O, be swift — we have always known you wanted us.

i think what i keep coming back to is that he can't have loved me. & how insane i feel for having believed so deeply that he did. the whole relationship feels like a mirage to me now. it felt so rare & precious & thrilling & soft & hopeful when i was in it. now it's thin, distant. my pride is hurt, too. i've always (& sometimes arrogantly, i'll admit) prided myself on not being taken in by men, on seeing through them, on knowing in my gut at least that someone is going to hurt me even if i do give them the benefit of the doubt. but i trusted him so completely. i believed every word, every action, every promise, every hope for the future. he went out of his way, over & over again, to give me every reason to believe him. i feel so humiliated by it. i don't know how i could trust anyone else or my own feelings towards them ever again.