What's Poppin'

Monday Blues Continued....

The streets were flooded, the aftermath of the rain has not only dampened the streets but also the mood of people in the city who just wanted to see the sun again. Youngjae heard that it was going to rain all week and knew he will do nothing with this constant rain.

 Youngjae frowned when his shoes squeaked for the tenth time in a row. His socks were soaked and most of the right side of the jeans drenched I was all thanks to Junhong. 

The tall man thought it would be fun to jump into all the puddles that soaked up the sidewalk. Just imagine it, a six-foot fool jumping in puddles like a kid who hasn’t seen rain in months.

“Would you stop jumping!” Youngjae pulled Junhong’s sleeve. His black jacket. was practically drenched, as much as his designers pants, shoes, well everything. Junhong laughed and continued to jump, with no care in the world. “Oh, to be rich,” Young Jae thought to himself as he pulled into his warm gray raincoat,

A mother right next to them who was trying to take her child to school glared at the tall overgrown child. Junhong had just wet her when he jumped onto the puddle in front of them. Youngjae was used to people either glaring at them or just staring. Junhongis an attractive man, and people usually glared at him whenever Junhong was around. Youngjae just shrugs it off, jealousy is so petty. Junhong clung onto him as the lady’s glare made Junhong whimper but barely madeYoungjae flinch.

“She’s mean,” Junhong whispered onto Youngjae’s ear.

“Your just annoying!” Youngjae swatted Junhond face away from his. 

Junhong is great if you ignored his annoying tendencies like jumping in puddles, or beatboxing in the grocery out of the blue when Youngjae just wanted to buy chips, or start breakdancing as he walked (he always does this) or just asked the stupidest questions like; do dogs laugh and if they do what does humor mean to them?  But this helps Youngjae keep his mind off the turmoil in his head. 

Junhong laughed and winked at Youngjae.

He still could believe that he had agreed to meet with Daehyun after all,

“I cannot believe you agreed to meet with Daehyun,” Junhong said as he hooked his arm with Youngjae. Junhong leaned close to to the shivering friend with a worried gaze.

“Shut up.” Youngjae said frowning instead of saying, “Shit I don’t KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!?!?!?!”

But his face gave it away.

“Does anyone?” Junhong asked lifting his brow.

Youngjae glared at his friend making him shut up. Youngjae wanted to 

He has been doing that a lot, lately, he kept to himself. For Youngjae nothing mattered much anymore. He hardly had the motivation to go to work, but he needed to pay bills plus he actually liked his students. If it wasn’t for Junhong’s constant pestering he would never go out. Junhong is a good friend, but Youngjae will never tell him that.

“You know the second it gets weird just raise your hand like you are about to sneeze, look like this--look-- you are not looking--good--and I will be there in a flash,” Junhong grinned waving his free hand around even if Youngjae wasn't really looking.

“I did not ask you to come,” Youngjae said but was grateful. Junhong just showed up that morning shouting in front of his door like every morning that past week.

Earlier that morning:

“Youngjae!” Junhong knocked on Youngjae's front door.

“Hellooo?” He continued.

“I miss you let's hang out,”  Junhong shouted.

“No,”  Youngjae mumbled into his pillow.

“I’m here already.”  the knocking started again.

“No,”  Youngjae groaned.

“Come on let me in!!”

“Go AWAY!” Youngjae shouted.

“But hyung it’s cold out here and dark!”  Junhong whined.

“It’s not my fault you are out there,”  Youngjae shouted back

“HYUNG!”

“IT’S FUCKING SIX IN THE MORING”

“LET ME IN!”

It went on like that for a couple more minutes until the neighbors complained and Youngjae had to let Junhong in. He looked at the young man who was grinning from ear to ear and shook his head. There was no way he was going to win.

“Good morning!” Junhong hugged Youngjae.

Youngjae decided to ignore Junhong and walked back to his room, “I’m was going back to bed to sleep.”.

Junhong being Junhong happily followed him.

“Get off my bed”, His face was already on his pillow. Sleep was calling hm

“No, it’s fluffy.”  Junhong got under the covers and snuggled next toYoungjae who sighed loudly but didn’t have the strength to push his friend away. This wasn’t Junhong first “sleepover”  and Junhong was just a very affectionate person, Youngjae was forced to get used to it since was the total opposite.

“Just kill me now,” Youngjae grumbled.

“That’s for later hyung,” Junhong laughed at Youngjae exasperated face.

Youngjae groaned turning to his friend who could help to smile at his misery, “I just want to sleep.”

“That’s all that you have been doing lately, it's not healthy.” Junhong brushed Youngjae hair off his forehead.

They had gotten closer these past weeks, maybe it was because he had pushed everyone else away and Junhong was the only one who didn’t mind to his frigid character.

“I have to meet Daehyun today,” Youngjae managed to whisper out.

“What, why?” Junhong visibly flinched, he didn’t like Daehyun even though they haven’t met, “Youngjae, you are only going to get let down again.”

