Bonnie blue

For context

my heart was broken when I was 9 years old on June 25th 2009 and my idol died I remember being upset and nothing more.

Speaking with my mother recently I guess I misremembered that I actually cried all day and was depressed for a week straight not eating or sleeping.

In my young mind I felt that somehow it was my fault which I know is insane but kids don’t know anything man lmao

I just knew that the artist that had gotten me through so much bullying and honestly rural poverty in a small town in Texas had died on a significant day for me.

For years I kinda just pushed that back. Pushed back my admiration for Michael in a way to cope with this loss that I felt had deeply affected me.

When people brought him up I would just be like oh yeah I love Billie Jean but like honestly it was really hard for me to pretend that I wasn’t in awe of this superhuman but simultaneously very vulnerable and shy man.

Michael means many things to me, but above all he really I have always felt mirrors so many of my own vulnerabilities and traumas.

I’ve been singing since I was a small child about his age when he started

my parents and aunts and uncles wanted to nourish my abilities but their own turmoil definitely got in the way of being there for me.

My mom worked long hours and so when she was at work I was alone caring for my little brother. I remember walking down the long gravel path of our family property down to out trailer and going inside and hearing Michael on the San Antonio oldies station every day my favorite song was “Ben” and “Got to be there” those made me feel the most comforted above all.

All I had was my radio and my computer and thankfully YouTube was around and the first video I ever watched with my family was the thriller music video on the platform I was in awe of how someone could be so beautiful and talented!!!

I was smitten !!!!

I never had any friends I was often singled out for being different and I felt very very alone my whole life. We moved around so many times and I went to 9 different schools moving around so often that I was always the new girl. It didn’t help that I wanted to be famous so badly as a kid and had full belief in myself that one day I would achieve my dreams it just made things worse for me I guess.

Even when I got popular in high school randomly and was invited to parties and gatherings I always felt too different to relate. Almost Alien. I’ve had dysmorphia for majority of my life I often don’t recognize myself in the mirror and idk it gives me confidence to know someone that was as beautiful as he also felt the same way as me. Idk it makes me think man I must be trippin cause MIKE was a smoke show. I guess I didn’t realize how similar we really were until this year where idk I just felt so seen by studying him.

Now I will say as an adult I feel 100% comfortable being obsessed with WHATEVER because life is just way way way way way too short to be embarrassed by any hyperfixation.

Joining this fandom and tumblr thread has actually helped my mental health so much.

All this Michael Mania happens to coincide with my recent career path change of lounge singing at restaurants and working on my album. The movie and subsequent research reignited my belief in myself and my ability to chase my dreams no matter my circumstances. I feel that God has lined up everything in my life together perfectly to be the greatest I could ever be, and thankfully Michael happens to be at the forefront of my mind and heart right now at this very precious time in my life.

Because what an inspiration he is to this world. What a gift and a pleasure to the senses. I wouldn’t choose anyone else to be my favorite artist. Studying his artistry has made me so much better and I hope that one day I’ll achieve even a fraction of what he has done for the world! Thank you Michael for everything you sacrificed for people like me working in this industry and suffering under the pressure of this fleeting world. Your music and heart have given me hope that I’ve only gotten from my own personal prayers with god I know that you are at rest finally and you finally got the paradise that you so desperately believed in for humanity you succeeded in your dream. For whatever reason the day you passed intertwined our fates just a little bit and I can’t wait to see what comes from this small knot in fates chords.

My moonwalker book came in today

And this week I have acquired his colognes

Bal A Versailles by Jean Desprez

And

Black orchid by Tom Ford

I IMMEDIATELY sprayed my book

I do intend on also getting Valentino for men and so far I’m on chapter 4 and I’m SO not looking forward to finishing it I might just read a couple of pages a day to try to make it last longer. What a beautiful week though I know it’s sad for all of us but Michael would be so happy to know that we still love him that his message of love still matters to people and saves lives and changes peoples minds and hearts!

In the end his mission did succeed and in my eyes he healed the world.

A/N not proofread please forgive me I’m tired asffffuk love yall!!!!