ventilation.

Afraid to speak up

Even though we've touched before

Yet things are different now

Hate and resentment has filled the space in between

Unfortunately where love used to be

One reaches out

While the other pulls away

Heartache on one side

Coldness on the other

Years wasted

Money made on one side

Starting from scratch on the other

Having given everything they humanly had

Wasn't enough in the end

So everyone must move on

All I want is for the pain to go away now.

Can't believe I believed in love, in you.

I put all I had in you, it wasn't ever enough.

I was running on funes from the beginning,

I guess I wasn't much huh.

Allow me this moment of aching for what was and could've been.

After this I won't love anymore, not romantically, I won feel those feelings for anyone anymore, I will not allow it, nor do I believe that it is possible to even happen.

I have exhausted all of my romance In this life.

But, I am.

And it aches, this forever ongoing on, I have tried to live, for others, for me.

I am utterly exhausted of all options on how to live. I have no right to feel this way. I am blessed in life.

Something in me has been void for so long, I think before I even took my first breath, and it has pained the entirety of my existence.

I shouldn't be here.

Please don't worry about me, I am not going to hurt myself or try *t h a t* again.

I just needed to air out my sadness, it consumes me. And I don't know what else to do other than accept it.

So I live, I ache. I breathe, I ache. I eat, I ache.

I do what I must, I go through the motions, living but not really alive, not all there because if I was, I'd run straight for a cliff.

Let me stop searching for the motivation,

Just for a bit,

Let me wallow in my misery,

Let me feel the freezing cold,

After all thats where I left me,

Let me wander through my mind thats become a wilderness,

And find my center self,

Shes alone and dying out there,

I have to be the one to extend to her my hand,

As she lifts her wet eyes,

Hope emerges,

Gusts of wind rush us, hand in hand,

Towards the Nothing,

Its ok

I can't be fake with you

So I have to pull away from you

No point in me wasting my breath trying to explain,

How your actions left me with a taste of disdain,

When I'd done nothing but be a friend.

No need for tense confrontations,

You can't handle conversations like that anyway.

So I must take my leave, as we aren't vibing the same.

No one is better than the other here,

You're just really weird to me now,

I can't be real with you,

I have some shitty friends. I know because I used to be one. After taking some time to think about who I wanted to be, I became dependable, reliable, resourceful, helpful, compassionate, patient, All the things I took for granted once before.

I met some friends along that journey. Who taught me great life lessons too. As the friendship went on, I noticed some things. Not the same reciprocation, but I paid that no mind. People have their own lives going on, I understand. The benefit of the doubt, I gave it again and again. Seeing myself in those same friends, how I used to be, I didn't want to give up on them.

But the shade. The shade i couldn't handle. I saw right through it. Your whole gag is women supporting women. But when it came down to it, you just buttered me up enough to come back and hype you up. But when it came to my art, my shine, you were so intimidated, you couldn't even acknowledge me. You don't want to share the light, you want to be the star. But one thing you don't know, this is my movie, and you're just an extra. So keep that desperate energy, I see you going crazy without me. I know the feeling, scrambling because everyone's sees the true you now, is leaving you now, and you're trying to hold onto the one person you think you can control. What you don't know is I used to be you, and its not my responsibility to teach you this karmic lesson. As I have been a shitty friend, I've been dealt shitty friends, and its not my duty to help them be better. Me leaving them is their karmic lesson, just as it was mine when my good friends who I took for granted left me.

What went around, came around, and will go around the next b*tch.

She bloomed,

Like a flower in the wind,

Nothing could catch her,

She was wild and free,

Going where the wind carried her,

I literally just need to scream sometimes

I need to SCREAM

More like ROOAAAAAR

Into the sky

I just get so mad

But then it passes

And then I'm just tired

I lay down and dream

I forget for a bit

Then I wake up

I cant. I have everything I want

Everything I need

Yet my satisfaction is not at all quenched

Sinking in my abyss

Metaphorically drowning in all that I am and all i am not

How can I be

Who I want to be

I do my best everyday

To develop the amazing person beneath the rubble of my own destruction

You see, I destroyed myself, I have no one to blame but i

Who I was before

She left a trail of deceit and mistrust

So her words have no weight

They hold nothing

My actions are heavily done

I'm weighted down by the depression

I know no one is expecting much from me

They are waiting for me to fail again

So I do

Daily

Not purposefully

It's like

A cloak made of grey lead is put over me, and I can't hear, I can't see, I can't feel

And it's the same thing

Day

After day

After day

After day

Until I get into these fits where I can't fucking stand myself

I stare in the mirror

In a way I haven't in years

I'm not looking at my skin

My imperfections in the complexion

I look Into my eyes

I stare myself down

I haven't looked into my own eyes in years

The girl on the other side of the mirror frightens me

She knows my fears

My secrets

She knows everything I don't want you to know

The way she looks at me

The way she fucking looks at me

With her sad eyes

Those painful fucking eyes

That's why I never look her in the eyes

Too much pain

Too much water

A liquid life...

To turn from water into a rock

Being flowy into a sturdy foundation

It's not easy

I look her in the eyes

Those painful fucking eyes

Those bloodshot eyes

Awake in the night of a dark, cold strife

Unafraid of the horror stories shes heard, more afraid of the ones shes seen before her eyes

The tiring cycle of this fucking depression

It spins my mind

But before I know it

I blink

And it's morning

I get up and go to look at my son

And I know I can wear the cloak, I can look into my eyes, I don't have to fight

My struggles diminish

And the faith I never had in myself

Is born

Day

After day

After day