“Don’t start Junhong,” Youngjae grumbled.

“He is an asshole, he has been ignoring you. He hasn’t even talked to you in months!” Junhong growled, “he doesn't’ deserve you.”

“He is my best friend.”

“He isn’t acting like one,”

“Junhong please.”

Junhong frowned, and wrapped arms around his friend and pulled him close even though Youngjae complained, “ I don’t want to see you sad anymore.”

Grumbling Youngjae nodded letting Junhong warmth soothe him back to sleep. He missed Daehyun so much. It felt as if a part of him was gone. Nothing felt right anymore. Youngjae fell asleep in the middle of the argument and woke up to Daehyun’s phone call.  Shit, he was late.

Youngjae thought to himself, ”I did not know why Junhong bothers to keep up with me...” It is as if he knew when and where to be at all time.

He did not understand why Junhong would want to hang out with him. 

How they met was a coincidence, both were being interviewed on the local radio station, Youngjae came in to talk about his latest book. And Junhong, well Junhong is an internationally acclaimed model. Youngjae never heard of him, but one glance at his long body, perfect skin, and innocent face (but don’t let that fool you) Youngjae knew that he deserved all the fame he had. But Youngjae did not expect the model to get so attached to him.

 The first thing that Junhong said to him was, “Do you believe in love at first sight, cuz now I do.” At that same moment, Youngjae decided to ignore the model, but that proved to be an impossible task.

-----

Things were looking bleak with no sleep, wet socks, and he was late.

“I know, I just wanted to come, for like support.” Junhong grinned wider.

Youngjae grumbled, “Wait here.”

Youngjae walked in the cafe, it was not that busy the rain had been persistent all morning. The smell of coffee and bread filled the air, making Youngjae feel at ease, not that he was nervous. Youngjae was never nervous ( that was a lie but Youngjae lied to himself a lot). But the second his eyes met Daehyun’s his stomach hit the floor, it felt if someone was scratching his insides and that made him feel like he was going to vomit. Fight or flight instinct was acting up and he felt like running.

“Nonononono, I can’t do this,” Youngjae screamed internally eyed the door, “fuck, Junhong where are you?”

“Youngjae!” Daehyun quickly got up and hugged Youngjae, who stood there awkwardly.

“ Hi.” Youngjae finally hugged him back. Too late, no turning back now.

“Come, come, I already ordered, I got your favorite, French toast right?” Daehyun asked, speaking quickly, “And coffee, or course, still don’t know why you put no sugar on it, that’s just gross. Like how can you drink it like that, it--”

“You put that much sugar on yours.” Youngjae cringed, good, just act like usual, criticize his every move. 

Daehyun laughed, but it seems forced, Youngjae nodded to himself they were both nervous, this was off, they friendship was fucked. “Good job Youngjae you fucked up the only good thing in your life,” he thought to himself.

They settled down, and the food luckily got there just as Youngjae took the first sip of his coffee.

Daehyun like always stuffed his face  with pancakes and coffee making Youngjae impatiently wait for the ‘talk.”

Youngjae pushed his food around not really eating it.

“I miss coming here,” Daehyun said between bites not really looking up at Youngjae yet.

“Yeah,” Youngjae said, not really looking at Daehyun either. The food was usually good but today it tasted bland. Youngjae stomach was hurt and his palms were sweaty, he sensed nothing good was going to come out of this conversation.

Daehyun kept eating forcefully avoiding Youngjae’s gaze.

“Daehyun what do you want to talk about?” Youngjae asked frustrated with Daehyun prolonged silence.

The the other stop between chews, he paused ad weakly smiled.

“Why did you drag me out here if you had nothing to say.” Youngjae said, “This is a waste of time.” Youngjae didn’t mean that, but he was mad, frustrated and utterly scared.

Daehyun flinched at that and frowned. DAehyun looked around trying to come up with words.

The guilt made Youngjae look down at this coffee mug.

“I know we haven't’ kept up much, your band is getting pretty popular.” Youngjae tried again, “we” was Daehyun’s fault, he had avoided Youngjae at all costs. Youngjae had the right to be bitter.

“Yeah,” Daehyun paused and took a deep breath, “Youngjae, when I told you I miss you, I meant it.”

“I know.” Youngjae sighed, he missed him too and a lot.

“I miss us, just hanging out like old times,” Daehyun mumbled.

“Hmm,” Youngjae agreed, now all his time was with wallowing in his own misery and with Junhong.

“What you told me,” Daehyun started, making Youngjae looked up, “it doesn’t change things, because, well…” Daehyun took a deep break, “ Because, because I feel the same way.” Daehyun nearly whispered.

Youngjae's eyes grew wide, he couldn’t speak.

“Then why haven’t you talked to me, why have you been avoiding me? Why haven't you answered my calls? Why--”

“I’m sorry, I just had to think, I had to take time for myself, and just think.”

