Balancing the Books

Thought I was going to have to give up a few times along the way, but I pushed through and managed to complete my 25min run.

Definitely the MVP song to carry me through was The Greatest by Sia.

Need to get a great playlist going for my first 5k in two weeks!

I’ve not been posting a lot because I’m extremely busy at work.  The all dreaded audit busy season.  Not only is it difficult to train in the mornings, the most difficult part for me is getting home early enough to go to sleep at 10PM so I can get my 8 hours sleep.  I’ve been managing to keep to my diet though which is good.

I’m off for my third run of the week.  This one is 25 min (longest so far).  I’m really tired cause I only got about 6 hours sleep so I think this one is going to be super difficult.

So week 1 went pretty well I think.  Here are the stats:

Weight loss - Down 2.9kg (6.4lb)

KM’s run - 6.4km (4miles)

Training sessions - 5

Of which are runs - 3

I admit 6.4km is not a lot, but for me with my limited fitness, I’m pretty happy.  I had my first run of the week yesterday (Monday) as well.  This week the intervals switch from 1 min run/1 min walk to 2 min run/1 min walk.  It was tougher than I expected, maybe because I didn’t take the rest day between runs like I was meant to.  So today I just did some meditation instead and tomorrow will be back at the gym for the next run.

Work is really picking up, with two client reporting deadlines next week so I’m finding it difficult to fit in personal life.  When I mentioned that I’d be going home after my 9h work day (plus an extra two hours travel) it was met with unsavory looks... (how dare I right?)  So I stayed an extra hour and got home just in time to play a bit of piano and go to bed so that I can get my 8 hours sleep.  

I didn’t have a great nights sleep.  I woke up quite a few times and I remember at the time I thought I’d woken up because of my sore muscles (chest, arms and shoulders).  I knew it would be sore as I hadn’t done weights in ... .about ever...  So this morning was really tough to get up and the biggest fight with myself so far this week to go to the gym.  It very nearly didn’t happen.

Building on my previous post though, I told myself right now building the routine is more important than anything else so even if I went to the gym and just walk on the treadmill for ten minutes it’ll be worthwhile.  So I braved the rain and did it.  And by the time I got to the gym I felt much better so ended up being able to do my intended leg workouts anyway.  I’ll still be staying away from further arm workouts probably until next week as I was struggling to lift myself out of the chair this morning ;p.

I’m proud of myself for pushing through though.  I’m notoriously bad with willpower.  Also, I didn’t overdo it on the legs so that I can at least use half of my body.  But my poor legs have been lugging around more than 100kgs for about 15 years now so I think there’s a bit more muscle underneath those fat layers.

This last year or so I’ve fallen into a terrible habit of staying up real late watching Youtube videos or scouring Instagram.  Also the first thing I do in the morning is reach for my phone and check social media.  This leads to about three plus hours wasted at night and sometimes an extra hour in the mornings.

Because I don’t go to sleep at the right time, I frequently struggle to wake up in the mornings, meaning I’m always late and never get enough sleep.  So part of Balancing the Books means to get back into a healthy sleep routine and stop wasting my time on unnecessary, unfulfilling habits.  

The best thing I think I’ve done this week has been to charge my phone on the other side of the room.  That means when I’m preparing for bed, I put my phone on charge and switch off from social media.  It also forces me to get up immediately when my alarm goes off at 6 o’clock instead of snoozing for hours.  At the risk of sounding crass, I’ve also decided to no longer take my phone into the bathroom with me, which has cut down my morning routine even further. ;D

I realise, however, the most important thing is for me to get into a routine.  I’ve been reading a book about habits and routines (The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg) and they mentioned something that I had heard before about your brain forming new synapses.  Literally changing the way your brain works and the layout of your mind until something becomes embedded and becomes second nature.

A lot of firsts.  So part of why I chose my apartment is because it has a really nice gym (which I’ve come to discover is quite expensive here in the UK).  Although I was really excited about the gym I’ve only visited it about three times since moving here in October.

