Bat Brained

She was 17, which means we were together for half of my life. When I got her, I was in a really bad place. I had dropped out of high school, I had no job, I was on tons of medication for depression. When I got her, she as very sick. She was so small and so malnourished that the vet I took her to was adamant that she would not survive. He couldn’t even tell if she was male or female. All of her brothers and sisters ended up dying.

My mom was livid when I brought her home. She wanted no part of it, and asked me how I was going to take care of her. I immediately went out and got a job. Then I went back to school to get my high school diploma. Eventually, I went on to university, got off my medication, and I loved my cat and made sure that she got healthy, and grew. Her growth was stunted because of how sick she was as a kitten, so she never weighed more than 5 pounds, and looked like a kitten her whole life, but she was healthy.

We had a really special bond. My mom always said “I think she knows that you saved her life”. But she saved mine too. I was determined to keep her, and do whatever I needed to do to save her and take care of her. She was the reason I reentered the world and got my life back together.

She’s gone now. She changed my life.

I’m struggling with moving past what he did to me. I feel angry that he gets to go on living his life with no consequences.

I’ve looked for support groups in my area, but I haven’t found any that are easily accessible to me.

Period is 5 days late, and I have no idea why. Exhausted.

So grateful for my cozy bed. It;s 5:30pm and I don’t even care.

Need to start writing this down so when I go back to see my doc we can discuss other methods of dealing with this pain. the amitriptyline doesn’t seem to be working like it used to for sleep or pain management.

I was fine until I got to work, then mid morning all of a sudden the ball of my foot started to hurt when I walked. It go so bad that I had to take my shoe off, and the lightest touch was like stepping on a needle but way worse. It hurt to even have my sock on. So I had one shoe on for most of the day, and if I had to get up and walk around I hobbled on the side of my foot.

Then my ankle and leg started to get tired/sore. Then the OTHER leg started to hurt. I wondered how the hell I was going to make it all the way home. So I kind of limped along. Halfway home, the pain in my foot vanished and I was able to walk almost normally the rest of the way there. Still had pains in my legs (mostly back on my knees) but I made it.

I have not been able to get a hold of my boyfriend for 36 hours. He’s never just not responded to my messages or emails. I’ve called him but it keeps going straight to voicemail. I left him a voicemail. I have heard nothing. I feel panic because this is not like him. I’m worried that he’s fallen or has taken too many painkillers or something. My parents aren’t home, so I can’t ask them to go check on him. I don’t want to text his mother because I don’t want her to panic either. I’m sure I’m just overreacting.

I’m worried and scared and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, but it’s not working. I barely slept. I keep checking my phone for messages. Writing is sort of helping to calm me down. I’ll leave my parents a voicemail and ask them to call me when they get home. Then we can go from there, I guess.