“Well that is pretty selfish, here I was thinking I fucked up. I thought that you hated me, I was constantly thinking of ways to make it up to you,” Youngjae looked out the window trying to look at anything then at Daehyun, his anger always gets the better of him, “Real smooth Daehyun, real fucking smooth.”

“It is difficult for me,”

“You don’t think it was difficult for me? I told you that I loved you and you just left me, without saying anything, how do you think that made me feel? Youngjae closed his eyes ‘ don’t cry, don’t cry, don't cry’ he told himself.

“You already know that about me,” Daehyun defended, “ Youngjae, I just had to take a time to think for myself, I can’t just jump into things just liked that.”

“Jump into the thing just like that?” Youngjae nearly shouted he took a deep breath trying to calm himself, “I wasn’t asking you to have sex with me!”

“Shh, Youngjae are being too loud!” Daehyun panicked.

“And you’re being a dick,” Youngjae said.

“Youngjae, what you said, it changes our relationship.” Daehyun tried to take control of the conversation

“What? You just said it doesn't change anything?” Youngjae said.

“I mean it does but it doesn't I feel the same, and it changes because there is  more that we can talk about.” Daehyun placed his hand over Youngjae's on the table, trying to sooth the younger one. But it wasn’t working, Youngjae was disappointed, why was Daehyun being so selfish?

Youngjae glared at him.

“You know I’m not good at this, words don’t come to me that easy. I never thought that you would feel the same way but, I know what I feel for you is something I haven’t been able to forget, and that night you told me, I was so shocked. You know that you finally said what I wanted to hear. I guess I couldn’t handle it until, it just hit me the other day that I maybe I can do it, maybe we can make this work!” Daehyun said excitedly.

“Maybe? Why do you say that?” Youngjae looked at Daehyun’s memorizing eyes, “You think this will be a fling for me?”

“No, of course not. I know you.” Daehyun grinned, “It’s you, you're it.”

Youngjae opens his mouth but no words came out.

“I love you Youngjae.”  Daehyun squished his hand.

“Youngjae felt his face burned red, and there was the sensation in his stomach again, the ripping became a soothing butterflies fluttering, Youngjae couldn’t help but to smile, this was what he wanted to hear.

“Really?” Youngjae whispered.

“Of course.” Daehyun laughed, “I love you, I always have. I have just been dense.”

Youngjae looked at three hands and couldn't help to smile more, he looked up at Daehyun who smiled back.

The door bell jingling as customers came in the cafe, they walked near the couple making Daehyun retract his hand from Youngjae’s.  

Youngjae tried to meet Daehyun’s eyes yet the older male looked away.

“What’s wrong?” Youngjae asked worriedly.

“You love me right?” Daehyun whispered as if not believing Youngjae.

“Yeah, I love you Daehyun” It felt nice finally being able to say it freely.

He smiled, “Would you do anything for me?”

Youngjae rolled his eyes, “You know that already. I will do anything for you, idiot.”

Daehyun laughed.

“That’s why I love you,” Daehyun smiled, “You act like you don't care about anyone, but yet you are so selfless.”

“I’m not,” Youngjae mumbled.

“Stop being so self-deprecating Youngjae.”

“I’m not.”

“Youngjae.”

“I honestly don't know why you love someone like me.”

“Because you are, you”

Youngjae rolled his eyes and laughed, cheesy.

Daehyun took a deep breath, “Youngjae, what I am going to ask you is, a lot but I know we can make this work because we love each other. I would do anything for you. That is why I didn’t want to give up. I needed to find a way.”

Youngjae inched close, “What is it?”

What was the thing that kept Daehyun from him? What was the thing that he needed to figure out?

“Can we keep this a secret?”  Daehyun asked.

Youngjae took a deep breath, he felt himself go numb.

“ I know, it is just that I might make it, my band, it is getting so popular what if my fans find out I'm… “ Daehyun couldn’t finish the sentence.

“Gay.” Youngjae deadpanned.

“Shhh.”Daehyun paled,  “Please, people --”

“People might hear?”  Youngjae frowned. Of course, this was too good to be true.

“I mean we come here all the time, they know we are best friends so they wouldn’t think anything but that we are just friends but anyone else...would..it’s not something I want people to know especially my fans,”  Daehyun explained not knowing how much that hurt Youngjae.

“I can’t believe this,” Youngjae mumbled.

“It will be easy,” Daehyun said, “It will be like acting, you were really good at that one play in college.”

“I can’t just act like we are not dating in front of our friends!” Youngjae chest was hurting now too, he felt his body just ready to shut down on him.

“But you said you loved me.” Daehyun whispered, “that you would do anything for me. And I want to be with you but this is the only way.”

“I do love you but,”

“Please do this for me, please, I am not ready to tell my fans, my friend, my boss --I can't do that, not now,”  Daehyun explained.

“Everyone knows I am gay,” Youngjae said, “they won’t push you out, if they accept me then they will accept you.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I do.”

“It’s because you don’t hear them!” Daehyun said, “the way they talk about you and those people.”

“Those people?”

“Youngjae you won’t understand.”

