Barrio Dysmorphia Speaks

If you’ve followed my other blog (shameless plug for the poorly neglected barriodysmorphiaspeaks which I’ll probably just fold into this one blog) you know that I’ve been on a journey of sorts for the past year and a half. I began working with a kick-ass nutritionist (he would have kicked my ass in gear had I not worked). As a result I’ve lost 58 pounds. We had a specific goal in mind and I met that goal this past Tuesday.

And it was thoroughly anticlimactic. I don’t know if I expected balloons to come barreling through my ceiling once that infernal scale finally reached 120 (I had many setbacks reaching that arbitrary number) or I would go running and cheering down the streets in a bikini (not happening). Really, this just means that I must have a cheat day because I would keep losing weight otherwise (I wasn’t on a diet but a lifestyle change - yeah, I know I sound like one of “those” people). What’s true in all of this is that no matter how much weight you lose your body issues, dysmorphic leanings, self-consciousness, and weird expectations don’t vanish. You gotta keep working on your mental game.

This is all beside the point. I had pictured for the past three months reaching my goal and having a very specific “first cheat meal.” My brother was to accompany me to Cafe Gratitude here in Los Angeles. Cafe Gratitude is a serene and beautiful all vegan, natural, organic restaurant. Their food is legit delicious (it is!). And in a very wholesome new-age-stereotype L.A. kinda way each vegan dish is named something like  “spectacular,”  “inspired,”  “dynamic,” “fortified,” “humble.” So when the server (always kind and gentle) brings you your meal, they will place it in front of you and say, “You are dynamic,” “You are insert dish name.” I realize what this sounds like when you read it, “that’s so California” you’re saying. It is. It really is. But it’s actually an endearing and rather loving way to nourish your body and spirit. SOOOOOO, I was going to go there and order something (possibly called “liberated” - a yummy pesto kelp noodle dish, but probably “grateful” their signature bowl of beans, kale tahini, with brown rice) and take a picture of it, filter it lightly (because it ain’t need it!), and post it here and on instragram with a cheesy (even though they don’t serve cheese! ha) meaningful message about my weight loss journey.

Here’s what went down as my first cheat meal. I had 3 shots of tequila and multiple lime wedges (I abstained from the salt because I don’t eat it anymore) at my second favorite gay bar/club in West Hollywood while tipsily hobnobbing with revelers and drag queens (out of geish) while dancing with my bestie. I followed that with a 2 am serving of overly seasoned (because they had salt) hashbrowns with egg whites (technically not a cheat). And that was that. I got drunkish and had a ton of fun. That was it.

I suggested we have a screening of Paris is Burning at my college. Hence, I gave a very brief introduction. This is a sketch of what I said - I ad-libbed transitions in the actual delivery. This was given around the time I was preparing to start a unit in my Latino/a lit and culture class on Adore Delano - so I was reminiscing on the time I first came into direct contact with female impersonation (outside of pop culture world of Bugs Bunny and Tootsie et al).

This is also a brief insight into some of the work I’m thinking about. I’m going to Raja’s video release party tonight for her Cholita video. I’m excited at the possibilities for critical interpretation it will offer (along with other chola drag - i.e. from Adore and Willam).

I obviously have a lot more to say about all of this (including Paris is Burning). Stay tuned.

Paris Is Burning (1990) Introduction:

My first exposure to cross-dressing came at a very young age. My family used to have a small one bedroom back house attached to our family home. Because Reaganomics dictated that middle class working families had to fend for themselves, my folks sporadically rented out this house for a marginal extra income. In what was undoubtedly a progressive act for the 1980s they rented to a gay couple (actually, I’m not sure if they were a couple) – Pepe and Enrique. My fondest memories of Pepe were that he would keep us well stocked with candy and a regular supply of Disney VHS rentals. One afternoon my mom, little sister, and I went to their place for some reason, as we moved into the living room Enrique screamed in horror and proceeded to get up from the carpeted floor and run towards the bedroom. All I saw was a flash of a short red kimono, a toweled head, blue eyeshadow and bright red lipstick – he’d been sitting in front of a make shift vanity applying makeup. Hidden in the other room he repeatedly exclaimed in Spanish, “don’t let them see me, please, don’t let them see me.” Because I was less than 10 years old I didn’t understand what was happening. I just distinctly remember the shame and embarrassment he showed – it was as if he was somehow caught transgressing a boundary he shouldn’t have in front of us girls. Now I associate it with what Esther Newton claims in her 1970s seminal text Mother Camp: Female Impersonators in America, which suggests that female impersonation was not only seen as a potential deviance/perversion but a highly stigmatized “flaunting of effeminacy” in a predominantly heteronormative patriarchal society.

