Bad Touch Baseball

“Yeah, the Moby Dick jokes are almost as funny as the jokes about my forearm hair.”

“Not sure if mustache or crappy Photoshop filter...”

“I’ll make more money in retirement than you will in your entire puny lives. Choke on THAT.”

“I sure hope they use a good picture of me...maybe one where I’m not stumbling into a fence.”

“Just call me the Hug Monster.”

“When you fill out your All-Star ballot, remember to vote for me, Ol’ Smashface.”

“I like to wear my uni when I go hiking, so hunters don’t mistake me for a deer.”

“Somebody tell the clubhouse guy that we’re out of Aqua Net.”

“Wait a minute...if a ball hits the so-called foul pole, it’s actually a fair ball? My entire life is a lie.”

“So...whatcha thinkin’ about?”

“Some guys have endorsement deals with Nike or Gatorade. I’m a Lens Crafters guy.”

“Yeah, they call me ‘Hawk’, but I just bought the necklace because I dig birds.”

“My mustache has a name...it’s Hairy Narron.”

“It’s so hard to find a cap big enough to fit over your toupee.”

“Aw, nuts. I mixed up my mask and my spit cup again.”

“No, I’m not a Julio Franco statue...I’m really him!”

“I only grew this stupid goatee to draw attention away from the gin blossoms on my nose.”