Ire

Satoru brought you flowers every Friday.

He never really had time, he had work, work he never told you about. You weren't stupid, you knew he was hiding something. Every aspect of him, his secrecy about his job and about his life, his vulnerability to your touch, his laugh and of course his looks, everything was extraordinary. Satoru Gojo was special, like no one you had met before.

He never told you about it. On some days it bothered you.

Satoru Gojo met you in some cafe, it was a moment from a totally cliche romcom. You standing in the small cafe you didn't even know with your too bitter coffee after another too short night. A bell rang when the door opened again and he walked in. And god the world seemed to stop. Satoru Gojo's hair was out of a fairytale, it was white as the snow. He had sunglasses on even though it was cloudy but somehow it wasn't ridiculous, he made it work.

When he met your eyes he smiled a kind of boyish smile and asked something like: "Can I help you pretty?" - it was oozing with confidence and also almost making you wince with second hand embarrassment. But you also liked it. Yeah, you discovered that day that you were indeed like other girls.

He shamelessly flirted with you and well of course you flirted back. He seemed nice under the charming facade.

You went on dates. Every Friday.

He was a teacher. That was something you got out of him, it took a while. But he seemed passionate even though he always avoided the topic which he teached. Was he embarrassed about math or something? You weren't one to judge, but when you told him and pressed he always said…

"Maybe some other day. Tell me about you, how was your day, gorgeous?"

You weren't stupid. Naive? Maybe, but not downright stupid, you knew he probably didn't see a future with you. He never asked you properly out, the two of you just spent friday evenings together. Of course he did cancel every now and then. Sometimes even for a long long time.

You guessed he was in some deep deep illegal shit and you were sinking in it. Everytime you told one of your friends of the man you were talking, to who was still somehow a stranger, they were all saying the same:

"Run girl. That man is scamming you or something. Or your his side chick. Whatever it is, it won't end will if he is keeping secrets from you."

They were properly right. But…

But Satoru seemed so nice. He was so vulnerable when the two of you cuddled. The first time you hugged and kissed him he almost fainted. He was giddy every time you touched him, but at the same time he was almost, well nervous? He was so so sweet and seemed so so vulnerable to you.

Were you really that gullible?

Satoru brought you flowers, specifically forget me nots.

It was Friday. Satoru didn't cancel. There was no message. But it was also the fourth week he hadn't shown up. You called him again, but it went straight to voicemail. Like before. Like it has for four weeks. You didn't want to believe it but it was so so hard to keep the thoughts away.

Satoru Gojo had ghosted you.

You didn't know where he lived, he never told you. You didn't have anything to go by, didn't even know at which school he teached. Satoru Gojo was like a phantom in your life. Maybe you made it all up to feel more desirable than you actually were.

The old forget me nots were dying. You could dry them and keep them. But maybe that wasn't for the best. Maybe they should die. Maybe this dream was to good to come true.

This post is one I am making after months of nothing. I would like to say that I am writing this to give people an explanation but to be honest I am writing this for myself and maybe some nice comments. I wouldn't say that the people that follow me are really waiting for anything. I am selfish like that.

I love writing. I loved writing. I don't really know what's true anymore. Because I love to share my thoughts but since I can remember I've hated my thoughts.

I hate myself.

In the last two years, my self-worth has drastically declined, I have no will to get out of bed and I think about dying.

I would like to say that I am getting help, but the phone call to try and get a therapist is waiting for me for weeks and I can't get myself to do it. Some people close to me know, most of them don't. I feel like a horrible person because I am rotting at home and not speaking with my friends and family.

I want to hurt and I want to die. I don't like those things about me.

I have tried to write things for this blog, I have tried to still write some silly romantic scenarios like I did before but I can't. Because in some way or the other my work is always about depression.

I can't help but write about depression, about this never-ending tiredness because that's what I feel. That's where my heart is and it's not fair for those waiting for me updating some story I began a year ago (even though I don't think anyone is actually waiting for anything from me).

I can't write, because if I do I will write about depression, anything else I write about isn't real for, isn't something I truly write with my heart.

I'm sorry for those who liked the things I wrote, I'm sorry I can't deliver the same anymore.

Satoru was so pretty.

Right there as he was sitting, well now laying, next to you on that couch, eyes closed as he began to give quiet snores from him, it hit you.

Satoru Gojo was your husband. Your gorgeous, handsome, charming and funny husband. Yours, with his Sarcastic remarks, catching laugh and dramatic antics.

Even after you thought he wasn't.

The two of you had agreed to watch a movie, some cheesy romcom he had sworn was peak. He had smiled promising you, you would love it. But right now it was playing in the background as you could finally admire him without that embarrassing feeling.

Your heart was pounding as you began to smile at the silly little sounds that left his parted lips. He was probably so exhausted from work. This was the first day he was free in weeks and that silly man begged you to spend it together, even though it was obvious he needed rest.