Youngjae looked down,  he felt like his chest was about to burst open, he bit his lip trying to hold the sob that was stuck in his throat. He going to burst at any moment. 

He couldn't believe it Daehyun loved him, but did he really? He was too ashamed to let his fans know.  Youngjae felt tears in his eyes, fuck no, not now. Youngjae bends his head trying to hide from Daehyun. He still could hear the awful things Daehyun was saying, he didn’t want to anymore, he felt he was just going to be even more disappointed and heartbroken. He lifted his hand trying to cover his face or his tears.

“Youngjae you said that you would do anything for me.” Daehyun sounded upset.

Youngjae lifted his head to look at the man who continuously broke his heart. “You selfish fuck, what are we just going to sneak around everywhere, hold hands only when no one is around, see how other people fawn at you and  watch you flirt with other girls?” Youngjae laughed, “You already do that, and that fucking hurts, it will only get worse if we do this.”

“But I love you,”

“No, you don’t”  

“Youngjae please---”

“If it isn’t Yoo Youngjae!” Junhong appeared out of nowhere, “I haven’t seen you since last that magical night, why haven’t you called?” Junhyung asked and he leaned in close. 

 Daehyun and Youngjae sat there agape turning to face the tall man.

“I must have forgotten,” Youngjae quickly recovered.

“Oh, how you break my poor heart,” Junhong smirked.

“Who are you?” Daehyun looked between the tall man and Youngjae.

“Junhong,” Youngjae said, looking at the teen quickly, shit he had forgotten about the sign.

“Look we are busy, now---”

“I missed you,” Junhong bent down, caressed Youngjae's face, lightly. Making Youngjae blush, fuck you Junhong and your fucking confidence and perfect face.

“It’s nice to see you,” Youngjae said and actually meant it making the tall male smirk. 

Junhong looked at him with so much love, Youngjae could feel himself squirm under his gaze. His eyes looked so bright, it was different than Daehyun’s, his wasn’t as bright. Junhong looked at him with so much warmth that it was overwhelming, Youngjae lost himself in those warm brown eyes finding the comfort that he desperately needed. 

Youngjae couldn't help but smile at Junhong when the younger male smiled at him. He had a tiny little dimple on the right side of his cheek, why hasn’t he noticed that before? 

Junhong and Youngjae leaned onto each other, feeding on each others warmth, Youngjae felt Junhong tilt his head, slightly with his hand making his heart speed up.  Before he could process anything he felt Junhong's lips on his making his mind go blank. Junhong lips were so soft and so inviting it only made Youngjae forgot how to breathe, making it hard to concentrate on anything at all.

This was not supposed to happen. Slowly recovering from that kiss, Youngjae took a couple of deep breaths. He felt shivers, and couldn't take his gaze off Junhong’s lips.

“You know I have a photoshoot in a couple of hours, I was wondering if you would like to join me before I go to work?” Junhong hand was still caressing Youngjae face, Youngjae squeaked, actually squeaked, what Junhong always this smooth? Fuck him.

“Youngjae,”

That finally snapped him back to reality, Daehyun looked shellshocked, “What is this?”

“Sweetheart, I ain't’ got all day,” Junhong purred in Youngjae’s eye. 

He was stuck between the sword and the wall, there was no way out.

This was it. Youngjae thought to himself. He saw the betrayal in Daehyun’s eyes, he could easily clear it up with Daehyun, but did he want to? Was it worth it? 

Yes, he loved Daehyun, but did Daehyun love him the same? Youngjae knew that in love someone always loves the other person more. It was never balanced, love was never fair.

 Maybe Youngjae will always love Daehyun, more than he will ever love Youngjae.  Daehyun always had everything easily handed to him easily, he expected to get love so easily that he didn’t realize what he was doing.  Youngjae wasn’t perfect either, but he couldn't be in the shadows, waiting for Daehyun, always waiting for him.

He just wanted to be loved.  And the only person who loved him was Junhong. The only person who is willing to sacrifice everything for him. 

What was wrong with him? He wasn’t willing to sacrifice himself for Daehyun, so why would he allow anyone else do that for him?

“ Junhong, stop.” Youngjae pulled away from the younger male, “I can’t be who you want me to be.”

Junhong tried to protest but couldn’t come up with the right words. 

Youngjae faced Daehyun for the last time.

“ And I….I can’t be with someone who is ashamed of  being with me.” Youngjae got up and walked out the door, without looking back. Oh, way to fuck u big time, not only he lost Daehyun but Junhong too. Why did he let himself get so involved with Junhong? And how did it happen? 

Nearly tripping over his own feet as he ran in the freezing rain Youngjae finally  let himself cry.  

“Youngjae wait…”

“Youngjae!”

Youngjae rushed ignoring his calls until a hand grabbed his shoulder stopping him.

“Youngjae, I’m so sorry, I fucked up. I am sorry. I was being selfish.”

“You were.” Youngjae lips trembled, but he didn't want to cry in front of him.

