from december
to anyone that will listen
When my eyes are open, it’s there. Right at the edge of my peripheral, just out of reach. By the time I turn, it’s gone. But I know I saw it.
When my eyes are closed, it lingers in my vision. As if it was made out of light and I stared at it straight on and burned it into my retinas. It fades slightly but it’s still there.
I wouldn’t lie about something like this. But maybe my past is coming for me quicker than I thought. I’m sorry I lied so much but please listen to me this time. Maybe this is all a punishment from the Angel. Once I started seeing it more often, I felt like I started believing. I would’ve gone to church if I wasn’t so scared to step out of my door. I’m camped out in my room writing this, like it’s the end of the world. But no one believes me. It’s like I’m talking to a void. At first, some would take me seriously. They’d help me look in the forest when I’d freak over a rustle, look in my closet when I was too scared to, even turn the corner before me, just to be safe. But it got too much for everyone. I was too much for everyone.
I tried lying again. That I couldn’t see it anymore. I just wanted to go back to normal. I would give anything to live, even for just a moment, in the life I used to thrive in. Go to band practice just to not practice. Bug my sister & my mom every second. Make cookies with my annoying family in those annoying matching Christmas outfits. Seasonal from head to toe. I didn’t appreciate it enough. But lying wasn’t a good idea.
I was walking around town and I heard something crying. I couldn’t tell if it was an animal or a person, but I had this weight over my head that just pushed me toward it. Whether I wanted to help or not, I felt like I had no choice. The noise was coming from within the little forest part of town. As I went in deeper, the trees began covering any bit of the sun that was guiding my path. And it got colder.
just a couple steps ahead.
Everything in my body was telling me not to go closer, that I should head back and forget I did this. But as I tried to turn my body around, there was nothing behind me. It’s like the entire town vanished into complete darkness. I could hear the people, but something in my gut told me they wouldn’t be able to hear me.
Its’ eyes glowed within the darkness of the trees that remained. I couldn’t really make out how big it was. It’s like it was morphing with the deep dark behind it. Like it couldn’t decide what to be.
I couldn’t help but stare in awe and anger.
This thing that haunted me.
It kept staring at me. Like it was waiting for me to make a move.
My body inched closer. I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t control my body. I didn’t want to go closer. Everything in me was screaming to walk away. Why was I so scared of this thing? Why can’t I move away? Why is it here? Why can’t I move my body? Why can’t I look away? Why is my hand going up?
My hand went up towards the cat. The back of my hand raised up towards it. I couldn’t break eye contact. It inched closer. I felt my heartbeat in my throat.
It never stopped looking at me.
And it smiled bigger than I had seen it smile before.
I fell backward from the pain. I heard so many voices. Laughing. Singing. Screaming. Scratching. Running. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing.
I tried to look at my hand, but the pain was too much. I saw the world revolving around me. Everything around me was fading. I couldn’t feel my hand at this point. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t find it.
That’s when everything went dark.
I woke up outside the path. Azzy found me. He was panicking as always, checking to see if I got hurt. I could barely hear him over the laughing. I asked him if he could hear it too, but he didn’t respond.
I showed him my hand and asked him to take me to the hospital. The loss of blood made it so gray and pale. I couldn’t bear to look at it. He looked at me confused. Did you twist it?
I heard the laughing again. I understood. It was all in my head. I wasn’t making it up. But it was only in MY head. No one else. No one else can help me. Nobody can help me. I can’t be helped. Help me. No.
As I’m writing this. It’s laughing at me. At the thought of someone hearing me. Someone understanding me. Someone helping me. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. What I did to have this fate.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t think. I can’t do anything.
I need to listen to it again.
The singing. Was nice. Maybe if I learn to appreciate it, it won’t hurt as much. I won’t make the same mistake and take it for granted. I will learn to love it.
My hand hurts. No matter what I tried to do, it didn’t stop bleeding. My hand is barely there. But only to me. It’s only for me. It’s just for me.
I started hearing something new.
As if it’s telling the noises in my mind to quiet down. So I can focus on just that.
I think I need that. I need to focus on just that water. I need to find that water. Please.
I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry I didn’t live a life that made you believe me. I’m sorry I did something to deserve this. Please. If anyone can hear me.
Don’t forget me. I can’t forget who I was before this. What I thought of before. What inhabited my mind. I can’t remember. I Remember who I was.
Hello? Can anyone hear me? Anyone, if you're there... thank you.
Don’t forget. I won’t forget.
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