But you did it anyway.

Visited his favorite cafe, listened as he told you about his favorite kind of pastry they sold there. Answered his questions about your favorite pastries, catching yourself smiling at his passion over so small things.

He showed you the little book shop he had found a couple of days prior. Telling you he thought of you as he saw it.

And again you caught yourself smiling at him. And not just any smile. A giddy one. A comfortable one. A genuine one.

Just like right now. In the evening on the couch, after dinner at a small restaurant he wanted to show you. While you were supposed to watch that movie.

You wanted to brush through his hair. To caress him while he was sleeping there so vulnerable.

You heard the sounds of traffic outside, the lights of cars shining through the window, painting the living room for a couple moments red before they left the lighting to the TV and the little lamp on the little table. .

His words were in your head.

"Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing really. I have this big crush on my wife, how do I tell her?"

And in this moment, you let yourself believe it. Right there, while his white hair was flashing between the colors of the lighting, you let a quiet giggle leave your lips.

Maybe you had a small crush on your husband too.

The thought came into and left your mind quickly. It was just so easy with Satoru. And at the same time it wasn't. Because even though he said it last sunday, even though he cried when you showed him the divorce papers, a part of you was still scared he didn't really care.

You wanted to banish that part right now.

Before you could stop yourself, your hand lifted to brush his messy hair out of his face.

"Get some rest you idiot."

You looked at the TV. You missed a good chunk from the movie because you kept looking at him, but it was still a good movie. You should probably watch it again alone sometime, so Satoru wouldn't notice you weren't as attentive to the movie as you should have been.

But you did catch the happy ending right now as the credits started to roll.

You should probably wake him, sleeping in that position for a whole night would not be comfortable for him. But you didn't want to.

You turned to him.

To see him looking at you with a smirk on his face.

"Wow, so I'm an idiot, huh?" he slid a bit closer to you, as you looked at him with a wide open mouth. "That's mean you know."

Every cell of your body wanted to evaporate, just disappear from this planet. But you tried to keep your cool, even though you knew you were blushing hard.

"You're awake?" you let out a nervous laugh.

"Was. I was awake the whole time."

Shit.

"I was the whole time, while I felt the stare of my gorgeous wife and heard as she let out that cute giggle." he sighed and grabbed his chest with a dramatic gesture. "And you know I wanted to open my eyes so badly the whole time."

He grinned at you again. "But it was worth it to wait."

You cleared your throat as you turned the TV off. "Is that so?"

"Mhm~" he sat up more and stretched his arms. 'Discreetly' placing his right arm around your shoulders. "It was."

"And why, my dear husband," you tried to sound casual. "were you pretending to sleep?"

"Forbid a man is curious if his wife is also staring at him." he 'discreetly' pulled you a bit closer, his body warmth almost reaching your body now.

"And you are so sure I was staring at you?" you tried to safe your situation.

"Well, if you weren't, my dear wife," he was loving it to say that. "then you can surely tell me why Kat started to like Patrick?"

You blinked at him a couple of times. Opened your mouth, but you knew he had already exposed you.

He started laughing as your blush only grew. And was he even still trying to be 'discreet' with his coming closer to you?

You let him anyway.

"Don't be embarrassed." His face was only a breath away, his arm around you and you left side now leaned against his right. "I would have probably stared more if you fell asleep next to me."

Your heart stuttered. The proximity of him making your whole body almost shake out of nervousness. And how close his face was, how close his lips were, stretched in that stupid grin, made you even more jittery on the inside.

"You would have?" you tried to say it playfully but thanks to him you sounded more nervous than in your head.

His beautiful eyes softened a bit. "Yeah, I would have." he raised his hand to caress your cheek. "Because my wife is so beautiful, gorgeous-"

"Oh my god stop." you tried to hide the on growing redness in your face but he stopped your hands with his other.

"So pretty, charming and you can't forget funny-"

"While I'm sleeping?" you snorted.

"Oh, I'm sure your hilarious when you start sleep talking." he cupped your face now with both of his hands.

"I would love to find out."

Your eyes widened at his words, even though you shouldn't be phased by his flirting anymore. You cleared your throat again, as you looked away from his eyes. "You know, it's really late..."

"You're right. We should get ready to sleep." he didn't move, his hands still cupping your face, his body still so so close.

"So, you know..." you slowly slipped away from his hands. "We should go to our rooms..."

And your heart almost broke at his expression. Because he did try to hide it but you saw a glimmer of disappointment on his face.

"Already?" he laughed a teasing smile plastered on his face. "I thought I was at least getting a goodnight kiss. You know, as your idiot?"

And you didn't know where the sudden boldness came from, but before you completely slipped away, you pressed a quick peck on his cheek and slipped away just as quickly after.

And as you stood up, you could see now he was the one blushing.

"Now get some rest you idiot."