“I won’t do it again, I swear.”

Youngjae closed his eyes, he just wanted to go home.

“Please, Youngjae!”

Youngjae took a big breath, “Why did you?”

“I’m sorry I wasn't thinking straight when I saw that-- Youngjae you are getting drenched here,” the other male pulled them over a porch that barely covered them from the rain, they were squished, but Youngjae was used to being this close to him, it was almost natural now. Youngjae let his head fall onto his friend's chest.

“I’m so sorry, let me make it up to you.”

“I am not mad at you.”

“Hyung please look at me.”

Youngjae shook his head, as tears bubbled out of his eyes, why didn’t he come out for him? Why wasn't he here?   

The tall man looked so sad, his bright eyes downcast, looking back at Youngjae, he couldn’t handle this, he just wanted Junhong to be happy again. His heart hurt seeing his friend like this. He hated feeling like this, he hated Daehyun’s selfishness.

“I hate him.”

“No, you don’t.”

Youngjae finally looked up at his friend, tears in his eyes, “But I will and I hate that  the most, I’m losing him.”

Junhong hugged him, “ I’m here hyung, he can’t hurt you anymore.”

Young sniffled, but couldn’t think of anything else but of Daehyun. He hated himself more than anything and hated the fact that they couldn’t be with each other. Hated that he loved him. Hated that he was hurting Junhong too.

Junhong sighed, “I’m sorry I kissed you hyung, I was so mad. You looked so sad that I had to do something.”

Youngjae laughed but tears kept falling, “And kissing me had to be the only way?”

Junhong blushed, “Yeah, to make him realize that, he isn’t the only that can have you. To make him realize that you are precious to other people too. He thinks he can just keep you for his own. Fuck that.”

Youngjae sobbed, “I wish, that I loved you.”

There was a sad smile on Junhong face, “ You never know hyung, you just might, I am that great.”

Months ago a random an annoying yet handsome boy just kept intruding Youngjae’ life. “I think. No, I know, I have fallen in love with you!” Youngjae looked at the boy dead in the eyes, and said, “Junhong, love is for children, what you feel must be lust, now get out of my office, I have papers to grade.” 

That didn’t discourage the young man.   

That was just the start of a weird friendship where Junhong continued to visit Youngjae at work. He would flirt and mess with the old grumpy professor, not ever swaying or giving up on his love quest.

“You took advantage of me you fucker.” Youngjae hugged Junhong.

“Don’t say you didn’t like it,” Junhong hugged him with the same intensity, both were terrified but grateful to have each other.

“Shut up,”

“Come on hyung let's go, I have this new game I have been dying to buy.” Junhong brushed Youngjae’s  hair off his face, making the older male glare at him.

“Don’t you have to go to work?” Youngjae sighed.

“Oh yeah--I made that up--come on, will you come with me? Let’s explore the city,” Junhong smiled teasingly.

“No,”

“Please.”

“I have papers to grade, lectures to prepare,” Youngjae just wanted to go home and sleep, and maybe die.

“You really think I am going to leave you alone, you can barely stand on your own,”

True and true, Youngjae sighed, Junhong was too good to him.

“No--fine…” Youngjae sighed, and, “Thanks, Junhong”

“Anytime hyung.”

You were always there and fitted into my life like you were always meant to be there, I guess I never thought that you were going to leave.  You were too good to me that I grew selfish, I asked for too much, and pushed you away. You were busy with your career then and I was busy with my own work. I could see we had grown apart. But I still loved you, and still love you.

When did our this love grow so cold?  Remember how we first met, you were struggling with your English class and were forced to go to the tutoring agency on campus. I was lucky enough, I guess, to be your tutor.

You were a total idiot, still are.

“Shit, I really need your help, or I am going to flunk this class.” You walk in the room throwing a pile of papers onto the table.

“Okay,”  I sighed, and reach down his mess, and I picked up a sheet, “Daehyun?”

“Yeah,” You smiled, brightly, you little shit.

You are a terrible writer, still, and I don’t know how you manage to write your lyrics, and still wonder about that.

“I don’t know how you got into college” I crossed my arms.

You just stared at me for a long time and threw yourself onto the nearest chair shrugging, “Well I already know that. So let’s get started, yeah?”

Of course, you passed your class, or we wouldn’t be in this mess. You just kept coming back, and  wouldn’t work with anyone else.  You always talked too much. Even after work, you would walk with me to the library, talking about nothing yet about everything. You talked about your passions, school, work, anything. You always had something to say, and I always listened even though I pretended to ignore you.

“What do you want?” I asked exasperated on night at the library

You shrugged.

“I have actual work to do,”  I grumbled.

“Yeah, but I really need to tell you something!” You whined, “It’s real quick, I promise.”

“No”

“Ugh. Fine, I’ll wait.”

You just sat there next to me messing with your phone at the library for hours. Always waiting for me.  Why?

