capriccio infernal

the ‘audrey thinks’ series… 📩

Diana spends most of her hours awake sitting on the drawer, watching you walk around your house with Skylar atop your face. Not just sitting and watching occupy her time, though— Diana also finds herself talking. Or is that you talking? Who's making the sound here?

Today is Friday, the second of August. Or is it March seventh, and are you about to get on a plane to Paris, France? Or were you going to London, England? Had you even gone via plane, or did you travel by train? You were reading, or maybe you were drawing. Or you were doodling in your math notebook— wait, no. But yes. But no, not at this time.

She feels her diary counterpart's pages rustle with contempt. You had taken interest in the mirror behind her again, pointedly ignoring her rambling.

"On the thirteenth of October," she starts, "you went to your cousin Cordelia's birthday party." Did I go, too? I might as well have. You described everything like 'a Wikipedia page written by a Harvard professor'. At least, that's what you said after talking about chocolate cake. Were you talking about the cake? No— yes— no—

Diana remembers music, but she thinks of music everywhere. When you were sixteen on October thirteenth, you liked to listen to nearly everything, so Diana liked to listen to everything, too.

"Happy birthday!" Cordelia had beamed at everyone's declarations, her fingers deftly pulling the ribbons from gift boxes. You had gotten her an antique telephone, which you thrifted in New York— New Amsterdam— New? The telephone wasn't new. Because you thrifted it.

"Telephone," she mutters, "Like Garfield's. People don't like to use telephones anymore, they like to talk with Phoneicia, which I would like, too. I like it if you like it, [Name]."

No! I don't like something just because you like it, Diana thinks. The pages of the diary crumple onto themselves with a sound like wet paper being stepped on. Or do I? I like you, [Name]. Because you showed me the world. But sometimes— it hurts.

Diana lets another thought slip from her lips. "Thank you, [Name]."

She doesn't expect you to turn around. She doesn't expect you to meet her eyes. She doesn't expect you to smile so sweetly she nearly forgets about the bad things you've done, the terrible things you— and therefore, she, had gone through. Nearly.

"Hello, Diana," you say knowingly, leaning your head against your shoulder. "How have you been?"

How have I been? That makes Diana think about study hall in high school, where teachers would pass you in the halls and ask you questions. They liked you sometimes. Diana thinks that when you come to her for confiding, it's when your favorite teacher yells at you over something miniscule— (your words, not her's).

"I've been... good. Well, not really. Sometimes I think about June twelfth. That wasn't a good day for you. And me. You and me."

You giggle and close your eyes. "I think you're the best journal I've ever had."

"The only journal," Diana echoes, marveling at your eyelashes. That's what you did with the pretty girls in high school, who told you that you should 'just use castor oil' on your eyelashes. You forgot about it after two months, but your eyelashes did grow a bit longer.

Your eyelashes. Not her's. Because we're not the same person, we just go through the same things. Right?

"What?" Your eyes flutter open. Fluttering, like the dress that you're wearing right now. It's really pretty, Diana thinks. Or did you think that, when you bought it a couple months ago?

Diana tilts her chin up, the fog in front of her eyes breezing away with the sound of your voice. "We're not the same people," she finally says, after her captured breath bubbled out of her throat. "I just... understand your experiences."

You bit your tongue, letting out a hum. "You're right, Diana," you nearly whisper, stepping closer to her. Diana thinks that she can feel your breath on her ear— was that someone speaking French in the distance? No, we're not in Paris anymore. We?

"You have to make me my own person, please," Diana pleads, a rare moment of clarity freeing her mind. You only blink slowly, your eyes meeting her's before you offer another sad, small smile. You slowly nod, careful not to break your pupils away from her's, before you finally spin around, your fluttering dress the only thing Diana recollects.

When Diana loses eye contact with you, she loses her train of thought. She thinks of vague bits from her conversation, like the words 'how' and 'person'. A hypothesis. A theory. The scientific method. That was what you were talking about, weren't you? Science.

"That's our least favorite subject," Diana sing-songs. "Science, because it doesn't involve any creative liberties."

You feel tears prick at your eyes. You hope that, tomorrow, when you talk to her, she'll remember her goal long enough for you to actually fulfill it.

"Diana," you swear, "you'll get your wish if it's the last thing I do. I'm sorry it's taking me so long. I just— won't know what I'm supposed to do with my thoughts when you're free." And every time I look at you, I feel my unreciprocated love filling my lungs like air, and I feel lightheaded— why did you forget?