And with that you slipped into your room, leaving Satoru blushing and internally screaming.

"I'm quitting."

When Kento Nanami told you that your wanted to laugh, shake your head and smile at him for the joke. But his expression told you everything. Furthermore Nanami never joked.

"What are you saying?" you hated your voice, how emotionless it sounded. But at the same it was a blessing it didn't break.

"I'm leaving." he cleared his throat, his eyes glancing away from you. "I'm no longer working as an jujutsu sorcerer."

The silence that followed engulfed you, played with your heart and made you sick.

"Why?" you tried to catch his eyes but he kept avoiding yours.

"You know why."

He was right, you did. Who didn't as a jujutsu sorcerer?

"That doesn't mean I would leave!" you couldn't help but raise your sharp voice. "Just because it's hard, because it's unforgiving, because there are doubts, I wouldn't leave!"

He seemed small to you. His posture, his avoiding gaze, his tiredness, it all made him seem so so small.

"I can't do this anymore." he closed his eyes. "My work doesn't mean anything. It would probably better if Gojo did all my missions."

"Are you listening to yourself?" you wanted to scream. "Just because you are not 'the strongest' as they say, doesn't mean it makes your work meaningless! Every grade 2 curse we eliminate could have killed thousands of people if we didn't act. It's our du-"

"I can't do it anymore." he emphasized the word can't. "Not after Haibara. Not with this system that kills everyone, kid or adult."

And the moment Haibara was brought up you knew you lost him. After he died Nanami was never quite the same. There was a void in his belief system Haibara used to fill. Haibara said why Jujutsu Sorcery was important, why you and he mattered in this.

And Haibara was killed for that belief.

"I don't expect you to be okay with my decision, but I hope you of all people understand."

You did. But you just couldn't.

"But isn't Haibara one of the many reasons why we should keep fighting? Why we should fight against curses to protect people like him-"

"We are not protecting people like him, we are the people dying like him. People like you and me, who are no prodigys like Satoru Gojo." his voice was firm.

"Is that what you really think? That I'm throwing my life away in trying to safe people?"

You didn't notice the change of 'we' into 'I' till later.

He didn't answer you. And that was a 'yes' in your book. Nanami Kento believed you were throwing your life away. And that he was too, that's why he was leaving.

"Alright then." you cleared your throat a smile making its way onto your face. "Then run away. Do it. Live your life doing 'better things'."

You turned, leaving. You couldn't bear it to look at him. "But don't expect to hear from me. Be a coward, please, but don't expect me to be one too."

Nanami Kento didn't follow you or object that day. He just left.

And there was a part of you that did began to doubt jujutsu sorcery, that imagined what life would have been if you left too.

Because you loved Nanami Kento. You loved his annoyed scoff, the way he was always so collected, his smile which didn't show up often. Loved his big heart, his way of caring so so much.

But there was a bigger part of you born that day. The part that pushed you into your work as a jujutsu sorcerer.

A part that made you avoid Nanami Kento even when he returned.

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"You overdid it again."

You layed on your back as Shoko treated your (not so little) wounds. A big cut on your leg, you were happy didn't cut of your leg as a whole, and your right arm was broken.

"Hey, I did exorcize that special grade." you grinned up at her. "Cut me some slack.".

She sighed at that while applying her technique. "Always with that careless remarks. You know, if I didn't know you any better I would tell you to take a break. But I unfortunately do know you and know you wouldn't listen to me anyway."

After you were bandaged and healed up by her, you sat up with a yawn. "Please I'm more than alright." you gave her a soft smile. "Thanks to you."

"You know if you really wanna thank me-" the brunette gave you a smirk. "You should join Utahime and me tonight and maybe buy me a drink for my really hard work."

"Utahime? I thought she was in Kyoto?" you still remembered her scolding you last time you saw her. Said something along the lines that she almost should hire someone to look after you.

"You didn't hear? It's student exchange time and today the Kyoto school is arriving. Obviously the exchange event isn't immediately starting so we wanted to go out, you know."

Oops. You completely forgot, to busy with your missions.

"Maybe some other time." you gave her apologetic eyes. "Gojo asked me for some books from my family library. You know jujutsu stuff for the new first years."

"God, you and your work." Shoko sighed. "You're worse than Nanami."

She realized what she said seconds after it slipped, looking at you with wide eyes. Before she could say anything, probably an apology, you stood up.

"Well, I have to go now." you collected your stuff, while trying not to use your previously broken arm. "See you soon."

As you closed the door behind you, you heard her mutter: "Please not so soon in this room again."

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You made your way back to jujutsu high the very same day, with the books Gojo requested. Normally you would wait a day afted you were healed, but today you wanted to prove something to yourself.

The books were heavy to carry with your left arm. But you did it, maybe out of pride. To prove you were recovering.