It surprised you when I would show up your shows. I always came to them, you know. I never missed one. I had to listen to your stupid band no matter how much I said I hated it.  You know I lied about that, I didn’t want to tell you how talented you are. It will go to your head. I know you, plus you would never let me live it down.

“You came!” You would always shout excitedly and give me the biggest hugs.

And I just shrugged awkwardly.  

I think the best times were when we explored the city together. You would always whine to me, and pull me away from my studying.  You always found me in whichever cafe I decided to go study that day.

You would sit right across from me, lay your head on your arms right on top of the sticky tables and whine until you got your way.  It was pretty cute.

You showed me parts of the city I never knew were there, you took me to your friend’s shows, art galleries,  and  museums. I met so many people because of you, I have forgotten all their names but their faces will be plastered onto my memories forever.

I still find people who know me by name asking for you, but what do I tell them now?  

Your friends always asked.

“Are you together?”

“I wish.” You laughed, “Youngjae’s my best friend.”

Well, that hurt. It always did, but I hoped that it developed into something else. I thought you were too shy to ask me out. Or maybe our time had passed.

There’s this emptiness I cannot fill right in the center of my chest, at times it is so painful I can barely breathe.

The pain means that I still love you, the numbness means that I have lost you forever.  I am so scared of living in the world without your love. Just the thought of walking down the same streets without you in my mind is unsettling. That feeling that I had with you made my day warmer, it was as if I walk down the streets in spring.

Now I’m freezing.

My sun is gone.

Remember what I told you?

“You are like the sun.”

“I am?” You smiled, “Why?”

I  blushed and shrugged, but you never took that as an answer.

“Everyone follows you, you’re so fun to be with, that…” I shrugged again, “you’re it.”

You got busier, your band got more shows, and you went on tours more often than not. I finally got accepted into my Ph.D. program and my nights were full of work.  Soon we only saw each other when we happened to run into each other on the street or at your shows.

You would always try to hang out,  make me go see you and your new friends.

At one point I realized I didn’t know what you were talking about. We had grown so apart that I was scared, why did you still talk to me?  Do you still think about me?

I saw the people you would hang out with, they were full of life, people who had traveled the world, with stories to tell. I didn’t belong, I realized I never did.

I still member the night I confessed to you. It was after your show, I was so happy for you, it was one of the biggest events, your show sold out. Everyone was there, we were in your apartment “the after party” and we managed to sneak off to your room

We both fell onto your bed laughing,

“I can’t believe so many people showed up!”

“I guess everyone just loves your stupid voice.”

We both laughed.

“Hey, I am really proud of you.”

“So am I, I mean now you are a doctor.”

“Shut up and let me speak for once.”

You laugh and nod. And we continued to talk about nothing. And out of nowhere I just told you.

“Daehyun, I love you.”

“I know, I love you too.”

“I’m serious.”

“Me too.” You laughed.

“Shut up, Daehyun I fucking love you ,okay?” I shouted.

I was so scared, why did I have to tell you.

And you stayed there quiet with nothing to say. Later, I blame it on the drinks and the excitement of the night, but we both knew that was a lie. Did you ever love me? Or was this all one-sided, why would you take me out and show me your world if it didn’t mean anything? I’m so selfish. And if it was just out of friendship why did you stop talking to me? You said you cared, but you never really did. It has been months since I last saw you.

But I ran into you yesterday and you said

“Believe me this hurts me too.”

I couldn’t say anything.

“Youngjae, I miss you.”

All I could think of saying was “Fuck you.”

You looked the same, but the brightness that you always had was gone. Are you sick?

I hate that I still worry for you.  Himchan called me later that day saying that you wanted to talk to me. I told him the same thing I told you, fuck you.

I know you loved me at some point.  I felt it, I really did. But if it was out of fear that you didn’t pursue it I understand.  I will get over you some time, it will hurt. But I know it will be too soon, and I fear that so much, I miss loving you and I miss you.

——

Later that night….

*ring, ring*

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s been a while." 

 -Sigh- "What do you want?”

“Let’s meet….”

“……….”

“You know, I don’t take no for an answer.”

“Daehyun, I’m busy. I have a lot of papers to gra–”

“Tomorrow at 11:00 am the usual spot, ‘kay?”

“No, I can’t-hello? Daehyun? Daehyun-fucking idiot ugh!” Youngjae sighed and threw his phone. 

Tomorrow just another day, Youngjae thought to himself. Another day, but he wasn’t ready to face Daehyun. Will he ever be? Maybe he should pack up and leave for  Mexico, but that was the coward’s way out, he really needed to talk to him, Daehyun was his best friend after all.

Hi!

Admin Cee here. I don’t know if Admin White is still taking requests, but me and Admin Feathers are a little too busy to even write :( We both talk about writing weekly, but fanfic writing time is usually taken over by research paper writing, etc. 

I hope to start writing soon though! Then again I say this at least bi-monthly. 

“Ughh,”  Youngjae groaned as he moved in his tiny bed. The sun rays were coming in making it harder to fall back asleep. 