You feel a tear slip from your left eye and hope it isn't an empty promise.

MASTERLIST

a/n: flawed reader insert forever!! its just your foolish pride fr... thanks for reading! love you guys!

sooo about diana in this fic. she has short term memory kinda like dory (i swear that wasn't the idea here lmaoooo) i kinda thought about a reader who was able to develop a relationship with her but didn't give her that whole individual identity yet. so her memories and the reader's kinda merge. and the reader is a little regretful trying to do this every day because they don't want to put their bad thoughts on anyone else after diana's cured but also diana!! and they're in love with her!!! utilitarianism at its finest.

“There was a party… in the ‘70s.”

Rainey grimaced. She’d heard this before. She knew. She knew what had happened to her, and her mind refused to listen again.

Her throat bobbed. Her mouth opened, as if to protest. Nothing came out but a choked, wheezing sound.

The homeowner continued speaking.

“It was ‘20s themed.”

Rainey imagined a spinning record— anything to drown out the homeowner’s insipid recount. Just the cadence I like, she thought. A smooth jazz would fill the room, and she would dance, dance the Charleston or the Foxtrot. People would flood the space, and they’d dance with her.

Maybe they’d compete for how long they could last, swaying and moving like they were plagued. They’d toss out the obsolete CD players and speakers, and revert back to the record player— like they ought to.

Someone out there would fiddle around with her screws, and music would smother the room as it replaced oxygen.

That was what she wanted; to be recognized.

Was that what she wanted?

”There was, um, an accident.”

The homeowner’s voice shook a bit as they gripped the paper, which Rainey already knew had been signed by Celia. Celia, in all her glory. Celia, who kept an eye on everything in the house, like Rainey had incriminated herself. Like she was a scrambled version of Winston and the mayor prided herself on being Big Brother.

Rainey had half a mind to scream. Declare how much she wanted to be useful again, how much she wanted to be the shining star of the cast of discarded musical instruments strung around the house.

She didn’t. No, no, why would she, when she was scared of changing perfectly fine, anyway? She, alone, could play without touch, and had lasted longer in this house than any other object.

She didn’t want to change. She was fine. Fine the way she was. If anyone wanted to help her manipulate her, twist her into something she wasn’t, she would be devastated.

It was better to be a lunatic. Better to be alone.

Rainey knew— knew, in her heart, that they’d look at her differently if she was ‘fixed’.

She’d pop out somewhere, exclaiming, “Look, I’m better now!” and people would cheer. Cheer, because she was rightfully… right, again. Like they hadn’t scorned her, mocked her, when all she had done was try her best to bring back the vivacity she once witnessed.

She couldn’t have that. She had to urge the homeowner to leave, to stop trying to make her palatable or some other sweet word that would make people like her at her ‘best’. Because that was what mattered, wasn’t it? To be the better person. To forgive the people who laughed at her, when she tried.

God, did she try.

Why couldn’t someone appreciate her now?

Was that what would happen to her? People would love her again, even though she wouldn’t be able to love herself? Would she look at herself in some far-off, reflective surface, and mistake herself for someone else?

The homeowner was still talking. They had apologized, somewhere within the wall of speech they had uttered to make her potentially feel better.

Rainey opened her mouth again. Something came out, sounding both furious and morose, coalescing into something she couldn’t understand.

Change. It was already happening.

For once, she urged someone to leave. Commanded that she needed space, to think, and to listen to herself. After so long of asking for company, for her hey-day to return, and she had just directed the homeowner to leave.

It was for the better, Rainey insisted. Their meek ‘sorry’ couldn’t change anything. Could it?

Thinking. That’s what she needed. Thinking.

MASTERLIST

03. well, i got down on my knees, and i pretend to pray

ׂ╰┈➤ Downtown Coolsville, Day/Month/Year

You regret leaving your house the second you feel the gust of warm, summer wind. You regret it even more when you leave your suburban, 'Truman Show' esque neighborhood, and travel to the downtown section of Coolsville.

You don't know why you've done this. Maybe you felt brave when you told (read: bragged) to Sam. Maybe you just wanted to show her how it really felt when Rainey had predetermined your fate at the rehearsal three days ago. Maybe you just wanted to be in control.

But when you step out of your car and face the grocery store, which might as well have 'Abandon all hope, ye who enter here' plastered on the neon sign overhead instead of 'Valdivimart', your stomach twists in on itself and you almost blanch. Nevertheless, you force yourself inside. You're not wasting good gas money.

