AND COMIC WITH HER BACKSTORY I’M GOING TO SCREAM.
She actually ticked off all of my Mara Jade boxes like if they ever put Mara in something, I imaged her to look JUST LIKE THAT it was wild!
Han: “What’s on Tatooine?”
Me, and opportunistic Luke stan ignoring Han’s backstory with Jabba completely: YOUR FUCKING BOY THAT’S WHAT!
Beckett REALLY TURNED OUT TO BE A LIAR AND A SCAMMER BUT AS HE SAID HE WARNED HAN. BUT HAN KNOWS!BETTER!NOW!!!!!
Qi’ra STABBING HER CAPTOR IN THE HEART. I LOVE THIS SONG.
HAN I-WON’T-HESITATE-BITCH SOLO REALLY SHOT BECKETT IN THE CHEST. LIKE IT WAS REALLY NECESSARY TO ESTABLISH THAT HE SHOT FIRST. I CACKLED OUT LOUD.
QI’RA SKYPPEEDDDDD OH MY GOOOODDDDD
HIS ASS IS REALLY STILL ALIVE
MY GOD MAUL IS STILL.FUCKING.ALIVE…..
THE MOMENT I HEARD HIS VOICE AND ACCENT THOUGH I WAS SHOOK SO I AM A FAKE BITCH I KNOW DEEP DOWN I WAS THRILLED TO SEE HIM.
Maul: Come to Dathomir now, Qi’ra. You and I are going to be working very close together
Me, *looking into the camera like I’m in the office*: Tumblr is going to fucking ship this now, aren’t they?
I’m glad that I at least didn’t have to sit through a Star Wars film without hearing a lightsaber ignite I would have been distraught!
HAN WINNING THE FALCON. HE DIDN’T HAVE TO DO LANDO LIKE THAT!
All in all this movie was not great by far, but it did tick off all my Star Wars boxes and I had fun.
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