hi,

*deep sigh* i wish some distant relative of mine would leave me an old farm in their will so i could fuck off to the countryside and save the harvest goddess

everyday i think about how frank sinatra tried using his mafia ties to kill woody allen and i wanna know who the fuck stopped him.

I sent this into a group chat once and a guy flipped out at how my sense of humor is horrible and kicked me out of the chat

if u ever meet someone who makes ur life flow easier and makes u laugh a lot keep them, that’s all u need

It’s almost like people would rather not talk to every random stranger they see in public.

Is that Doug dimmadome?

owner of the dimmsdale dimmadome?

this is how bernie can still win

youd be scared too if a 6 inch tall naked human sprinted across your floor

when i say “i don’t like drama” what i really mean is “i don’t want to have my own drama.” your drama, on the other hand,