You look around the aisles, putting things that you know won't spoil fast in the cart— and hell, why not an apple? You could chew on it in the car— wait, no. That sounds weird. What are you, a horse?

You round the corner, heading for the wine aisle. You never drink alcohol— hell, you never usually drink water, but the aisle is most likely empty. It's noon on a work day, so you don't think any young ladies who want their first(?) sip of champagne will be patrolling the aisles, or any forty year old golfer fathers who want to split a drink as they overlook the golfing field.

You're right, for once. A blonde man with crimped hair and an eccentric outfit is the only other person in the aisle, musing over two bottles that look the exact same to you. You let your eyes rove over the hundreds of bottles pressed against the wall, trying not to think about the bottles that are in your cabinet already. Sam and you had tried.

You wheel your cart around, moving up the aisle. There are more voices to your left, chattering eagerly— wait.

"Well, isn't that just the sweetest thing you've ever seen?" Oh my god, is that Rainey? "Oh, I don't know. I'm not real... fond of that kind of flavor." And is she with Johnny?

You peek over the aisle divider, visually meeting with a familiar pair of gold-eyeshadow lined eyeballs.

You try to stop the yelp that slips from your mouth as Keyes stares you down from the dairy section, her tall frame allowing her a perfect gaze over the other two. She slightly turns her head away from you, and for a moment you think that she's going to let you pass unnoticed— by the others, at least.

But of course Miranda taps her on the back and subsequently sees you leering over the edge of the milk cartons like some freak. Of course she opens her mouth to say something. Of course Rainey and Johnny stop their debate over ice cream flavors and look up to see you.

Now you actually blanch. You can only thank your lucky stars that Jean Loo wasn't there, probably banging it out on the drums or something. He didn't seem particularly pleased the last two rehearsals, his voice almost monotonous when he sang a couple days ago. Someone like him would be much better suited to rapping— why had he still stuck with the band?

"If it isn't [Name]!" Rainey calls, extending her arm in a wave. "Isn't mint chocolate chip ice cream just the berries?" Was she inviting you into the conversation?

You open your mouth, trying to think of a clever response. The only thing that your mind chants is, "RUN!"

Miranda tips her head back, closes her eyes, and lets out a quiet laugh. "This isn't how you greet someone you barely know, Rainey."

Rainey presses her right hand to her heart, dramatically aghast. "Oh, can it, Miranda! Just..." she raises two fingers on her left hand, "two hours ago, you asked them if they'd ever been in love before. That's just an applesauce conversation starter!"

"For my song," Miranda replies. There's a black shopping basket hanging on her wrist, to which she puts a box of butter in. She's switched her eyeshadow today, the color leaning teal instead of the usual sky blue. It looks good on her, but that's probably just because she's pretty.

Keyes raises her head, thumbing at the collar to her shirt. It looks like the keys of a piano--- wow, she must really be dedicated to her instrument... or maybe she's just a band nerd, like you were. Like you are, because you were so simply swayed by Sam's proposal.

"You are all almost as bad as Lux," she mutters, but a smile blossoms on her face. "They're never cooperating with me during concerts, always dimming the lights when my big moment comes. It doesn't help that they're one of two people when we need people to manage tech during concerts. Mac is at least somewhat cooperative.”

"If you really want a big moment," Johnny chimes in, "there's a club near here called the 'Breaker Box' with an open mic policy. Jean Loo and I head down there sometimes, tryin' to bake a biscuit. Well, there's lots o' beatniks, too, bu I'm always happy to receive feedback from anyone."

You begin to back up nervously, nearly veering your cart out the way, before Rainey calls out once more. "[Name], leaving so soon? I was hoping we'd chat."

"If I can find something vaguely entertaining to say," is your response. Rainey laughs, even though you feel utterly mortified. In your chagrin, you miss how the other three break a smile.

She walks over, leaning close to your ear as she guides you by the forearm to their group. "Don't tell anyone I told you this," she whispers, light and saccharine, "but I heard that Miranda's song is for you."

Your eyebrows knit and you whip your head towards her, but before you can conspiratorially ask her where she figured this out, or how she figured this out, or even why she figured this out, you've nearly merged with the group, and would be in earshot of Miranda. She probably has a screw loose, you reason. Why would anyone want to dedicate a song to you?

Keyes peers at her phone, her fingers tapping furiously away messaging someone named 'Hector' who you vaguely remember from college majoring in literature. Rainey leans against her arm, one leg kicked up.

