aching heart

the melodies

the memories

i don't know what to do with myself, how to get the ghosts to go away

it's the melody of being seen, of shining lights on the stage

i chase the feelings as i experienced them in that moment

and know that i am chasing whisps of clouds in the sky

it makes me cry, now, tears that have been silently welling for months, spilling over

i miss it so desperately

i want to feel it again

i never will with this - that was a one time thing, a meeting of so many people from so many different lives creating something beautiful

now they are stretched across the globe and i miss it

i wish to have someone who resonates with this feeling, who knew what this experience was like

mirrors, mirrors on my walls

who will answer when the darkness calls?

time and time again i find myself here

a new melody, the same heartbreak

i feel so lost without them...i feel so full of the wrong things

it makes me think about how many people believe in me

i know they still do, wherever they may be

god it was so special

i did it lonely and anxious and scared

and i came out the other side for the better

i have to keep pushing for that better

regardless of how different it is now

it's okay to keep chasing that feeling

but in the meantime, what to do?

i'm so conflicted

cognitive dissonance at its finest

what to do?

i know love hurts this much

to be so deeply devoted to something

it's a hell of a drug, but the withdrawals are deadly

the addiction metaphors never cease

because i am addicted to the feeling and i'm haunted by my predisposed weakness towards it

this was sweet, though

to be so supported? and how do i express that?

how do i keep those connections alive in any kind of expression of how much it meant to me? it all feels so detached.

it's a loss

a constant, driving grief

for someone who's had so little relationship with death i sure have felt a lot of grief in my life

death isn't the only form of loss

i feel purposeless, without a guiding compass of just the most loving and kind and attentive people

how do i channel this emotion and this feeling?

how do i make it into art?

i want to try - there's something here, a flickering flame that sparks, rears its head, peeks through the curtains in my best moments

i will learn how to release my inhibitions, no fucking drugs or alcohol necessary

i will learn to lead with the support that others have modeled for me

they have given me a gift that i will not take for granted

i will learn to accept how strongly i love, learn to embrace the power of my expansive, overwhelming emotion

i will learn to turn towards the light, and lead a life that shines as brightly as those spotlights

i will learn to accept - to enter the acceptance stage of grief, take everything i can from this experience and keep moving

the antidote to anxiety being action is a cosmic joke - to spite me and my paralyzing, immobilizing fear

but i will act. i will stay in motion and allow the change to wash over me in waves

this is my faith, my belief - their faith in me does not end with the final curtain call

i use it to spur me on, driving me forward

toward change - toward the new and the terrifying and the awe-inspiring

anything could happen

anything could happen

nothing happens in stagnation

i will not be stagnant

i will be beautifully imperfect in my motion

with uneven strides and shaky muscles

but motion is motion

emotion is to move

i am moved by so many wonders of this great world

the motion is in me, i am moved by great forces that i almost know the nature of

i am moved and i am moving

i am emotion

a strike of lightning from the zeus that is just a helping hand

and i am alive once more

a frankenstein

who dared to reach within

here i am. i am up to my nips in joy and exploration and abundance and life.

i am the city on the hill, for the version of me from much lower points to look on at from all sides and see this shining beacon of hope.

yes. this feels right - like me, truly, that silver thing whose pulsing glow emanates from within me with each heartbeat.

each flowering breath.

yes. this is right. this is enough.

each sigh leaves room for fresh, crisp, air, making its way into my lungs, and crashing like a wave to deliver a hidden gift from the depths of the sea.

a whisper of the wind through the trees, a pulse that travels through roots deep in the soil, the beating of wings from a cresting bird on high, colors alight before my fingers in the darkness.

yes, oh, yes, spring has sprung, summer sun beats down upon my skin, and i laugh in a delirious, feverish haze as i feel the burn.

but also diva down in the sense of man down 🫡😔

spinning webs in the corners of my mind

growing an intricate net

that begins to weave through everything

Is it any wonder you are too cool to fool?

Fame, bully for you chilly for me

my life

is a psychological case study

i'm always being watched by an obscure

sterile face

leered at

judged

hands reaching

itchy to dissect

someone's always tapping on the glass

my gay ass dancing around on a treadmill with Fame by David Bowie in the background

the rising sun is

oh so bright

i send my gaze toward the light

wade into the sea