As you entered the school again, you could see the second years training outside, with some other kids, probably the new first years. A brown haired girl you've never seen before and the black haired boy you already knew.

You heard the fired up screams of the girl and couldn't help but smile at her. Yeah, you remembered your first year at this school. How excited you were to do something, to have a purpose.

Before you were ever in real battle of life and death.

You walked down the halls, towards the classroom Gojo said to put the books. But you didn't expect to see the people that were there.

"Yuji, you will work with him, while I'm away-"

"Gojo, I brought you the books-" you were a bit troubled as you opened the door, your left arm carrying the books, while your right arm, still hurting, tried to normally open it.

And as you looked up, you saw him.

Shit, why did Gojo not say anything?

"Ahhh, thank you! You brought them already today? You're spoiling me!" Gojo walked in front of you, blocking your glare at Nanami.

"My pleasure." your voice was so distant again, making you wonder if it was really yours.

"Sensei? Who is this?" A boy with pink hair stood next to Nanami, looking curious. "Are you coming with us?"

"This is our 1. Grade wonder woman, Yuji my sweet!" Gojo swayed his arms around you like a bad TV reporter.

"Gojo what does he mean 'coming with us'? Is there another mission?" you looked at the boy who bowed a bit as he said his name. "Pleasure meeting you too." you replied and smiled at the sweet boy.

"If there was you wouldn't come with us because you need to rest. I see you were careless again." Of course Nanami was the one to notice your bandages first and of course he would say the oh so logical thing.

"I wasn't being careless, thank you very much." you snapped at him. There he stood in this stupid suit with that stupid look that made you want to cry. Because stupid Nanami was always being so caring. And you hated it. "Just a fight with a special grade. Which I beat anyway."

"Another special grade?" Gojo spoke up, trying to shift the topic. "There are really many these days."

"You accepted a mission with a special grade? Are you mad? You are still not recovered from last year!" Nanami sighed which made you even more mad.

"I think I can estimate if I'm recovered or not."

"Okay, my sweet coworkers!" Gojo raised his hands. "Maybe we should postpone this conversation to another time! Because our Yuji here-" he pointed at the boy who was a bit lost. "Has to train!"

"Alright, alright I'm going." you muttered turning to the door. But before you could reach it, Nanami was already there holding it open for you.

And you knew he noticed your struggle on your way in.

And by his look he knew you knew.

"Welcome at jujutsu high, Yuji." you said while locking eyes with Nanami. "It's a bit hard sometimes but don't lose your goal. Don't forget why we are doing this."

With that you stepped outside. Never looking back at the guilty look in his eyes.

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You hated Kento Nanami ever since he left.

He didn't know it of course, but that day he broke your heart. And maybe it was childish but for you it was more than just a heartbreak, for you it was betrayal.

You were so convinced that both of you fought for the same purpose, for lives that couldn't fight. And you thought he was just as convinced as you. But he wasn't. He left.

And then he came back.

Just like that. Came back and worked like nothing happened. Raised to Grade 1 just like you. And like nothing ever happened.

You couldn't stand the sight of him.

And you do give him credit, to come back was obviously not easy. Probably it was really hard. And he did good work, he was a really good jujutsu sorcerer.

It was just so hard to look at him.

He wanted to make things right with you, you weren't stupid enough to not notice that. Every time you were at Shoko's and he knew, he sent you flowers and the first times he even tried to visit. Emphasis on 'tried' you never let him in.

You hated it that he still knew what your favorite flowers were.

You hated it that he still cared. Oh he cared so much. And maybe he also knew. Knew, that you still cared too.

Because even with that much hatred you knew, you never really hated him. You just hated that he left. And you couldn't accept that he was back again.

You were back at your apartment in no time. And you hated it but you collapsed onto your couch with exhaustion you repressed the whole day.

Shoko was right. Nanami was right.

You are still not recovered from last year. The night parade of a Hundred Demons.

It was embarrassing for you. How bad you have been beaten by the loads of curses. You were careless, like always others would say, and didn't protect your back. You still have a scar even after Shoko's help.

And he had saved you. Even setting the record of four consecutive black flashes while doing it, which seemed like a mockery of destiny.

Because Nanami Kento was so careful at work.

You groaned and fell asleep.

And when you woke up the next day there were new flowers outside and a card written by him.

Get well soon and don't overdo it again.

-Kento

The flowers were your favorite.

Your marriage was arranged, the two of you didn't share much and by all means you didn't see him at all because of his work. You slept in different rooms and didn't give in to the pressure of your clans for an heir.

Satoru wasn't a bad husband. He was just a stranger.

But you didn't blame him for freezing up at the sight of the divorce papers.

Because honestly? For you, divorce was social suicide. Your clan would never forgive you. If it was that easy, you wouldn't have had to marry him in the first place.

"What does this mean?" he just came back from work, earlier than usual, still in his sorcerer uniform. He took of his blindfold, his blue eyes inspecting the paper. His white hair fell in his face making you want to brush it behind his ear.