"What have you been up to?" she asks, flashing you a grin. "I've been trying to practice with Keyes on her concerto. It's really the bee's knees— you should come see it when she's done writing it!"

Keyes flushes faintly at the mention of her concerto, ducking her head closer to her phone. You notice a significant increase in typos when she continues writing.

What have you been doing over the past two hours? You think that saying 'nothing, just laying in my bed crying' might tank your reputation farther than stocks in 1928. "Practicing, likewise," you choke out. Rainey's smile widens.

"See, I knew you were an astute musician!" She exclaims, patting you on the arm. "Nothing beats talent like passion!"

Passion. It was somewhere within you, dredged up like tea leaves when you signed up for Skylar's music course. When you were in high school, your passion seemed endless. Each time you messed up in rehearsal, each time you forgot a note when you practiced your solo, was quickly forgotten when you played the next ten reps perfectly.

But when you had gone to college, getting your customer service degree because 'it was more proactive than something like music', you had exchanged your passion for money. And then, when you had gotten your short lived job at Valdivian, you had exchanged your half hour of 'human' interaction (because really, could you call people like that human?) for limbo. And your passion had nearly disappeared at that point, because you knew that you'd be replaced by a robot the second the message came in.

You breathed in through your nose and out through your mouth, a technique that you had learned from your first retail manager when you had broken down sobbing after someone had nearly slapped you across the face. "You're right. Nothing does beat talent like passion."

"If you want to see passion, you should accompany us to the club after this," Johnny exclaimed. "Everyone there could benefit from seein' your gorgeous face."

Miranda hummed her encouragement as he continued. "Even though it's, er, open 'mic' implyin' singin', any instrument can just saunter up," the black haired man said, leaning against the glass door leading to the gallons of 1% milk. "Remember once Keyes had people haul a piano up there," he mused.

Keyes looked up from what she was writing, which seemed to be a list of tasks to send to Hector, and scoffed. "I'm surprised that their piano was even tucked away in the storage room," she said. "It really contributes well to the jazz atmosphere. And no instrument deserves to be crammed away like it was."

At the mention of jazz, Rainey perked up. "I would just love to do a saxophone solo there. Why don't we meet tomorrow? I haven't had top shelf giggle water in a good long while," she yawned.

You contemplated saying no, but when each of their eyes met yours, you found your tongue unable to say anything but "Yes. Of course."

ׂ╰┈➤ The Breaker Box, Day/Month/Year

You had come in your best clothes, even going to the effort of styling your hair. You were the last one to convene outside the door, unsurprisingly. After the brown haired, bearded man outside had checked your ID, you slid inside, trying your best to blend in with the other partygoers.

You found the four at a booth in the VIP section, along with Jean Loo, who was picking at the back of his nape. He was whispering something under his breath and scribbling on a notepad with his left hand, which you either thought was chicken scratch or French. Maybe they were lyrics? Was he, somehow, still in college, memorizing something?

When you set your trumpet with an unceremonial thump onto the table, Johnny turned to face you with the brightest grin you'd ever seen on his handsome face.

"Gorgeous!" He waved, beckoning you closer. Miranda slid her headphones off, toying with her guitar. Rainey made a muffled 'hello' sound, her mouth stuffed with a saxophone reed.

Keyes cracked her knuckles, shuffling through her sheet music. "[Name], you're here."

You bit your tongue. "I am, yes." You wondered what she'd say. Would she ask you a question? Oh, no. Should you come up with some generic answers? You ate spaghetti last night, you video called Sam, and you—

She looked at her gold painted fingernails and gestured to a red-clad man mopping an area where no patrons were. "Could you ask Hoove to do one more clean of the stage?"

PART FOUR | MASTERLIST

02. raindrops keep fallin’ on my head

The first thing you’re met with is the sunglass-clad face of a girl with vivid pink hair and an even more vivid smile.

”Hi!” she grabs you by the shoulders and nearly pulls you inside, shutting the door with a ‘click’ behind you. You’re absolutely sure that it does nothing to deter the sound.

She brushes off your left shoulder and sticks out her right hand. “I’m Skylar Specs. Your teacher and conductor… well, we’re close in age, anyway. Just call me Skylar. And your life—“

You tentatively take her hand, to which she reinforces with her left and aggressively shakes.

“Is about to change!”

ׂ╰┈➤ Music Center, Day/Month/Year, Rehearsal 1

You learn their names easily enough— not that you want to.

