Hello

The small encouragements go a long ways for me. Thankful to be surrounded by people who really believe in me.

We always have a seat at the Lords table —Even in the midst of war.

James 1:2-5

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

This season has been so tough mentally. I haven’t experienced anything like this before. It’s subtle and intense at the same time. I would be lying if I said I was thankful for this season. At this very moment at work my thought is exactly “I want this season to end.” But I know that’s instant gratification that I’m used to. I know it takes time for You to mold and release me from this. This verse is something I really need to remind myself of. In another version, it says “count it all as blessing” referring to trials. It’s a blessing to be able to grow — To have the opportunity to grow and come out of something, but I am so tired.

I feel like I woke up, and realized that I am not the person I want be. It’s like I was in a cryochamber for a few years lol. It’s hard to realize you’re something you don’t want to be— unstable, insatiable, sinful. There’s a dark part of me that understands why someone would want to leave the earth. I would never entertain the idea, but this season has showed me a different side of my mind. I honestly hurt so much when I hear news stories of someone taking their own life because there is a little part of me that gets it.

What's wrong? Today, there was nothing to be sad about, but I was. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Or the fact that all my patients were just straight being dicks. But there was nothing out of the ordinary. Sigh. So, what is it? Maybe I am basing it off my own understanding and my own wisdom too much. How do I do this faithfulness thing? How do I be a better man of God when I only hear silence. What do I do with that?

I’m lacking someone who challenges me, calls me out on my bullshit, pushes me to be a better human being.

I’ve felt so stagnant these past few years. And I thought it was cause I was not disciplined enough, or not doing enough. Because at one point in my life if I said I would do something, it would get done. But really I think it’s cause I haven’t been surrounding myself with people that have a growth mindset.

It’s crazy cause I’ve ALWAYS said that you are the people you surround yourself with. And if I only surround myself with my relationship (which is long distance anyway), and I keep estranging myself from people who want to build a relationship with me then I’m not in an environment that forces me to grow.

I heard on a reel “You’re not healing to better deal with trauma, fear, anxiety and depression. You’re familiar with those. You’re healing to be able to handle joy, and to accept happiness back in your life.”

A couple of posts ago, I wrote something like “I kinda like being sad.” At the time, it made sense to me because I felt like the months leading up to that I wasn’t feeling anything. So feeling sad felt almost like a nice change of pace. But feeling sad is something that I always have been familiar with. It’s that “low humming” that I remember feeling as a teenager and even younger.

What I come to realize now, is that maybe I have this aversion to feeling happy. Like maybe there a fucked up part of me that is scared of being happy so I default back to being sad. It was an epiphany that hit me kinda hard while driving today.

I’ve been wrestling with myself. I’ve been wrestling with the Lord. I have no other way of explaining but it is so intense. It’s like something is nudging me constantly. Like all day. There is something that is needing to change and I feel it deep inside my bones. I don’t know what the outcome of this is supposed to be. I think I’m trying to make room to actually be happy? I don’t know. There’s a lot of programming in my body that I am fighting against so it’s hard.

4/18-22/26

Kinda reflecting on the past few days. A lot of ups and some downs. But I think overall I am on this up trend.

Saturday was cool. Got to go to movie night, and the double feature was solid. ‘Singing in the rain’ and ‘Sound of Metal’. Glad I got to see the latter because my nephew was recommending that to me.

On Sunday, Kelly and I went to church in the morning. Really good sermon and the worship team killed it. It’s nice to play at a church where no matter the configuration of the team, I know it’s gonna be good. So much talent at this church.

I was talking to Manny and just catching up after church. I briefly mentioned my move next month, and he was saying how he wants to help. I kinda was about to shrug that off and be like yeah for sure. But once I told him I was getting movers, he like started going in on me lol. He started with “don’t get the movers, and just tell me when and I’ll gather up the squad. Just get a truck. You can just feed us to pay us back.” I do this thing where I say okay knowing in the back of my mind I’m still gonna get the movers. Manny stares at me and says “get the truck dude. I’m serious.” I say “okay” and we literally do that banter 10 times. I’m not even kidding. He was really trying to let me know he’s there to help. Am I going to take his offer? Prolly not hahaha. I’m just committed to using the movers cause it’s paid for already. But that conversation really stuck with me for reason. I think there’s just relief in know people are willing to help.