While the exact origins and etymology of the word drag (whether it’s an acronym for dressed as a girl from the Shakespearean world or the action of dragging theater skirts across a stage floor) are unverifiable, the connective tissue resides in the performative. And nowhere is this performance more acute and illuminated than in the spectacular underground ball culture of 1980s New York as exhibited in Jennie Livingston’s 1991 documentary Paris is Burning.

The “Women’s Health Issues” Pie

Happy Birthday Dolores Del Rio (August 3, 1905 – April 11, 1983)

How much can you tell about a person based on their open internet browser tabs? These are the tabs left open on my Silk browser off my Amazon Kindle Fire. I don’t keep my laptop tabs open. My mobile tabs are another story (best told at another time). I don’t use my Kindle daily, but at least 4-5 times a week.

I didn’t close or open any special tabs for this. These have been open for various lengths of time for the past couple of months (I believe). There’s 17! 

Read into these what you will:

1. Amazon local deal (similar to Groupon/Living Social): “Up to $80 to spend at Rosalind’s Ethiopian” restaurant in Little Ethiopia in Wilshire area of Los Angeles. I love Ethiopian food. I love a good deal. I will have reached my “goal” in my nutrition plan in a matter of days which will necessitate a “cheat day.” Yup, I’ll be coming here soon. Plus it’s around the corner from LACMA. Makes a great outing.

2. An article from Alternet called, “Bernie Sanders’ Secret Sauce” The Vermont Socialist’s Improbable Rise to Prominence.” I’m not going to get too much into politics, but I can tell you that I like this man and his message. However, I opened this article because I wanted to check out what the hell possessed this online news publication to talk about a man’s “secret sauce.” I was repelled and compelled to check it out. Figures.

3. An article from The Angry Black Woman entitled, “What is Cultural Appropriation.” Basically, I’m doing some research for an upcoming project which will be focusing on drag queens’ usage of chola iconography. Chola Drag is where it’s at. I’ll be looking at Adore Delano, Willam, and Raja’s work. Cultural appropriation is tricky given that it’s subjective considering there isn’t a cultural barometer by which to ultimately measure. What I can say is that the fact that drag queens are employing this image is important- understanding drag and gender performativity is key.

4. Sugarpill Cosmetics. I like makeup. Sugarpill colors are intense and crazy bright. Was checking if they had some kind of sale (I’m sure my next stop would’ve been OCC cosmetics).

5. A Thrillist list called, “Where to Boozy Brunch in L.A.: A Hood-By-Hood Guide.” My baby brother lives near me (in Hollywood). He’s turning 21 in a few weeks. Yes, yes we will be bottomless mimosa brunching it up.

6. My work email. Yup, even during summer break I kinda sorta keep up with my work email. I have at least 4 emails that I should reply to - I’ll get to them soon enough.

7. “We Love Katya.” Katya’s website. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. I had opened this awhile ago to look at her schedule to see if I could figure out whether or not her bookings coincided with the RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars 2 filming (there was no conflict - but it’s already been confirmed she’s on it. Yes!!! Not that the website appearances are really updated - I do know I’ll be seeing her on the drag cruise this January and that’s not on the schedule).

8. Peaches concert dates. Can’t wait to check out her concert. Such a badass.

9. Roasted cherry tomatoes recipe. I’ve been using Tyler Florence’s recipe as a base to make this rich delicious tomato “jam” for my daily turkey sandwiches. I bought loaf of freshly made sourdough bread this morning a the farmers’ market that will make me very happy this week.

10. A fan-fiction archive. I love X-Files fan fiction!

11. A Bing search on author ZZ Packer. Not sure why I left this open or why I opened it to begin with. I’ll check it out soon.

12. The Electric Typewriter’s “Joan Didion” page. Get your Didion fix here. Useful links. I love her work. Play it As it Lays!

13. A Google doc. An early draft of my brother’s new play. It’s top secret. It’s brilliant. It will be a big hit in Los Angeles. Wait for it.

14. LookHuman.com. Website with kick fun and clever t-shirts. The discounts!

15. The schedule for Silverlake Yoga. My yoga spot.

16. A HuffPost article called, “9 Great Yoga YouTube Channels.” Self explanatory.

17. An article from The Improper Bostonian. Yes, it’s from Boston and it’s an article called, “Beauty Queened.” It’s about Katya. And I probably kept it open (as part of my drag research) because of the following two quotes that made me fall in love with her even more: “Rather than striving to embody flawless femininity, McCook sees Katya as an opportunity to expose ‘the crumbling foundation of that perfect image which women have to project’.” And on the “constricting” nature of her drag accoutrement (dance tights, foam pads, stockings, corset, body shaper, silicone breasts, “It’s like a heavy-handed metaphor for the trials and tribulations of modern womanhood.”  See! I fucking love smart queens. That’s what makes for longevity - a critical thinker. Willam and Alaska are pretty damn brilliant, too.

