beanie

fuck it whoever still follows this blog ive had this shit since 2013. my PMDD is at its tail end now and im in an indignant mood, and i have no real way to talk to my younger self, wish i could, but i just wanna reach out and say i finally cutoff my abusive mom for good, over a year ago. i told her fuck you over the phone and that she wasn't welcome to my wedding. fuck that dumb MAGA cunt. i got married, to a fucking WOMAN because im A FUCKING RAGING HOMO LETS GOOOO. and ive got tattoos now. i turn 30 in less than 2 years daft punk rules forever things do get better this blog will probably remain [semi] unactive

and yes you DO get the plastic surgery to fix your neck, no it doesnt look like that because you're fat, its just genetics, fuck you Sharon (mother) for telling an undiagnosed autistic teenage girl she was fat and ugly and needed to lose more weight (nothing wrong with being fat! i just simply wasnt fat. losing weight at the time would've actually made me underweight. but ive got a genetically prominent platysma [neck muscle] that makes my neck large and my profile soft and not defined. biggest insecurity my whole life, literally. been trying to bring it up to any adult who would listen and was shot down about it constantly, told i was just fat by my mother)

fuck you for raising me to be attractive and pleasing soley for mens' gaze fuck you for telling me my future husband wouldnt like that i "didnt shave my legs" fuck you for not believing me when i came out as bi intially and telling me it was just a phase. i have a hot wife now and we have hot gay sex all the time, i hope that disgusts you, you fucking bigoted prick. and FUCK YOU for not accepting her fucking transition and telling us that we were "brainwashed liberals" she's amazing and she takes care of me and NEVER makes me feel bad about the way i am, ever.

and FUCK YOU for having me SLEEP IN THE BED WITH YOU at 13 YEARS OLD and TEND TO YOU EMOTIONALLY after my dad moved out. I HAVE FUCKING INCESTUOUS NIGHTMARES NOW YOU FUCKING BITCH, THAT'S CALLED ENMESHMENT AND WHAT YOU DID WAS SEXUAL ABUSE. FUCK. YOU.

and i have a fantastic fucking relationship with my dad now. we get meals together frequently and spend time together and go on trips. he loves my wife. hes not perfect, he makes mistakes, but hes emotionally aware and listens to me and takes care of me and he loves me. i hope that makes you fucking jealous. fuck you for trying to turn me against him during the divorce.

that's all. just remember, don't keep running after her. she doesn't love you in the way you need it. she never changes. she only gets worse. you'll always miss her. memories in the mid 2000's listening to fergie or whatever in that stupid red mercedes with her. matching outfits with her. you were born so much later than your older siblings so you could be her accessory. her doll. attach only to her. she probably secretly liked that you had trouble making friends because that just meant you were more attached to her. and she hurt you, over and over and over again. you were vunerable and lonely, and she took advantage of that.

somewhere out there in the universe, there is a version of me as a little girl being loved and embraced by her mother, sharing interests with her instead of being ignored or belittled for them, allowed to form her own identity instead of encourged to be a mini-Sharon. taught with gentle patience and understanding by her when ADHD was hard enough on me, instead of blood-curding shrieking into the night at a 1st grader in hysterics and asking her what was wrong with her, why couldn't she be like her siblings.

i sit here at nearly 6 am with my head in my hands wondering why the fuck you would bring such a gentle, loving, eager to please little girl into this world just to rip her to shreds. you saying "i was doing what i was taught/i was still treated worse as a child" does nothing for me. i will not be treating my children this way, and they won't have to know you, either.