God, you hated yourself for this.

Satoru looked at you with these eyes and for the first time you saw actual hurt in them. There was none when you stopped him on your wedding night, telling him you weren't ready for sex, none when you slept in a different room.

Because he knew what this divorce meant for you. Dishonor to your family. Most likely getting disowned.

"I want a divorce, Satoru."

He went quiet again. His eyes going back to the paper.

To be honest, you never thought of divorcing him when you were newly wed. Not just because of the consequences but also because Satoru was never bad to you. He was even really kind for someone forced into this.

But then you saw her.

It was a usual Clan meeting with several little and big sorcerer clans. She stood close to him, he seemed more comfortable than he was ever with you. You didn't even know her name. Didn't know anything about how he felt towards her. But you saw the way they looked at each other. How she giggled at his words.

You didn't think Satoru was cheating on you. And that was the thing. With you in the picture he would never be able to get with who he really wants.

You couldn't stand a life with a man who would slowly start to despise you because you ruined his life.

"Why?" his voice was small, hoarse. He didn't look at you, his eyes onnly focused on the papers, on the word 'divorce'.

"It's for the best." you stood up to make yourself a cup of tea.

"For the best?!" a strained laugh left his lips. "What do you mean?"

"Please, Satoru." you tried to calm him but you saw him shaking his head.

"Stop it, I can demand an explanation when you are practically saying you would rather be disowned than be married to me. Just tell me what I did!" his voice got louder, making your frame flinch.

"Why does it matter?" the picture of her was in your head. You didn't know why.

"Why does it matter? Are you serious?"

"Yes, why?" you paused, scoffing. "It's not like we married because of love."

He went quiet after that.

No, you did know why you thought of her. Because you were jealous. Jealous, that another girl got to talk to Satoru Gojo more than his wife. Jealous and insecure because you did want to know him.

"Why are you saying that?" his voice hoarse and suddenly much closer to you.

"It's true. You don't love me so why stay married?" you muttered as you stirred the hot water.

"Stop saying that." his head dropped on your shoulder. "Please."

You froze. The feeling of his head overwhelming you.

"I know it's hard for you, I've met your family b-but-" a sniffle. "But I really am trying to make it work. I thought it was okay for you. I thought you were okay."

Satoru was crying.

Satoru was crying.

You kept silent, overwhelmed by his reaction, by everything right know.

"Please just tell me."

Silence.

"Is it because of my work?"

"No, it's not." your voice was muffled.

"Is it..." he paused. "Because you found someone else?"

Your eyes widened at his words, suddenly speechless.

"Is it? Is that why you are saying all that stuff? I understand, but please just be honest-"

You couldn't help it you started laughing. And you knew it was cruel, Satoru was crying on your shoulder, but the situation of him thinking you loved someone else was just so absurd to you.

"Me?" You shook your head softly your laughter suddenly dying. "No."

"Then what-?" he stepped back collapsing into a chair. "Please just tell me." he repeated his voice breaking at the end.

"It's just-" you sighed, trying to relax your suddenly stiff body. "I don't want to keep you away from your happiness."

"What?!" his voice was loud again, making you focus on your cup of tea again. After he saw you flinching again, he lowered his voice trying to stay calm. "What do you mean by that?"

"You know."

"I don't."

"That meeting a couple months ago, I saw."

"What did you see?"

"Saw how you looked at her."

God, you wanted to die. It was so hard to speak right now. Every word felt like torture.

"And I don't want to stand between the two of you, just because you were forced into this."

Satoru kept silent after that. You felt his gaze burning into your head as you looked down at your tea.

"So please, just get it over with." you sniffed. Shit, when did the tears come?

Satoru stood up again, making his way over to you. And as he stood there, looking too into your tea, his arms slowly wrapped around you.

"I don't even like her."

"What?" you looked up, his face was suddenly only a couple of breaths away.

"I don't. And if that's the reason why you want to divorce me, could you please talk to me before falling into a overthinking spiral? You're torturing me here."

You blinked at him, stunned by the realization.

"If you really are unhappy with me I would understand, I would prefer to fix things, but I would understand. But I won't divorce you because of your self sacrificing tendencies."

You blinked at him again, starting to blush out of embarrassment. Shit, was this a big misunderstanding?

"You sure you really don't like her?"

"Yeah. I've got another crush you know." he sighed, his voice still strained from the crying. "She is really pretty but really hard to figure out even though I'm married to her."

Now you really blushed, your eyes widening more than you thought was possible. "What?"

"Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing really." he took your cup of tea and placed it on the counter next to you, to pull you really into him. "I have this big crush on my wife, how do I tell her?"

You were malfunctioning as he layed his head on your shoulder again, this time not out of frustration but because of the desire to be as close as possible. His whole frame hugging you.

