TooDeep

You make me want to punch holes in the walls. I do what I want. I punched holes in the walls.

Last night, I dreamt that it was your graduation. That we haven't started talking again until May because you were done playing with him. That sweet moment when I see you walking out in that all gold everything outfit, graduating at the top of your class. Even if we don't talk, you still make me so proud. I'll be cheering for you in the crowd. You'll hear me, babe. After the usual speeches, names being called, and tassel switch, I was the first one that found you on the field. I made sure I greeted you with an enormous hug and to tell you how happy you make me, oh and congrats haha. After the long hug, the flowers, the deep stares into each others eyes, you already knew what came next. Probably the last kiss I would share with you because what follows is you telling me you are leaving to Columbia. The tears fell and your family came. You then walked through the gates and I never saw you again. Poof. Just like that, you're gone once again. I woke up and had to remember where I was. I didn't know to categorize that dream as a nightmare or a sweet dream.

Looking back, but I should really be looking forward. I like how you write all of these things now about me and talk about me to our mutual friends, but you would never express the way you felt about me, towards me. I would remember after the second year mark, things started to become more of a daily ritual than spending time with each other. It was like we were already an old couple. When you watch old couples compared to younger, newer couples, you can tell the difference. The older couples have a routine. They will eat with each other, but don’t have to talk. It’s not because they have nothing to talk about, but it’s more of the fact that they are use to having that significant other there and being comfortable with each other even without talking. Sometimes, the silence is golden. They go about their routine in separate ways, but they still fulfill the routine together. Whereas new couples always have to interact, and need an answer from each other. We were clearly that old couple. Sitting there and enjoying my meal and the company of an amazing girl. I guess I never thought of it that way until today. Having time on your own really does help. I use to think that something else was always on your mind when we would sit there in silence, but you’d still have a smile on your face. I’m thinking to myself, “why is she smiling? Who is she thinking about? I didn’t even say a word…” As foolish as it sounds, those were the thoughts going through my head. I’ve told you this a zillion times, I’m sorry for being so insecure. It never crossed my mind that you could have possibly been thinking the same things that was going through my head. For example, “wow, she looks so gorgeous even with that ketchup smear on her cheek.” I always wondered if you were thinking about me. Even if I was right by your side. If you were saying to yourself “gosh, what a great day with my baby” or “I’m so lucky.” I continuously thought about the negatives instead of the positives and it broke us apart. No matter how hard you tried, I kept pushing away. I honestly was split in two. Till this day, I still will never forget the first hand hold, the first hang out, the first kiss, and the first “I love you.” I understand now what you’ve been trying to tell me all along, but it’s too late. Maybe, we can share time again, somewhere, sometime in the near future. I’ll always love you.