Sheet music is distributed. Skylar pulls up concert seating order, but everyone ends up sitting wherever they want, anyway. You watch the six as you run through half-remembered scales.

You don’t realize that your two minutes of warm-up time is over until Skylar claps her hands and asks everyone to ‘take a look at the new music’.

It’s slightly difficult— or rather, tedious. The time signature is common, but it’s meant to be a ‘swing’ song, there’s an emphasis on accents, and the tempo’s set at 120.

‘Happy Together’, uncopyrighted by Skylar Specs. You’ve heard it before, doomscrolling, but when have you not heard an old song repurposed to be a money-grabbing commercial hit? It might be nice, you think, to exercise my embouchure. God knows my tongue hasn’t gotten much action lately.

“Okay,” Skylar announces. “I’ll give you another two Skylar minutes— that’s either way more or way less than two actual minutes —so you can practice any part you find difficult, because you’ll definitely be sight reading almost the whole thing when we all play together.”

You let a breath escape you and hold your trumpet up to your mouth once again. The room fills with sound; certainty not anything pleasant. You find yourself mellowing out amongst everyone, worried to make a mistake. That would definitely draw attention, and you had already shown yourself enough during icebreakers.

Your month-long band mates did not need to know half the things they do.

After what feels like 30 seconds, (but is probably actually five minutes), Skylar claps her hands once more and holds up her baton, held together with a substantial amount of duct tape and hot glue. You instinctively sit up straighter, and set your brow. Out the corner of your eye, Rainey does the same, and you can only assume that the other four mimic you— or maybe you mimic them. Skylar twirls her baton, slower than the actual tempo, but it still fills you with a feeling of exhilaration. Adrenaline. And most prominent— nostalgia.

Playing together… is an experience. It takes you back to your middle and high school, in those hallowed halls, where your band would play a song hundreds of times, stopping after a couple measures, playing once more, and stopping yet again. Like a car in traffic.

Johnny, quite the… influenced singer, adds his own twang upon the lyrics. The three who don’t use their lungs to push sound through their instrument take the place of both the backing vocals and their respective instruments. They’re almost scatting (and they said you didn’t learn anything from that music theory unit in 10th grade!) and your trumpet seems to mix with their notes and voices like sugar in hot water.

It’s positively exhilarating. By the time you’re done playing through the song, you’re sweating and smiling. Rainey turns to you, a knowing glint in her eye.

“You felt it, right?” she asks. “That… sensation.”

You start and snap your head towards her so fast you think you pull a nerve.

She laughs at this, light and airy. “It’s better than a hundred swigs of giggle juice,” she remarks. “You‘ll be here in two days. For that next rehearsal.”

You frown. “What?”

She repeats the statement, smiling all the while. “You’ll be here. I know you will.”

ׂ╰┈➤ Parking lot, Ville, Day/Month/Year

When you slide your trumpet back into its case and leave with the rest of the band (who jive with each other, and you feel like an intruder amongst old friends), you think about what Rainey said.

That you’d be back. She said it like she knew, like it was a fact instead of wishful thinking. Perhaps you wouldn’t come back, just to prove to her that she couldn’t tell you what to do.

You’re still torn between abandoning these freaks, donating your trumpet to charity, and leaving the country, or staying, trying to fit in— possibly to no avail, when you hear a Spanish accent puncture your thoughts.

”Hey, [Name]. You like music, right? Will you give my song a listen? You’re good at analyzing chords ‘n all that.” Fuck. You shouldn’t have said anything about having a strange affinity for music in your youth. Now everyone’s looking at you.

Palms itchy, you swallow your pride and nod, and Miranda presses the ‘play’ button on a (terrible) recording on her phone’s camera app.

When Miranda turns to you and asks you what you think of the song, and tells you that ‘there are certainty more in store if you fancy her style’, it’s like feeling a ray of sunshine in the frigid winter. When the other musicians surround you, mentioning their own musical experiences, it’s like the cold lap of the ocean against your skin on the hottest day of the year.

And when you get in your car, hearing voices fading away like the sun disappearing on the horizon, you feel a sudden urge to call out. To bid them goodbye, and to promise that you’d be there on Thursday, and that you’d be easygoing and relaxed.

But when you roll down your window to say something suave like “see you soon, guys”, you feel a knot in your throat. And you put your car in reverse and pull out of the parking lot, unable to look at them as you pass.

PART THREE | MASTERLIST