"She has this soothing voice and pretty smile, but I hardly get to see her and I don't want to make her uncomfortable."

"Satoru, what-"

"And she keeps this distance, I don't know what to do because I want to get to know her for real, you know? Want her to like me and you know."

You felt a soft smile.

"Want her to ask for cuddles when I get back from a long mission. Or even better a ki-"

"Satoru are you drunk?" you were red and hot, you felt it.

He was grinning as he looked up, but there was something so vulnerable in it. "No, I'm not. I just-"

He sighed. "I don't want a divorce. And maybe it's selfish of me, but I want to know you. And I want you to know me."

You held you breath after that. And after a bit of hesitation you did wrap your arms around him too.

"Me too."

His arms held you tighter after that. "You don't want a divorce?"

"You aren't divorcing me?"

"No."

Guess that divorce wasn't happening.

"This season is so much less cringe, I'm shocked..." Satoru's hand was in the chips bowl, his eyes fixated on your TV.

The only light in the living room was the soft lighting from your kitchen and the TV, the majority was dark. It was already past midnight. Normally you would be asleep, but today was special. It should have been special.

"Ginny could still be nicer to Maxine tho..." Satoru ate another potato chip while holding the bowl towards you, offering you some nonverbal.

"Yeah..." you didn't look at the screen. You looked at him.

Because today should have been the night you were finally ready.

But you weren't.

"They are all so mentally ill-"

"Satoru." you muttered. "I'm sorry."

He finally looked at you. His eyes so gentle you wanted to cry. Oh wait... Were you already crying? "I wanted to tonight. I really did, I-" a hiccup. "I really did."

"Shhh..." his arms wrapped around you, embracing your quivering form. "It's okay, we don't have to hurry, we have time."

"Are you sure?" you knew that question wasn't fair. It was a silent cry, a fear of him being dissatisfied and leaving you. A subtle ask of his honesty. Because your insecurities won in this very moment.

"I am." a soft kiss on your temple. "I am sure we have all the time in the world to enjoy. So why should we hurry and forget to enjoy it?"

A subtle 'I won't leave you.'

"Did you find that on Pinterest?" you sniffed.

"Hey, why can't you believe in my honest mind?" Satoru said, a playful offended undertone in his voice. His arms gently pushing you back and forth.

"Because I see your reposts." you tried to get out of his arms, while he stayed right where he was. "Let me go!"

"Omg, you're so clingy, let go of me!" Satoru gasped while he pushed you more and more. "I can't breathe because of you!"

"Satoru!" your arms now holding onto his body tightly so he couldn't push you anymore.

And as he looked at you he smiled softly because you were laughing again. He leaned forward, his forehead against yours.

Sukuna was stubborn.

You knew that but you stil thought he would leave the sleeping deprivation matter go. Yeah, maybe you yawned a lot, but was that really so irritating?

He obviously thought so.

Sukuna always looked so frustrated at you. And maybe he had a right to. He caught you a couple of times sleeping in the library. He woke you up after the first time. A scowl was always present when you blinked up at him.

"It's not that bad." you reassured him, hoping he wouldn't dig into the matter. But you knew that wouldn't satisfy him.

And still. He let you sleep after that. The times after that you weren't woken up when you fell asleep in the library. But you always woke up in your chamber.

The maids didn't stop. No, they were having fun with tormenting you now, with stealing your sleep. Sometimes knocking your door down at 2 am and leaving when you woke up. Waking you up with water splashing your face, while cleaning your room without speaking.

You wanted to act, do something. Anything to finally sleep.

You wanted to kill them. But not enough to tell Sukuna.

So things changed.

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"Don't you have better things to do?" you muttered while picking at your lunch.

And Sukuna that little shit (he was in fact not little) smirked at you while taking a sip of his drink.

"I don't think so."

The King of Curses was unpredictable. You still didn't understand why he let you live, why he laughed at the village that threw you away, why he burned them down. No, you didn't dare try to predict his actions. But still. This was unusual.

The last week he was uncharacteristically nice. Attentive. Present. Almost clingy?

He didn't just dine with you, he ate breakfast and lunch with you too. Sukuna made sure to take at least one stroll with you through his garden. Made sure the food you ate was to your liking.

Made sure you got everything you needed.

You didn't understand. It wasn't like there was something missing. It wasn't like the palace of him wasn't giving you everything.

You just wanted to rest. But even with the king of curses right next to you on your stroll it didn't feel like you could relax. There was still that haunting feeling of being watched, being judged by them.

There were only Sukuna, you and Uraume in the dine room as you ate lunch. And still you felt tense.

"Why did you move me to a different chamber?" you tried to raise your voice but you were so exhausted.

Sukuna gave Uraume a quick glance before he spoke. And that kind of fucked with you. "You still have sleeping problems right? Something with your neck?"

