old white men my beloved

I've never been more devastated that I'm going to miss an event in my life. What a fucking icon.

She expected maybe 5-10 people to show up. There were about 100.

I gave out scotch eggs to commemorate the occasion.

She gave a beautiful speech, was blindfolded, then kicked REAL good. Crumpled. Gave us a thumbs up.

Applause. Then the flute. Then a moment's silence.

Haven't posted in a while. A lot has happened since my last post so I'll just get into it.

Basically, as some of you may have surmised, my relationship with Kermit the Frog had turned pretty toxic. I believe the old character I once played, good ol' croaker, had revived itself within the Muppet as a form a divine punishment from God for what I had created, and franky, I deserve it. There's a lot of old posts out there of mine that make me shudder in horror. I cannot even look at a clown without thinking "The Joker," and then gnashing my teeth in regret. The colors green and purple throw me into despair.

Anywho, it all reached a head when Kermit tried to take my life at the Dangerous Chemicals Factory (where I work). He took my company-mandated non-slip shoes and tried to make me fall into a big vat of Joker Chemicals, after which point he would possess my corpse and take over my life. For those of you who don't know, this is the fate of all who create tumblr fake stories. They come to life, kill the person who created them, and take over their dead body. Why do you think we haven't heard from the Weed Smoking Girlfriends guy? Baka. He IS the Weed Smoking Girlfriends now. They puppeteer his corpse, probably with all three hands deep in the muppet hole of his mind (we all have one). I can only hope he managed to have bangin sex with them before they killed him, as I was able to have bangin sex with Kermit while he was inhabited by the Croaker Persona. God the sex was amazing. And Let's Just Say His Cock Was Huge

But I'm getting sidetracked. I signaled for Batman (my ex wife) just moments before his attack. I did not realize this at the time, but she had been tailing me, concerned for my safety, so she arrived the moment she saw the signal. She picked me up and threw me a safe distance away, entering a vicious brawl with Kermit. She ripped off Kermit's arm and bit off one of his eyes, but it was no use. He began to mupp her to death right before my eyes. I looked around frantically for anything I could use as a weapon, even just something I could throw at him.

And then, I felt something slip out of my ass.

I had put it there before, for safekeeping:

The

Jrap

On

(Joker Strap On).

Grabbing my weapon, I quickly jumped on a nearby skateboard (also produced by the Dangerous Chemicals Factory), and began to race towards my former lovers, taking the shorter but more dangerous route over a tank full of Deadly Sharks (another byproduct of the Dangerous Chemicals Factory).

My heart raced.

My skateboard raced even faster.

Somewhere, within my mind, I felt my inner Joker chuckling darkly.