Incorrect BarkGate Quotes & Headcannons

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Leslie: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me! April: Even more humiliating than- Leslie: Let’s not do this.

Man, talking to friends on the street: No one is perfect. Jen, walking past him: My wife is.

*Cake By The Ocean playing* Leslie: Oh, I love this song! Jen: Yeah. Not bad for a song about beach sex. Leslie: *chokes* IT’S ABOUT SEX? Donna: WHAT DID YOU THINK IT WAS ABOUT? Leslie: CAKE!

Jen: Babe, come over. April: Can’t. I’m having an existential crisis. Jen: No one is home. April: Are any of us ever really, truly home?

April: Just go back to bed, you’re clearly sick. Jen, barely able to see straight, swaying on her feet: Yeah, lovesick. April: April: Just go lay down.

April: You can’t come in! Jen: Why not? April: Because, uh, Tom's is naked… Tom: What?!? April: Well, I couldn’t tell her I was naked. She’s allowed to see me naked. Tom: Why does anyone have to be naked?! Jen: *Bursts through the door*

Leslie: You’re smiling, did something good happen? Jen: Can’t I just smile because I feel like it? Donna: Andy tripped and fell in the hallway.

Jen: So what time does the friendship express arrive? April: Leslie gets here at noon.

Jen: I never brag. Leslie: You once called your face “proof of God’s existence” April, whispering: Well, she’s got that right.

Drunk Jen, pointing at April: *proud* That’s my girlfriend, suckers! April: Your wife, Jen. Jen: *Even more proud* My wife! Even better!

April: Jen’s out of town for a few days, so while she’s gone I’m going to cut the sleeves off of all my shirts. Donna: Why?? April: She’s pretty much 90 percent of my impulse control.

Leslie: When you meet someone for the first time and it’s new and exciting. You know that rush? Ben: No. No, see, when I first meet somebody it’s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.

Leslie: Sorry, lost my cool for a second. April: Can’t lose something you never had.

Jen: I am this close to losing it! April: Weird, it almost looks like your fingers are touching.