it was good while it lasted

im like if a girl was {undefined variable}. im like if a girl was [fragment missing]. im like if a girl was (editor’s note: the author’s invocation of the word “girl” in this context is idiosyncratic, perhaps metaphorical) im like if a girl was im like if a girl draft deleted! im like if a girl You have reached your free article limit! Subscribe now to continue reading. im like if a girl was [THREAD LOCKED] im like if a girl (ENDING EXPLAINED!) im like if a girl Unusual activity detected, please highlight all the pictures of bicycles. im like if a girl I don’t respond to prompts that could be deemed offensive, and so I am unable to carry out the request. im-like-if-a-girldeactivated03092023. im like if a girl we are unable to take your call at the minute. im like if a girl isn’t registered under that name. im like if a girl could give you her date of birth. im like if a girl oh yes we have you under […]. im like if a girl LOST CONNECTION

love shouldn't make you question or doubt. it should make you trust and believe that you are loved and deserve to be loved.

the inherent pain of wanting to start again but also the inherent joy of getting to start again

language is literally so beautiful like in english "i miss you" comes from being unable to locate someone in the field after battle, it's "i look for you but i can't find you" but the french "tu me manques" is also about absence but it's not something i do, it's something that happens to me, as in "you are something essential lacking inside me", in portuguese it's either "sinto a tua falta" as in "i feel your absence" or, from solitude you get "saudade de você" as in "i am lonely [of] you", and in spanish the word comes from stranger and it's something one does, "te extraño" as in "i am making a stranger out of you", and, and, and

Ok, so you seek out unhealthy sources of validation. But deep down you really feel like making, like developing a skill. You don't feel like browsing or organising. You feel like flow state. You feel like writing but you always feel like writing. You feel like writing is the only way out of this collapse. You write the story you're about to start living. You write to remember who you are. You write for yourself in the future. You write yourself into existence. Without making a mark you are barely existing. I suppose okay, sure, you might have been wrong about everything. You might have malignant narcissism, and you might only be causing pain for the people you love. You might not love anyone at all, not really anyway. You might know love only from a distance. You might have a pathological obsession with knowing yourself. It might be OCD. You might have given up 7 years ago. You might be searching forever. You might lose everything you've ever worked for and that might be the second best thing to happen to you. I might be the first. You might not have the right venue, the right medium, the right stage, just yet. You might have to build one for yourself. Maybe you're supposed to focus not on the delivery but on the content. Maybe you should find new channels to communicate your perspective. You said, what's the point if you're not the one in control. But what is the point if no one ever sees it. You said consistency is the only prerequisite to success. You said you hate routine. You try to write a routine but spent must of your time optimising. Always too busy planning to carry out the plan. You said you don't know how to start. You start by letting go of the plan. The plan will emerge when you're in the middle of it, stitching together the past with the future, you find direction. You know the only healthy source of validation is in letting go, in vulnerability, in welcoming pain. We share our pain and are met with affection. We throw the ball back and forth.