Pajama’s on a cold, dark, day. I hold my cat close to me.
keeping my secrets from the man that holds my heart. the secrets I thought were gone.
these thoughts were gone, like cigarette ashes in the wind.
they’re slowly coming back, the way a wave crashes over your head while trying to stay afloat.
I can’t say that there aren’t ‘triggers’-- oh how I despise the way ‘triggers’ are today -- the books that break my heart and the shows that follow.
I sit here pondering the way my heart breaks every time I reread the words, the way I listen to the words as they blast from my speakers while I watch the movies over and over again. While I listen to the show for the first time through.
I know that it won’t be the last -- it never will be. I relive the days where similar things occurred to me, the way high school paved the way for college in the most dramatic ways, and how college is preparing me for the near, and realer future.
My eyes water up as I see an old friend in her, the way I see how the life of the characters in all the books I read reflect myself, and the lives of past friends. How I wish I could only save them from the fate that I once thought was inevitable for her, for me.
The reflection of a dead girl disguised by the face of a girl far away, but alive and well -- as well as someone in a long distance relationship can be without breaking apart, and feeling like the waves are crashing harder, faster, stronger than they were before -- at least a girl like me can dream.
These shows, these books, bring me back to a time when I was 17 and ‘in love’ with a guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Then I grew up, and realized that he only ever reminded me that I’m not what he needed, and he’s not I needed then, now, or in the future. I try to remind myself of those things sometimes -- even though I’m with someone new -- because I feel like I’m not enough, never enough, for someone to want to marry.
The truth is that video games are better than a wife, and a dog is better than a wife. A wife that doesn’t live up to the expectations you’ve had for her since day one. Even when you know these expectations are just that, expectations, it’s still hard to get it out of your head. Expectations are not a reality. It’s difficult to think they ever could be.
Futures are shaped by a dream, and I finally have a dream.
my dream is to be a good mom -- a good wife -- a fur mom -- and more importantly someone that people can depend on, hopefully, for once. I’ve always been the one to lean on shoulders, no one has ever taken me up on the offer to be their shoulder to lean on.
For now I’ll lean on my cat to cry because he loves me unconditionally.