Groggily he slapped around his bed (hitting something squishy that he did not register at the moment) looking for his phone, once he found his phone he clicked the screen on seeing it was 7:58.

“Too early” Youngjae mumbled.

He had a pounding headache. Now he was regretting those five shots of tequila.

Scrolling through his phone he could see four messages. One was from his ex- boyfriend wanting to “talk.” And another one was from a new guy he met last nigh,  just saying “Hey ;)” 

Youngjae cringed, not bothering to look at the other messages from the other people he talked last night. One thing peak his curiosity.

He had a couple recorded message,  and of course it was from his best friend Himchan.

“--Youngjae! Where did you go?! I am waiting at--Jongup where are we?”

“Taqueria el Sol.”

“We are  at  Taqueria el Sol? El Sol, really? Oh Jonguppie look at that--”

“Do you think we can order that?”

“What’s it called--wait, Youngjae hurry up! We are in the line.”

“Wasn’t he with that one dude?”

“Oh! You mean Anthony? Oh Youngjae?!?! Really?”

“No wait I think he left with Zelo, Zelo was tired maybe they left together?”

“Jongup stop playing with my emotions!?”

“I don’t know, Zelo was tired  from work and wanted to leave early.” 

“Call him! YOUNGJAE ARE YOU GETTING LAID ALREADY? WHERE ARE YOU?”

“Can you turn that off?” Zelo groaned, next to him.

“What the fuck are you doing on my bed?” How did he not notice, Youngjae was squished against the wall. How could he not see a six foot tall kid on his bed.

“I didn’t want to climb the ladder to my bed.” Zelo groaned as he grabbed the rest of Youngjae's blanket leaving to shiver.

Youngjae groaned, Zelo literally could jump on his bunk. And now he was cold.

Youngjae was too nauseous to fight Zelo off his bed. Instead he just cuddled closer to his friend.

“Gay-”

“Shut the fuck up Zelo, you’re on my bed.”

3 hours later

 Freshly showered Zelo walked up to  a grumpy and nauseous Youngjae, who was still on the bed.

 “Aren’t you getting up?” Zelo asked

“Hungover, can’t move.” Youngjae cringed.

Zelo smirked, and started to kick the bed.

“Stop.” Youngjae whined.

The reason why he still lives with Zelo is a mystery. No he knew why, he is broke.

“I’m going to go see my friends at Union square wanna come with?” Zelo asked

“No.” Youngjae groaned.

Zelo paused, “Don’t stay on your bed all day.”

Youngjae smiled, “I’ll try.”

Zelo continue to kick the bed, “Come on Youngjae---”

Youngjae groaned, “Shhh…”

3:00pm

Finally showered and ignoring three calls from his ex boyfriend Youngjae was ready to go face the world.

 Just as Youngjae stepped out of the door he decided to wear his leather jacket today just to give himself an emotional boost. Leather Jackets make any outfit a 10.  

Once sitting in the busy cafe with a coffee and a muffin, he took out his laptop and a huge mess of notes.  

‘You can do this! But maybe I should start with a little bit of tumblr?’ Youngjae though to himself.

Thirty minutes later he decided to start his real work.

2 hours later

Youngjae groaned, he had nine pages on his research paper and still has a lot to say.

“You okay?”

Youngjae looked up to the male across his table, “ College sucks.”

The boy laughed,”True, just when you finish one assignment you have to start another one. Last week I turned in  the wrong assignments for all my classes.”

“Shit, that sounds so stressful.” Youngjae shook his head.

“You go to State?” The boy asked

“Yeah, you?” Youngjae sighed. He should have just gone to culinary school, he would have been stressed but he would always have food.

“Yeah, I’m studying music.”

“Really? Actually my roommates, Zelo super annoying, but that’s another story. So yeah, we went to a musical last week on campus it was great. I really don’t like musicals, but I was impressed there was this one guy who could hit all the high notes. Zelo was saying really inappropriate things which made it really hard to pay attention, ”

“What did he say?” 

 “You don’t want to know, I swear that kid may seem like an angel, but he isn’t.”

The boy smiled more, “But you liked the musical? Especially the lead singer?”

“Yeah!” Youngjae paused, “His voice was so captivating! I could hear the passion and the longing. I don’t know, I could feel the Julián’s pain, the emotion was all there,  it was really hot, I don’t give a fuck Zelo always give me so much shit about it.”

“I’m glad you liked it.” The cute boy smiled. Youngjae really liked his cute dimpled smile.

“Were you’re Julián Elías Gil Beltrán?” Youngjae asked, trying.

“Yeah,  I’m Julian .” The cute boy smirked.

“What?”  Youngjae turned red.

“Glad you liked it,” he laughed, “I was really nervous, I didn’t know if I connected with the audience.”

“You were amazing!” Youngjae mumbled.

‘Why can’t I just shut up?’ He asked himself.

The cute boy blushed and quickly changed the conversation, “What’s your major?”