Monday was a lot of ups and downs. Found a nail in my tire and had to get that fixed. Thank God it didn’t cost anything. While I was waiting, Kelly and I got into an argument. We just aren’t hearing each other. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that. Other than that Monday was meant to be a real packing day. Danielle coincidentally asked what I was doing that day and when she found out I was packing she invited herself over to help me pack. And she brought boxes. Honestly, a blessing. We packed a lot. Surprisingly, packing is like her hidden talent. But I vented a lot to her. And just saying some of this shit out loud was so helpful for that day.

The past few days have been healing to me in different ways. Just coming back to know that I am not alone and I do have people that care about me in this world. Why do I forget that?

- my relationship with the church. Like my trauma based around it

-my problem with lust

I had lunch with Justan today. He’s been more intentional with trying to build a relationship with me and I appreciate it so much. We talked about some tensions within the church. Somewhere in my mind I thought Quest was the perfect church and everyone got along. But it really is just like any other place. People are just people. It makes me sad a little bit. Sometimes I rather be naive to all of it. But I always find myself getting closer to the people that are a part of the behind the scenes for some reason lol so I end up getting intel. Quest is like any other church, but the people in our church are really great and that is what really matters. The body of Christ is not solely the building where church is held, but the Church are the people who come together. I have to remember that.

When I wake up, I want to feel energized, focused and clear. I want clear direction and purpose.

A good day is when I can hang out with friends/ family, read, workout and play music.

I can do all those things. There is PLENTY of time to do that.

Better late than never.

This year took me longer to figure this out cause I was in such a fog late last year and early this year.

The Goals:

Build existing and new relationships.

Read the bible more.

Get more involved with community.

Be vulnerable

I realized how important community and being social is to my mental health. I think I isolated myself more than I ever have the past few months, and I felt it hit me more earlier this year. I want to be more vulnerable throughout all of this. I hold so much inside that it manifests itself in crazy ways. All of this feels full circle because the way I am feeling is so similar to when I was in PTA school and so intentional about getting to know people. Those were really good times from what I remember.

I saw a reel and this couple said something like “true love is letting the other person see the unfinished parts of you.” I thought that was kinda beautiful. I think for the longest time, I have always thought that you had to be the best version of yourself when getting into a relationship — like 2 puzzles pieces coming to together. Maybe in some aspects that still has to be true, but at least in my mind, it implied perfection. No one is going to be absolutely perfect. But we should always be striving to be a little bit better each day. We aren’t going to be the same person if we do that. Jesus tells us to come as we are — the imperfect, flawed, sinful people we are meant to be. And he loves us anyway.

Suddenly, I feel sorry and regretful because sometimes I make judgement of people who “don’t have it all together.” And now that I am thinking of it, when someone would admit something like how they messed up or something, I remember getting a feeling of “I wish I could just be that open about my mess ups.” I think I’m so scared of failure that now I’m so used to putting up this front that everything is fine. But I’m realizing that being vulnerable is another way of showing love.

A few things going on lately that I need to address.

I feel like I am coming out of this seasonal depression. As soon as warm weather came out, I suddenly feel a little bit better. Apparently, I was stressed cause now I have alopecia and this random bald spot on the back of my head appeared. Thank God for telehealth. So hopefully this medicine will help.

Justan and I had a nice talk yesterday at church. It really started as a check in, but quickly shifted to a more serious talk. I realize I have more reservations about my relationship than I thought. and I make myself so isolated when there are people who want to build a relationship with me. I was crying during our talk. It felt really vulnerable. but tbh I dont think I would have said anything if this was me a couple years ago. I am so ashamed and guilty about this front I put up every day. It's deeper than that, I think. I still hold on to the guilt from that time. Justan recommended that I see a Christian counselor. It sounds like a good idea. I'm interested but nervous about that. I have to think about it.

Lately, so many signs and talks of Christianity around me. It’s even in at work now. I’ve always been so good at separating all the facets and groups in my life, but they seem to be merging. I can’t help but see these signs and these feelings as a message from the Lord.

I have such a love / hate relationship with guitar lately. I had such a bad time playing at church a couple weeks ago. It really bothered me for some reason. I think it was because I felt like I prepared a lot and knew I had it under my hands, but I was really in my head that day. Its so frustrating to feel like I have something down, but the performance anxiety takes over. It was simple stuff, man. There was a point where I felt like I can play on any stage, but days like that I am like yeah this is the difference between great guitar players and good ones.

Nonetheless, it lit a fire under me. I admit, I haven't been spending as much time with the guitar as I should like outside of practicing for church, and it's most likely created a disconnect between me and the guitar from that.