You cleared your throat. "It wouldn't call it a problem." you paused for a second. "And it got better." A lie.

"Well, problem or not, I've decided to gift you a new bed. Something better to rest in." Sukuna's eyes examined your tired posture as he spoke. "And more stable. You never know."

You hated how hot you felt suddenly. How you knew he knew from his smirk.

"But was a new chamber necessary?" your voice was much more thinner than before.

"Might as well. Why, do you not like it?"

"No, I do! I just... Don't see why."

"Then just accept it as a gift."

"You are really generous, my lord. It's not even my birthday."

There was it again. The awkward silence. It had gotten a more rare visitor over the last week, but it still somehow made its way into your interactions. Sukuna wasn't someone you could normally talk to over long time. Who could? He was the king of curses.

"Is that important to you?" his gaze was lowered now, not exactly avoiding you but still not meeting yours.

"What is?" you pushed your empty plate away from you.

"Birthdays."

You blinked at him. "I... Guess."

He seemed a bit tense now. "Why?"

"Well, it's a tradition, a celebration of ones birth. And I like to celebrate my existence, that's why I like to think that day is mine." you let out a small chuckle. "But it's not that important I guess. It's just a day to feel good for me."

He nodded. That tall man with four arms nodded and seemed so human to you in this moment.

"Do you not like birthdays, my lord?"

He glanced at you. "I never celebrated one."

Your eyes widened. "What, why?"

At that he looked up at you with an ironic smile and there was the Sukuna you knew. The one you saw the first time you met. "Do you really think someone celebrated the birth of the king of curses?"

You didn't know what to say. Now you felt a bit stupid to ask such a question. You looked at the man in front of you and asked yourself how his parents had reacted to him. What happened to him?

"Don't pity me, I like being feared." he smirked while saying that.

"Do you know when your birthday is?"

"Pfff- no why would I? I just don't see a reason."

"Well, if you say so. But I think you would like it. I like the feeling of having a day filled with gifts and appreciation. And it doesn't have to be that, just a day in which one treats themselves." you muttered.

Sukuna glanced at Uraume again.

"When is your birthday?"

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It was in the afternoon when you strolled through the garden with Sukuna. He didn't say a word just slowly walked beside you, keeping you company. That was nice.

The garden was really beautiful, something you didn't expect from the king of curses. That he would have a beautiful and healthy garden seemed almost ironic when you thought about your burned village.

The soft breeze was refreshing and for the first time you were relaxed.

The maids didn't matter right now. Your tired body was just enjoying the gentle sounds of nature and the company of that tall man.

Sukuna watched you while you were looking at his flowers. And honestly you didn't mind. His staring started to flatter you, almost made you feel safe as long he was watching.

But that didn't mean you always liked it.

"Do you like Forget me Nots?" it was the first time you started a conversation on your little trip through the garden.

"Like is a strong word." It really wasn't. But for Sukuna it was. "They are pretty."

He was quiet. Looked down at you sitting before the flowers. He stared into your eyes and then back at the flowers. Then he cleared his throat.

"I guess I like the quietness in them. In flowers in general. And still some of them have thorns or other ways to keep dangers away."

You smiled at them. "And they are pretty?"

"And they are pretty."

You couldn't help but think of what he said when he first saw you. How he had called you a pretty flower. Was it just some dumb saying or was it something-

Crack!

You flinched at the sudden sound and turned around to see where it was coming from. It came from near a tree the ones near the entrance of the palace.

And then a small peeping sound, almost like cries.

You walked near to see a small bird laying on the ground, unable to spread his wings.

"A Shima-enaga." Sukuna spoke from behind you. "Probably broke his wing."

"Poor thing." you mumbled while leaning down.

"Just the circle of nature. Happens all the time." he raised his hand. "I can put it out of his misery if you want?"

"No!" you turned to him a bit fast taking him by surprise. "It can heal, can it not?"

"I guess I could heal it with reversed cursed technique." he raised an eyebrow and almost seemed sad he didn't get to kill it.

You watched the small white fluffy bird. Watched as it peeped at you so helplessly.

"Can I take care of it?" you slowly pushed one finger against it, helping it to stand up.

"If you want to. But I could just heal it."

"I like to have the feeling of deciding over ones life. And it's cute. I would like to keep it."

Sukuna just smirked at that. He knew that feeling all to well. And since he first met you he knew you liked it too.

And who was he to deny you your wishes?

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Thank you again for your interest, I am very happy and grateful for all your nice reviews! The taglist is open for the next part if someone is interested!

Satoru is one of the sweetest people you know.

He brings you flowers, makes you laugh, he even knows your favorite color. And he isn't shy to tell you how he feels.

He smiles when he asks you: "How is my pretty lady, doing?"

And you feel so horrible, because you do like him! It's just the timing.

It's been two months since you broke up with your boyfriend. Well honestly he broke up with you. It wasn't even messy just two people growing apart from each other. And he just didn't see a life with you anymore and you didn't either.

