if it rly tastes like strawberries (and a summer evening) i am set for life

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@bartthedwome
if it rly tastes like strawberries (and a summer evening) i am set for life

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they come to me in the night
the melodies
the memories
i don't know what to do with myself, how to get the ghosts to go away
it's the melody of being seen, of shining lights on the stage
i chase the feelings as i experienced them in that moment
and know that i am chasing whisps of clouds in the sky
it makes me cry, now, tears that have been silently welling for months, spilling over
i miss it so desperately
i want to feel it again
i never will with this - that was a one time thing, a meeting of so many people from so many different lives creating something beautiful
now they are stretched across the globe and i miss it
i wish to have someone who resonates with this feeling, who knew what this experience was like
mirrors, mirrors on my walls
who will answer when the darkness calls?
time and time again i find myself here
a new melody, the same heartbreak
i feel so lost without them...i feel so full of the wrong things
it makes me think about how many people believe in me
i know they still do, wherever they may be
god it was so special
i did it lonely and anxious and scared
and i came out the other side for the better
i have to keep pushing for that better
regardless of how different it is now
it's okay to keep chasing that feeling
but in the meantime, what to do?
i'm so conflicted
cognitive dissonance at its finest
what to do?
i know love hurts this much
to be so deeply devoted to something
it's a hell of a drug, but the withdrawals are deadly
the addiction metaphors never cease
because i am addicted to the feeling and i'm haunted by my predisposed weakness towards it
this was sweet, though
to be so supported? and how do i express that?
how do i keep those connections alive in any kind of expression of how much it meant to me? it all feels so detached.
it's a loss
a constant, driving grief
for someone who's had so little relationship with death i sure have felt a lot of grief in my life
death isn't the only form of loss
i feel purposeless, without a guiding compass of just the most loving and kind and attentive people
how do i channel this emotion and this feeling?
how do i make it into art?
i want to try - there's something here, a flickering flame that sparks, rears its head, peeks through the curtains in my best moments
i will learn how to release my inhibitions, no fucking drugs or alcohol necessary
i will learn to lead with the support that others have modeled for me
they have given me a gift that i will not take for granted
i will learn to accept how strongly i love, learn to embrace the power of my expansive, overwhelming emotion
i will learn to turn towards the light, and lead a life that shines as brightly as those spotlights
i will learn to accept - to enter the acceptance stage of grief, take everything i can from this experience and keep moving
the antidote to anxiety being action is a cosmic joke - to spite me and my paralyzing, immobilizing fear
but i will act. i will stay in motion and allow the change to wash over me in waves
this is my faith, my belief - their faith in me does not end with the final curtain call
i use it to spur me on, driving me forward
toward change - toward the new and the terrifying and the awe-inspiring
anything could happen
anything could happen
nothing happens in stagnation
i will not be stagnant
i will be beautifully imperfect in my motion
with uneven strides and shaky muscles
but motion is motion
emotion is to move
i am moved by so many wonders of this great world
the motion is in me, i am moved by great forces that i almost know the nature of
i am moved and i am moving
i am emotion
i am in motion
Happy pride, everyone! Remember to blame even the slightest inconvenience on the homophones this month, it’s your god-given right 🏳️🌈
homophones are the worst...
they're the difference between "eight" and "ate" this pride month 😔
HAPPY PRIDE
i was too busy yesterday being flamboyantly queer i did not post
my mental health rn is sponsored by equal parts therapy, the pedro pescal puppy interview, strawberries, bread, empanadas, and fanfiction.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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there it is
a strike of lightning from the zeus that is just a helping hand
and i am alive once more
a frankenstein
who dared to reach within
and found myself the creator
who knew letting oxygen into my lungs allowed such blooming words to grow? is it any wonder?
here i am. i am up to my nips in joy and exploration and abundance and life.
i am the city on the hill, for the version of me from much lower points to look on at from all sides and see this shining beacon of hope.
yes. this feels right - like me, truly, that silver thing whose pulsing glow emanates from within me with each heartbeat.
each flowering breath.
yes. this is right. this is enough.
each sigh leaves room for fresh, crisp, air, making its way into my lungs, and crashing like a wave to deliver a hidden gift from the depths of the sea.
a whisper of the wind through the trees, a pulse that travels through roots deep in the soil, the beating of wings from a cresting bird on high, colors alight before my fingers in the darkness.
yes, oh, yes, spring has sprung, summer sun beats down upon my skin, and i laugh in a delirious, feverish haze as i feel the burn.
burns heal. wounds fade. i am enough.
"you're blocking your own love story"
yeah i know can i unblock it now. where's the unblock button.
diva down in the sense of ate down 😝💅
but also diva down in the sense of man down 🫡😔
in the words of high school misogynistic straight boys, "and see we have to grapple with this dichotomy..."
she is a spider
spinning webs in the corners of my mind
growing an intricate net
that begins to weave through everything
clinging to my every thought

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
i love life by nature, by an animal instinct and the highest facet of complex intelligence all at once
this is my "ruining the percieved 'perfection' of my blog" post - i can post whatever, it doesn't have to all be perfection bc perfection is not real
the goal is to make smthg real
Is it any wonder I reject you first?
Is it any wonder you are too cool to fool?
Fame, bully for you chilly for me
Got to get a rain check on pain
they say to be the main character of your life's movie
my life
is a psychological case study
i'm always being watched by an obscure
sterile face
leered at
judged
hands reaching
itchy to dissect
someone's always tapping on the glass
perpetual fight or flight
personally i would like to be hudson williams in those peloton ads
my gay ass dancing around on a treadmill with Fame by David Bowie in the background
indoctrinating the world into my capitalist agenda with my sexy visible abs and tiny fucking shorts

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
weeping silently in my room listening to Gangnam Style felt devastating in the moment but is definitely the most hilarious thing i did in the year of our Lord (Hozier) 2024
i look to the horizon
the rising sun is
oh so bright
i send my gaze toward the light
wade into the sea
and dive