[Audience cheering. Theme music plays.]
Jerry Springer: Welcome to the show! Today we have a consulting detective, his best friend, and the wife who’s been keeping more secrets than either of them. Please welcome Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, and Mary Watson!
[Audience applauds. Sherlock looks annoyed. John looks uncomfortable. Mary smiles politely.]
Jerry: Sherlock, why are you here?
Sherlock: Because my brother made me choose between this and therapy. I weighed my odds and thought this was the lesser of two evils.
Jerry: John, what’s the biggest problem in your friendship with Sherlock?
John: Well he did pretend to be dead for two years, that will put a damper on any kind of relationship.
Sherlock: You are still holding on to that? I came back months ago.
Jerry: Mary, you’ve had some secrets too.
Jerry: Former assassin. Fake identities. International operations.
Mary: When you say it like that, I sound kind of cool.
Mary: In my defense, I aimed carefully.
Sherlock: She did. It was very well done. Quite professional.
Jerry: Hold on. You got shot by your best friend’s wife and you’re complimenting her?
Sherlock: Competence should be acknowledged in all its forms.
Jerry: John, who causes you more stress?
Jerry: Final question for John, who do you love more … Sherlock or Mary?
[John throws a chair and runs off stage. Audience starts chanting “Jerry! Jerry!]
Jerry: Well, we’ve learned that friendship, marriage, and detective work are all complicated. And between that complication we might solve something bigger than crimes… our love for one another. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.
Sherlock: You only say that since the television network wants you to sound compassionate while they actively encourage scandal and shock value, potentially ruining people’s lies and familial relationships.
[Jerry mimes to the camera to cut the feed and muffled sounds of a detective being strangled while the credits roll and the audience applauds.]
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