[Audience cheering. Theme music plays.]
Jerry Springer: Welcome to the show! Today we have a consulting detective, his best friend, and the wife whoās been keeping more secrets than either of them. Please welcome Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, and Mary Watson!
[Audience applauds. Sherlock looks annoyed. John looks uncomfortable. Mary smiles politely.]
Jerry: Sherlock, why are you here?
Sherlock: Because my brother made me choose between this and therapy. I weighed my odds and thought this was the lesser of two evils.
Jerry: John, whatās the biggest problem in your friendship with Sherlock?
John: Well he did pretend to be dead for two years, that will put a damper on any kind of relationship.
Sherlock: You are still holding on to that? I came back months ago.
Jerry: Mary, youāve had some secrets too.
Jerry: Former assassin. Fake identities. International operations.
Mary: When you say it like that, I sound kind of cool.
Mary: In my defense, I aimed carefully.
Sherlock: She did. It was very well done. Quite professional.
Jerry: Hold on. You got shot by your best friendās wife and youāre complimenting her?
Sherlock: Competence should be acknowledged in all its forms.
Jerry: John, who causes you more stress?
Jerry: Final question for John, who do you love more ā¦ Sherlock or Mary?
[John throws a chair and runs off stage. Audience starts chanting āJerry! Jerry!]
Jerry: Well, weāve learned that friendship, marriage, and detective work are all complicated. And between that complication we might solve something bigger than crimesā¦ our love for one another. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.
Sherlock: You only say that since the television network wants you to sound compassionate while they actively encourage scandal and shock value, potentially ruining peopleās lies and familial relationships.
[Jerry mimes to the camera to cut the feed and muffled sounds of a detective being strangled while the credits roll and the audience applauds.]
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