RuPaul’s Drag Race is on the brink of making a major announcement hinting that they’re giving their fans what they’ve been asking for. “You’ve asked for it…” boasts their teaser. Part of me thought it’s just them plugging their season 4 re-airing because I don’t want to get my hopes up. Thus so because part of me thinks they’re indeed giving fans what they’ve been clamoring and vocalizing for for over a year (way before season 7 aired), an All-Stars 2. With the bad blood and mixed emotions stemming from the Season 7 results (I personally felt it was a more contrived season - even though I deeply enjoyed it) and the more horrific social media shaming/threatening divisiveness, the fans of the show NEED All-Stars 2**. They need to band together cheering on their past favorites - the queens that brought them joy and, most importantly, a love and appreciation for drag. But they need to bring back the best of the best to make it an actual competition. They need to bring back Willam. Hear me out.

After today’s teaser came out, Willam took to social media and half jokingly suggested, “yes! give the people what they ASKED for :)” There’s been speculation (and assumption) that Willam has not been asked to join All-Stars 2. And for all I go on and on over Katya, the main reason I started following and loving Katya, even before Season 7 aired, was because the seeming similarities between the two (which was really the doing of the show dressing and presenting Katya that way in the ads because they’re actually quite different). The reason I suggest that Willam is amongst “the best of the best” is not because he’s my “favorite” (he is) or because of my “stanning” (ugh that’s my least favorite verb for people over 15), but because willambelli is truly at the top of his game now. He’s shown tremendous growth since season 4.

Willam’s look is on point (err sickening, per the proper lingo), his youTube output is continually entertaining, his humor and wit is spot on via social media, and you can’t beat his album (yes, Alaska’s is pretty damn brilliant, too). The album is important to spotlight because it perfectly captures the essence of his drag persona. And that persona is continually subversive, playing on cultural taboos, shaking our rigid views of sexuality, gender, and sex (his recent on-stage fisting!!), and intelligent. Watch the “Es Una Pasiva” video to see a smart rendition of drag camp. Listen to the lyrics of “Coin of the Dresser,” that song speaks Willam in spades. And with book is coming out soon, Willam proves he knows how to sell his ultimate product, himself.

Thus it makes sense if you’re bringing in talented favorites like Alaska and Katya, bring in Willam. Make this a real competition.

Keep in mind, this could all be for naught, but it bears mentioning.

Last week was weird. It was the first full week I was able to spend at home since summer break began - no trips or excursions planned except for the normal day to day trifling incidentals of my life at home. But with this “free time” came an unbridled pressure I was not expecting. I started experiencing a stifling sense of anxiety because the more I tried to write the less I wrote. In fact, I didn’t write anything because I was too busy freaking out that I wasn’t writing anything. I felt the pressure to produce when there’s no real pressure outside of my own head. It took me back to when I had that airport panic attack because I kept thinking “you should be able to get over this.” It was awful.

However, what I did this past weekend helped tremendously, and that was nothing particularly “productive.” Meaning, I allowed myself to rest and not fret over it. And it wasn’t easy. But I read a lot, napped some, listened to the rain, binge watched The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (cute) and Drag Becomes Him (inspiring documentary on drag and Jinkx Monsoon), trolled the internet, I forgave myself for not going to yoga because the weather aggravated my arthritis, and cleaned up my home (long, long, long overdue).

1. The Most Dangerous Game by Richard Connell — The story of a big game hunter finding himself stranded on an island and becoming the hunted.

2. The Last Question by Isaac Asimov — A question is posed to a supercomputer that does not get answered until the end days of man.

3. The Last Answer by Isaac Asimov — A man passes away and has a conversation with the Voice in the afterlife.

4. The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman — A collection of journal entries written by a woman whose physician husband has confined her to the upstairs bedroom of the house.

5. The Lottery by Shirley Jackson — The story of one small town’s ritual know only as “the lottery.”

6. Hills Like White Elephants by Ernest Hemingway — A couple has a tension-filled conversation at a train station in Spain.

7. All Summer in a Day by Ray Bradbury — A group of schoolchildren live on Venus where the Sun is visible for only two hours every seven years.

8. Harrison Bergeron by Kurt Vonnegut — It is the year 2081, and all Americans are equal in every possible way.

9. The Monkey by Stephen King — The story of a cymbal-banging monkey toy that controls the lives around it.

a) The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas by Ursula K. LeGuin

b) Everyday Use by Alice Walker

c) Why I Live at the P.O. by Eudora Welty

d) Recitatif by Toni Morrison

e) Brownies by ZZ Packer

f) A Pair of Tickets by Amy Tan