barleys in the wind again

who camps out deep

inside the pits of my stomach

he has been here for as long as

i can remember

his name is guilt

and he keeps me up most nights ; especially

those in which i spent all day filling my body with laughter

he doesn't want me to forget he's there

so he pushes the laughter and the butterflies and the good foods

all the way up and out of my throat

until he is the only thing left, he loves to come out and visit before i sleep

he tucks my hair behind my ear and reminds me

of every time ive been a disappointment,

he tells me stories of all of the people before who could not

love past the guilt

he tells me no matter how good i am now

the fight i have is not enough, the love that pours from my fingertips is not enough because i

have so much to be guilty for

it said something about

fuck-

it was something about;

about falling in love

or finding a soulmate

or meeting a twin flame

and then it was something about;

the way you looked at me

the first time you kissed me and

then maybe it was something about

the first time we fucked ; and

something- something -

about the way you own my

entire soul

and the way you didn't even

have to try

and something about raw

dirty unfiltered unwavering feelings of

animalistic lust or

something about the orgasms

and

something something

the rabbit runs through the woods

it's heart beating

out of its little chest

two-

the breath of the bloodhound

rushes behind the rabbit

he needs her

he begs and pleads for a meal

three-

the rabbit slows down

what is her purpose if not to give

the sweet canine

his sustenance

four-

she felt as though she was in eternal slumber

until this chase;

she stops

in her tracks

until he reaches her

pleading with her

he's been so hungry for so long

five-

he approaches

snarling

showing the teeth

as if to say "i need you,

your scent is intoxicating"

she closes her eyes and feels his teeth

sink into her neck,

poor little rabbit

[beep]

i thought of you today

again

your bright blue eyes in the sunlight

the way you’d tap

your fingers on the steering wheel

to the beat of my favorite songs

the way

you’d stare at me-

as we drive over the bridge and i turn to

look away from the water

and i’d see you

and laugh out a “look at the road dummy!”

and you’d smile that

crooked smile

and i’d think to myself

“god now’s the time i have to tell you that i re-“

of lukewarm water

and we will talk

and share music

and once all of the bubbles

in your bath

dissipate

i’ll lead you to bed-

wrap you in

my arms

and remind you

to take a breath in

you’re okay-

and breathe out.

it’s monday morning

the grounds are icy

in the song that plays on shuffle

that you heard me sing in the kitchen over and over

i will live on

in every flower you stop to

take a picture of because the memory of my

excitement over every little thing

is etched into your brain

and when the sun shines through at 6 am

when you wake up on a random tuesday morning

and somehow you're certain you smelled my perfume

or heard me getting ready in your bathroom

i hope the feeling of my body

dances on your fingertips

where you brush over that

empty spot in your bed