goodbye

i first started roleplaying on facebook as kim jonghyun and surprisingly i received a lot of followers and friends. going on that account was hell because everybody wanted to talk to me and i literally had so many people trying to message me at once. i had over 500 friend requests, over 1,000 messages, and over 1,000 friends. it was so fucking hectic, that i left and began roleplaying at bang-rp with my best friends bang-kibummie and bang-jonghyun. for a while, i was happy because everything was just right. being onew was a new experience since i’ve always roleplayed as jonghyun. people had told me i was a really good jonghyun due to sharing the same zodiac sign w/ him, but i really didn’t see it. i was a bit out of my comfort zone, but i made onew me. and i believe that’s not a good thing since i should really roleplay as the real onew, but fuck it. i wanted onew to be a piece of me and him. that’s what made him bang-onew. i grew such a emotional connection to that account and i grew emotional and felt emotional to anything that happened to him. i was sad when his lover had to leave due to ooc stuff, i was sad when bang-jonghyun and him didn’t end up together, i was sad when all this shit happened to him because i felt like it was me hurting. but as time passed and as i grew a bit, i came to a point in my life where i had distinguished bang-onew and me as two different people. bang-onew wasn’t me fully, you know? he was a part of me, he was half of me, but he wasn’t me fully. the real person behind bang-onew didn’t had a lover named jonghyun, the real person behind bang-onew wasn’t in love with someone named jonghyun, the real person behind bang-onew wasn’t in a relationship during the time, or anything like that. bang-onew was me in a sense, but he wasn’t. and because of that, i felt apart of the roleplay world. not only that, i favored ooc more. once i befriended someone, i always wanted to talk to them ooc and that time would cross eventually where i didn’t consider them as bang-jonghyun or bang-kibummie or just whatever their muse was. i considered them as the person who was behind the screen. that’s where, i guess, i went wrong. i wasn’t doing my job. i just wanted the real person to talk to me, not jonghyun, kibum, minho, or etc. 

bang-onew became more and more nothing but a chore because i didn’t feel like i belonged truly anymore. i felt isolated to the core since my views were so different from others. annoyance, frustration, depression, and anger happened. friends began leaving due to their lost of interest of it all and i understood fully. i couldn’t roleplay anymore like that. i got a boyfriend, i fell in love, and i wanted to do different things on my own. it was that connection with bang-onew that i wanted to continue and convince myself, i was just a bit tired from devoting myself too much. too much of something is terrible, right? so i took hiatuses, eventually i returned but more hiatuses occurred. i was feeling upset because i didn’t want to give up something i used to love dearly and so i tried and tired and tired to the point roleplay was something i didn’t want to be associated with anymore. eventually, bang-onew was just on a long hiatus and hadn’t return for two months. i knew nobody would miss me, anyways. 

i tried some mini roleplay accounts associating with my favorite anime, but it really didn’t work. on top of that, some drama happened associating with roleplay and it made me revert from it much more. i was just in a confused state. i didn’t know what i want, truly. it was just blank for a while.

i joined thewicked-rp  as thewickedminho because all my other roleplay friends were in this family and i thought i might enjoy it. i did, really. it was fun being someone i normally wouldn’t roleplay as and even if i wasn’t on for a long time, i made some cool friends. but, thewicked-rp made me realize that it’s over. everything is over and i can’t do this anymore. roleplay is not my thing and i need to do different things. so this is where it all ends. this is where i give up my long-loved hobby and i find something new. it’s personally hard to say goodbye because of all the things i gained through this and i probably sound pretty dramatic, haha. it was fun being bang-onew, tbh. i just wished i enjoyed this experience longer, but i guess i need to do my own thing now. congrats if you made it this long. 

special thank yous to thewicked-jjong, thewicked-kibum, thewicked-taemin, bang-jonghyun, bang-minho, bang-kibummie, bang-taemin, and etc. just everyone who followed me, talked to me, and treated me like a good person, thank you.