“It’s not as interesting…” Youngjae paused, “I am studying art but I decided to minor in sociology, and now I have to write a research paper on Social Darwinism. I was trying to read Darwin's theory of evolution and how that connected with ideas of a better “race”  and genes which has lead to eugenics trends in the past. Also, I am trying to say that it society still perpetuating ideas of eugenics through new technologies, but people are renaming it liberal eugenics and saying that it is their freedom to choice--” Youngjae sighed, “Fuck, sorry.”

The cute boy laughed again, and smiled widely at Youngjae. 

Youngjae wanted to hear him laugh more, but the thing was he was too awkward to keep that conversation going. Youngjae wished he tired a little harder on his appearance, he probably looked like death. All that drinking the night before wasn’t helping right now.

Youngjae tried to smile back, but couldn't salvage his “nerd” spew (as Himchan calls it). Youngjae cringed at the prolonged silence.

“Well, my name is Daehyun, nice to meet you.” Daehyun smiled again.

“Youngjae, oh, likewise.” Youngjae looked back down at his notes, cringing at his own awkwardness.   

“Youngjae?

“Yeah?

“Wanna go grab something to eat?”

“Huh?”

“I noticed you've been here for a while,” Daeyun paused, “ And I know I can’t function without food, so there’s this good sandwich shop down the street wanna come?”

“Yeah?”

“Great! Let’s go I’m starving!” Daehyun grinned widely.

Youngjae’s phone buzzed.

 Youngjae quickly looked at it, it was HImchan

---Slut why haven’t you called me????---

Youngjae rolled his eyes.

“Ready?” Daehyun asked.

“Yeah.” Youngjae shrugged.

"I got a tattoo." Probably not the first thing he should have said, but, it was too late now.

"You did what?" JunHong is giving him the most confused, incredulous look, like he's committed some terrible crime, or sinned himself into Hell, or something of that sort.

"I got a tattoo," DaeHyun repeats, as if it isn't anything monumental at all. Really, it isn't. Yongguk had a bunch of them, so why was it such a big deal for him? Sure, it had hurt like Hell, because his dumb butt had decided to have the thing put on his wrist, but that was beside the point, wasn't it? JunHong seems rather puzzled for a moment, before sighing. At least he seemed to accept the idea.

Just wanted to put this here too in case anyone is thinking of reading this story. I’m putting the story of AFF >Here<  This is Rena and Jongup’s first date.

               Rena parked her car, a bright blue mazda 3, in front of Jongup’s house. She looked at her phone and saw he had responded to her when she had said she was on her way over.

        Jongup

                    Just got home from studio. Jumping in shower.

        ‘Damn… I should have checked before coming over,’ Rena started tugging at her hair in thought. She looked up at the house and noticed the kitchen lights on and even more nervousness over took her. ‘I knew I’d have to talk to his parents eventually… Just wish I wasn’t going to be alone when I did.’

        Rena turned off her car, knowing she had to go in and deal with the potentially awkward moment of talking to Jongup’s parents. Parents who had not only known her since she was in diapers but, had also been there when she had claimed she would marry Himchan only at the age of 5.

She took extra time to look herself over before walking in. She had her front bangs pulled back making a small poof while the rest of her milk chocolate brown hair was straightened. Her shoes were comfortable, red converse, and matched her fitted tank top which was tucked into her black skater style skirt that hung from her waist to her mid-thigh. It was a cold outfit for the breezy spring night but, inside the club it would be perfect, especially with Yongguk as the DJ.

Finally gaining her courage, she knocked on the front door. Jongup’s mother opened the door with a big smile.

“Rena! How lovely to see you. Please come in,” She hugged her tight and Rena’s nervousness diminished a little. It was an affect the Moon’s seemed to have over her. Mrs. Moon waved her in and immediately brought her into the kitchen where Jongup’s father was at the table on his laptop.

“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Moon. How has your day been?” Hearing the shower still running, Rena sat down at the table with them.

“Lots of students at the studio keeping us busy. We had to call Jongup in to help with the younger class,” Mr. Moon smiled happily. “Sorry if it is cutting into your date tonight.”

Rena laughed nervously, “It’s fine. Yongguk doesn’t start for another two hour.”

“How are things with you, dear?” Mrs. Moon asks.

“Alright. Decent grades and my job at the café is going better than I expected…” Rena fidgeted with her hair, twisting a strand with her fingers.

An awkward silence finally fell over the trio. It wasn’t a usual thing which made Rena feel guilty, as if she was hiding a truth from her parents. Seeing the adults’ exchanged glances, Rena knew it was more along the lines of confused parents wanting answers.

“I was surprised to hear the two of you were dating,” Mrs. Moon finally ended the suffering silence.

“He asked me out,” Rena blurted out as if shifting the blame to Jongup to save herself.

Mrs. Moon chuckled, an angelic noise, “You aren’t in trouble, Rena. We are just confused. He’s been hanging around with Layla quite a bit lately.”

“Last I heard you were dating Himchan,” Mr. Moon added.

“Ah,” Rena sighed, “We umm… it was complicated.”