Ugh

wasting all day when it's VERY IMPORTANT for u to study and keep up for this thing u have a deadline for the 12 which you're NOT gonna fulfill and then going hey why do I feel like human garbage. BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMBASS. kill yourself kill yourself kill yourselfff

and at the end of the day. i'm miserableee

I recommend . having a bad memory. or maybe it's the autism i dunno but. whenever everything's going good with my family I'm like everything's going to be good forever and any past moments of it being bad start to blur. good coping i think

it sucks when I get like this because I wanna yell out i wanna kill myself even if I wouldn't and I'll need to let out something somehow but I won't want and will avoid talking about it with anyone who cares about me because I don't want to worry them and I know they won't be able to help bc my brain is fucked and comfort just feels like kind lies. and it's all my stupid body & brain doing this for no reason

passive suicide ideation is funny sometimes. I'll really look at anything and go 'wonder if I could kill/hurt myself with that'

I preferred it when I was suicidal and depressed at work (even if I was worried about breaking down crying and people seeing it) and then I'd go to the weekend and focused on a project or smth and the time ran out and it was monday and I was very upset again. This is the second weekend where I'm better ish at the job (sometimes still bad, but easier to distract myself) and then friday afternoon comes and every emotion I've been supressing comes back and I can't even enjoy sleeping a long time because I'll wake up nervous, and find it harder to focus on even the things that I love and have been looking forward to all week. It's saturday and I can rest and I can eat a lot and I'm with my cat but my brain's still going off about work and how I should cut myself open until I don't feel anything

it's giving 'character with a bullet hole hides it until the most dramatic moment'

made a joke to my therapist about how the cutter on my workplace going missing is a sign of the world being against me and she laughed and told me I should try to be a writer

literally today my sister referred to my self harm and suicidal ideation as me being very stubborn which is a new low I didn't know existed

in a world where I could garantee my survival a suicide attempt would be very tempting but I don't even think it would help. obviously bc since would be a way to try to control people in my life's actions/feelings which doesn't work (and is also really bad to do) but also bc I think they'd take that as an excuse to take even more control over my life and discredit everything I feel and say as 'overreactions' (((:

Today I keep thinking of somehow cutting myself open at my job, bleeding out and coming back to my desk so anyone who walks by reception sees it

wanna die

I am loyal (I betray) I am a good friend (I don't reach out I don't even notice if a friend is going through it I do not help them I do not know how and I think and then I forget and do nothing) I am nice (I act nice but will make anyone into an enemy to feel better) I am genuine ( I am fake everything is acted everything is prepared I am a rotten machine that tries to pass for human except machines can be good and I am bad) I am a parasite I am filling up space I am not a real human being

my depression brain was right I AM a terrible person I AM a monster and I keep tricking people into caring for me and I don't deserve it and I take take take from people and don't give them anything back because I am not actually a person I am something evil and I only care about myself