So since my 5k plan has me resting between runs, I went to the gym yesterday and did free weights for the first time.  Usually when I’ve joined a gym I only did cardio, but I know it’s important for me to start weight training also.  The main reason why I’ve never done it is because I feel extremely self conscious.  I don’t know how to do it and I’m also deceptively weak.  I can’t lift heavy weights at all, but because I’m 6ft 2 and have fat where biceps are meant to be, people always assume I’m strong.  This has been the case my whole life.  I remember at school that everyone always wanted me to do shotput and the teachers would give me an extra try at try-outs because they always thought it came down to bad technique...  My dad even bought me a shotput ball once... I really think I just wasn’t strong enough.

I’ve had two friends in the last couple of months saying we should gym together.  “With your build, once you start lifting you’ll be a machine!”  Although it would be super useful getting advice from someone who knows what they’re doing I’ve always steered clear out of fear that I won’t be able to lift the smallest weight... We’ll see.  Either I’ll build up a little bit of strength before asking them for help, or even better, maybe I’ll gain some confidence.

I’ve always wanted to get into running races.  I’ve done a colour fun run before, but no real races.  My personality is the type that likes a sense of achievement but I also work well under pressure so I’ve decided to enter a 5k for the first week of Feb so that I have something to work towards.  For this reason, I’m also using a plan to run 5k within 4 weeks.  My only goal for this first race is to complete it without having to walk.  I don’t care how long it takes, as long as I end up not having to walk.  Right now, I’m running extremely slowly, but still have to stop to walk every few minutes.  So, I’ve got four weeks to get my fitness up.  

As mentioned previously, I used to have some ‘almost’ proper gym routines where I’d go to the gym three times a week.At my peak, however, the best I could do is run on the treadmill for 20 min without stopping.  

Over the past year, I’ve gone running a couple of times.  Each time starting from scratch I would run for a minute and a half and then walk for a minute.  I would do this for 20 min at a time.  

Do to my running experience, although very limited, I wasn’t expecting today’s first run to be all too taxing.  Boy was  I wrong.  Maybe since I put on a lot of weight very recently and I haven’t run for two months, but it was really tough, especially on my shins.  My new running plan said I should start out real easy with a 10 min run, alternating walking and running every minute.  At first I thought this is way too easy, but I guess I was wrong.  It shames me to say it.

Another part of why it was tough, is because I’m in a new area, having recently moved, and don’t quite know where to go running.  I felt extremely shy thinking that everyone is judging me and knowing that I’m one of the ‘new year new me’ wannabe’s (which, lets face it, I am... At least until this whole thing turns into a success story).

The cold also didn’t help...

I live in London, UK, so today was pretty cold.  

As today marks the start of my weight-loss journey, I’ve made sure to take pictures and measurements.  I will take measurements every two weeks from this date and provide updates.  

Though I put on weight steadily over the past two years or so, I put on quite a bit of it in the past three months or so due to some terrible binge eating habits and a sedentary lifestyle.  Due to me employing an ostrich, head-in-the-sand, mindset, I hadn’t quite grasped how bad things had become.  Looking at the photos I took I feel so ashamed that I don’t even want to post them on here yet, even though I know I currently have no followers yet.  I’ll still consider adding them soon, but think I’ll probably only show them when there are some progress pictures to add.. 

Just making the choice to take this journey has already had a positive impact on my mood.  As is usually the case and with so many others, I’ve decided to start the new journey on the 1st of January.  Yeah, yeah I know... New year’s resolutions aren’t necessarily the greatest, most effective or long term sustainable way to change your life and lose weight, however, I’ve had some success in the past.  You see, as with most, this is not my first rodeo.  My weight has been fluctuating for most of my life.  I was always much taller than my peer group, but my first real memory of being conscious about my weight was when I was about 8 years old.  For school, they were measuring everyone's bodies, height, weight etc.  I remember being the heaviest of all the kids, around 50kg (110lb) and there my battles started.  Not wanting to go to birthday parties because I knew they’d be swimming and I didn’t want to take of my shirt, refusing to wear t-shirts or jeans for most of my teens because I thought it made me look fatter and passing on quite a lot of social opportunities, reverting rather to make friends on IRC chat-rooms on the internet.

