Off the Air Space

My friend sent me this with a "this made me think of you."

so i inverted the colors

and it's a painful distinction to make because that's a really strong motivator in its own right. like sometimes you'll ask yourself "okay well if I was going to make <insert project here> ONLY for myself, how would I do it" and the answer is going to be "I wouldn't" and that's a rough fucking pill to swallow.

on the other hand, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with daydreaming about projects you don't actually want to make, but which you like imagining Having Made. plan out a game you're not going to code. plot out a novel you don't care to write. Having Made Something is not the point of art.* rolling around in creative mud with no real objective has value god damn it

like, perhaps you are seeking out new skills to try not because you're necessarily interested in just being good at them, but specifically to see if you will be exceptionally good at them without trying. ykwim? testing to see if you "have talent" because it would prove to the part of you that doesn't comprehend your inherent preciousness as a living human being that there is "something of value" in you. which, again, the thing of value in you is you. you had inherent immutable value as a baby and babies can't do shit*. do u get me. everything else is just gravy.

it's very easy to learn fast without trying and exceed expectations as a child, for obvious reasons I think. and if that's the only thing you felt valued for, you are gonna miss that feeling like hell as an adult and part of you might even get Big Mad at the insinuation that you have value even if you are truly doing nothing and producing nothing and excelling at nothing. at which point it's time to sit with that feeling and affirm it but also ask it some questions.

so anyway my end point here is that although "you need to get comfortable with being bad at things so that you can get good at them" is not bad advice, I think it might not be addressing the actual source of the issue for a lot of people

For those of us who DID give up on ourselves, but are still here despite it all, be proud as well.

Whoever or Whatever helps you persist, why ever you're still around, that's worthy of Pride as well.

A version of "You" that you can be proud of will exist one day. In the meantime, Exist. Survive. Rest.

the temptation to start commissions is strong and i see a lot of people on art subs asking if they are "ready". here's the secret: you are ready for commissions when you have a significant number of people asking, unprompted, if you take commissions. opening at any point before that is going to be a motivation-breaking battle against the algorithm.

people asking you if you take commissions is not the same as people telling you "you should sell your art". these are well-intentioned words of encouragement from idiots who love you. someone saying "i would buy it" is also not the same-- that's a load-bearing 'would' that hides a secret 'if'.

you must recognize that accepting your own freedom is not a shirking of responsibility but the ultimate act of taking responsibility; that it requires strength to take ownership of everything you do and have done; that this is only possible if you also have compassion for yourself, understanding that everyone does everything for a reason; that this fact does not negate any harm caused, but coexists with the fact of that harm; that you are only truly free if you know why you make the choices you do; that your actions will still have consequences; that consequences are a neutral thing, like physics, one thing resulting from another, the potential results infinitely varied; and that you will feel the most confidence in your actions when you strive to perceive reality and your own emotions as they are and act accordingly.

it's not going to corrupt you. it's not going to somehow be psychically transmitted to the world at large. give yourself space to recognize that these are, in fact, your genuine thoughts and feelings, no matter how intensely uncomfortable that feels. recognize that you can let them be the dominant attitude in your mind for a few minutes without it affecting your behavior or compromising your integrity.

once you've gotten all of it out and seen the train of thought in its entirety, you can take a breath and step back to examine it from a distance. you can respond to it the way you would to a child who doesn't know better, non-judgmentally, trusting yourself to stay true to your pre-established values. and having processed it this way, you can feel closer to those values instead of feeling that tension between what you believe and the thoughts you refuse to acknowledge because they don't align with it.

"but it's bad to give any credence to harmful ideologies in the public discourse!" good thing this isn't the public discourse then.

"but prejudiced people aren't entitled to my empathy and education!" they are when they're you. it's non-negotiable that you have to live with you, therefore you are necessarily entitled to your own compassion.

"what would people think if they knew?" you don't have to tell anyone shit. your thoughts can be completely your own, and some of them should stay that way, but that doesn't mean they're evil to have, even if you hate the idea of acting on them. good news, you have free will and you don't have to act on them.