But you're still hurt. Still scared.

Scared of the butterflies, scared of watching the flowers welk over time, scared of getting undressed again, getting hurt again.

Scared to see the glint dim in those eyes again.

Satoru is a friend of a friend. You met him at a party, right after your break up. Shoko brought you with her, telling you to forget about your 'ass of an ex'.

But you didn't feel comfortable because you weren't even mad at your ex. You didn't want to drink your problems away, you wanted to take time. And when Satoru approached you, you were honestly not feeling well.

Satoru noticed.

He didn't press, didn't push just made light conversation. Asked for your name, your major, your interests, without making it too pushy, without making it too flirty.

Since then he slowly slipped into your everyday life, after one month he asked for your phone number with a smile. And you did give it to him.

And now he brings you flowers every sunday.

Today is sunday.

Satoru is sweet, even when you're not. Even when you search for distance, he doesn't make you feel crazy, he pulls back, he gives you space. When you start crying he isn't overwhelming, he knows the routine by now, he knows what to say and what not to say.

But his flowers scare you. They welk. Every sunday the old ones are completely dead.

"It's a waste of money you know." you say as he shows up again with a new bouquet of flowers. Their beauty trying to replace the old.

"They just welk. They are a pretty at first, but they get exhausted over time."

He is silent at first. But then he smiles that sweet sweet smile at you. "Why not dry them? You can keep a book with them between the pages. Of memories of me, your handsome and charming Satoru."

He winks while putting the new bouquet in a vase, while taking the old flowers out of it. He gently puts them on a towel.

"Just because they change doesn't mean they aren't pretty. Change isn't always bad."

Is it?

"I don't want you to keep spending so much money. I feel like I'm robbing you." you watched him as he took a book and opened it. Putting paper towels on the pages and putting one flower into at. Then he gently closed the book, putting over books on top.

"You're not robbing me, sweetheart. I love bringing you flowers. A different bouquet every time, for a new week." he looks up from the books with a quiet hum. "You can take the flower out of the book later and use new paper towels and a flat iron to speed up the process. Then it should be perfect."

"It's not just the flowers." you were mumbling.

"I'm stealing your time, Satoru."

You weren't ready. His eyes have that glint that scare you. You are scared to lose that image of you. One day he will also realize how you really are. One day he will also not be able to see a future with you. And you are not ready to get attached again. You are not ready to see the flowers welk again.

Satoru is so sweet. So cruelly sweet that even now he looks at you like he understands. Like he wants you to steal his time, no share his time with him.

"You're not. I know what I am doing."

"Then stop." you look away, tears are starting to come up. "I'm just not- I don't want to disappoint you."

"It's okay, I won't be mad at how you feel."

Tears are falling from your stupid eyes. "You don't get, Satoru, I don't think it's healthy for you to be so close to me. You are so nice, so-" hiccup "You are so sweet to me and I feel so bad because-"

"You do not owe me love."

You look back at him and through your blurry view you can see how he still smiles at you. A gentle quiet smile.

"I didn't bring you flowers to buy your love, I brought them to make you feel special. I want to make you smile again." he pauses and now it's his time to look away. "Because I like you."

"And it's okay if you don't like me back. If I make you uncomfortable with that I will respect that and try to get over you. But one thing is important to me."

He stops and another hiccup leaves your lips.

"Do you not like me? Or is it something else?"

And you completely break down. You cry and it's not pretty. While sniffing you somehow cry out words. "It's not that! I don't-" you huff for air.

"I do like you, Satoru. But I am not -" the overwhelming feeling is too much and you stop again.

"I'm scared. I'm not ready yet."

You turn away and try to calm yourself but the tears keep going, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of abandonment after your break up on your mind.

You heard Satoru standing up and slowly approaching you. His presence behind you noticeable but not pushing.

"That's okay. We don't have to be in a relationship. Not now."

You glance at him, seeing his sweet eyes, eyes with that glint.

"But you don't have to push me away. I understand your fear and I don't expect you to overcome it immediately. But I want to help you on that journey. I want to be there for you until you are ready. Until you feel comfortable."

His voice stutters. "If you want me to."

Satoru was sweet. The sweetest person you knew, he showed you compassion even then when he didn't have to. He was there for you in a time when it didn't bring him immediately into your arms. But that was okay for him. Because he wanted to.

"I would like that." you muttered as you tried to dry your eyes, but tears where still falling. "But only if your patience allows it. I don't want to hurt you."

He gently lifts his arm, stops before your face as if he was asking. As you blinked at him he started to dry your cheeks for you.

"Then I will be here. Because I want to."

Satoru and you weren't a couple. But he was the most important person for you, your rock helping you with not drowning in your fear. Wounds don't just disappear. But they can be treated.

Satoru and you may not be a couple yet, but you were just starting.