A change came when my parents decided to move when I was 15.  I moved from the city where I was in a school with 1200+ students, to a smaller town where I was in a school with 70 students from age 7 to 18.  While this might terrify a lot of kids, this was exactly the kick start I needed.  If you’re stuck in a class with just 8 kids you end up having no other choice than to become best friends with them.  I ended up becoming much more social and being able to stand out simply because there was no-where to hide.  In my final year of school, I became headboy, lost around 20kg (44lb) of weight, joined a band, had a girlfriend and things were going great.  Until today, I think this was one of the most important character developments of my life and I’m thankful for this change.  

The weight stayed off for most of my university days and the first few years of my articles (three year training contract to become a Chartered Accountant).  Although I was still overweight, I was close enough to my goal weight that it didn’t particularly effect my life and I was exercising once or twice a week.  My lowest weight was around 100kg (220lb) while my height is 1.94m (6ft 4″)..  Although one might think that life was perfect during this stage of my life, personal issues such as my parents’ divorce, financial problems and the stress of exams (later work) caused me to fall into a deep depression, which only started lifting in my second year of articles (2013) when I saw a psychiatrist and got medication to treat my depression.  This is also when I started putting on weight again.

The weight gain, though gradual at first, reached its pinnacle at the end of my articles when I went on a six month secondment to the US.  I lived in Houston, Texas, working for a big-four accounting firm.  One of the best periods of my life, and I wasn’t going to spoil it with diets.  By the end of this six months (June 2015) I reached my heaviest weight ever of 135kg (300lbs).  I had put on about 20kgs (44lbs) in a six month period.  After returning from the US, I learnt that due to the pills I were taking for depression, or perhaps a natural lull in my metabolism, I was unable to drop the weight as easily as before by simply dieting and going to the gym every once in while.  However, with a bit of dedication and changes in habits, I was able to lose around 20kg of the weight in a year.  

In July 2016 I decided that I wanted to move to London UK.  This time the move was permanent and I still reside here.  Again, due to the new experiences and strange food choices available to me, I developed the worst of eating habits and now have gained just about all the weight back.  Although I’ve been too scared to get back on a scale, I find that pants and shirts that stopped fitting in the US has once again stopped fitting and can barely look at myself in the mirror.  

As a new year is approaching I can't help becoming introspective. I've been working really hard this last year so it feels like the Christmas holidays is the first time that I can stand back, take a breath and evaluate my life. No surprise, I feel tired, overworked and unhappy. Not surprising considering how little I've looked after myself. I'm also reaching, just about, my worst weight and feeling uncomfortable with my body.

I told myself this year I was goimg to focus on career progression and though I reached my goals for the year and got that promotion, I can't help thinking there must be a better way. There must be a more holistic, healthier way to reach all my goals without compromising the others. A balance between mind, body and spirit.

Before you ask, yes, I've just recently read Eat, Pray, Love for the second time... and though I think the writer might be bat-shit crazy, I can't help admiring the drastic measures she's taken in her pursuit of balance. I'm also currently rereading the blogposts of BenDoesLife. A wonderful journey of an overweight twenty something year old who managed to get to his goal weight by running everyday and ended up running marathons. Something I'm aspiring to do.

The BenDoesLife blog has inspired this one. I've realised a long time ago that sharing my personal battles with friends and family is very difficult for me. I've been thrust into a role of responsibility at a young age and showing weakness is okay as long as you put the silver lining around the dark cloud spin on it. As in, yes I'm working hard and am exhausted but Its just a busy period and once I get some rest or finish this project it'll be fine. You can't mention that you've been having anxiety attacks and chest pains or can't see any way how the workload is going to let up and feel utterly hopeless. Because at the end of the day it'll just make them worry more and what can they do about it? Right? That's what I've been telling myself but now I'm realising a big part of it is that I dont want to show weakness.

Well, that's the reason for this blog. To track my journey, to share and to lament but hopefully ultimately build an insoiring story that can help others as well. The main focus of the blog will be my weightloss journey but will definitely have honest sprinklings of my mental journey also.

Join me for the ride!