remount paul was dissociating through this whole number
Jules of Nature
ojovivo
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
RMH
Monterey Bay Aquarium
art blog(derogatory)
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One Nice Bug Per Day
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trying on a metaphor
cherry valley forever

pixel skylines
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we're not kids anymore.

if i look back, i am lost
hello vonnie

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@b0ku7o
remount paul was dissociating through this whole number

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“Shane fuck Shane help we fucked up, we lost Ilya, I swear he was here one second ago and now-“
“Haas, where are you right now?”
“The club by the hotel.”
“And he’s not in the bathroom?”
“No.”
“Not on the roof?”
“No.”
“Not trying to access any of the dancers poles?”
“What? Why would- Oh, Troy says no.”
“Is he hanging out with drunk girls in the women’s bathroom?”
“Umm, one sec. Harris, can you ask her if Ilya is in there? … Harris says no.”
“Ok. What were you talking about before he disappeared?”
“We were trying to figure out where to eat.”
“Did anyone bring up sushi?”
“He didn’t say he wanted-“
“Just answer the question.”
“Uh yeah, someone suggested it, but he said he wanted-“
“He’s at the pier.”
“What?”
“He got bored, sushi put fish on his brain, which made him think about water, and he likes going to piers, and the hotel is walking distance from a boardwalk by the water. He’s there, most likely trying to look at fish going under the dock.”
“… How do you know that?”
“Do you have any ideas how many times I have gotten this exact phone call? He’s easier to catch if you bait him with mozzarella sticks but make sure he knows he only gets them if he comes quietly. If you let him negotiate he will take the sticks and run. Cliff always fell for that.”
Ilya is the white woman who rescues "kitties" and "puppies" from the sides of roads only to bring them to vets who go "this is a mountain lion/coyote/cougar/lynx pup" and on one occasion that Shane will never let him live down "this is a bear cub".
Shane has the nearest wildlife sanctuaries/rehabs at the Cottage and in Ottawa on speed dial. They're on a first name basis with Ilya and most of them don't even know Ilya or Shane play hockey they're just "the Russian with the white woman animal whispering powers and his long suffering husband"
The thing about the Cottage is that yes they are making love. Yes they are saying the most emotionally vulnerable shit that they have ever said to another living person. Yes they are going at it missionary style bathed in moonlight and calling each other baby about it.
They are also, crucially, having the filthiest and nastiest sex that two guys in their twenties with an extremely willing monogamous partner can think up. Things are WILD. They are Yes And'ing each other in ways that they are legit going to have to process by sitting quietly alone in a room for an entire day at some point in the future.
They're going at it raw, of course. Ilya is spitting in his mouth and making Shane thank him for the privilege, then calling him a slut when he does. Shane is letting Ilya chase him through the woods. He's wrapping Ilya's fingers around his neck and begging while Ilya tightens his grip. Ilya decides at one point that if Shane can't come on his cock alone then he doesn't get to come. Shane doesn't receive oral a single time at the Cottage without having to swallow his own cum. Ilya walks around with a piece of gauze on his forearm because Shane bit him and drew blood. Ilya fucks Shane with his nose way up inside Shane's armpit the entire time, huffing and licking. Ilya comes on Shane's face in the shower and Shane is so far down and loves the feeling of being marked so much that he asks Ilya to piss on him. Shane is never more than two minutes away from having Ilya's tongue or dick in one of his holes, no warning given aside from a command to spread his legs or get on his knees.
It's a fucking tour de force of debauchery. And this, too, is lovemaking.
whenever ilya gets too drunk people call shane. shane comes in and nudges ilya and ilya drapes himself onto shane and looks at him all dopey.
“you are here” “of course i am” “shane hollander is taking me home” “shane hollander-rozanov is taking you home” “shane hollander takes my last name” “yes he did. do you want to come home with him?” “i’ll go anywhere shane hollander goes” “okay then let’s go home baby”
ilya drunkenly smiles and babbles to anyone that listens that his husband is taking him home. his husband shane hollander-rozanov. did he mention shane was his husband? did he mention shane took his last name? and shane would find it cute if ilya wasn’t wiggling all over the place and make it very difficult for him to take home.

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the first time ilya takes shane to the club after they get married, he shaves beforehand, puts on a tight black tank top and sprays himself with his fuckboy cologne from the hookup era. shane is already horny for him even before they leave the house — crucially, he loves fuckboy ilya, because come on, he’s been fucking this man for years when he looked exactly like this.
at the club, ilya buys out the entire dj set to only play 2010s club anthems all night long. he wants to give shane the ultimate 2010s clubbing experience he never had, but also make up for all those nights ilya had to spend dancing and making out with strangers and not the one person he wanted. but now he gets to do all this with his husband! who is delightfully hard for him by the way, because shane finds sleazy club slut ilya absolutely irresistible. ilya is gripping his hips, grinding against him, licking his neck and whispering the dirtiest filth into his ear, and shane gets dizzying butterflies he imagines all those girls got back then. and he isn’t even retroactively jealous, because now his ring is on ilya’s finger, and oh god, he gets to be taken home by ilya rozanov! he gets to have all his attention now and get railed stupid by him later!! in their shared home!!! shane is living his dream life, and ilya is right there with him.
Okay justice for Ilya Rozanov, a man who notably managed his entire families finances and his dementia-having fathers caretaking since he was literally a teenager, while also essentially raising himself to be an elite, generational athlete by himself.
like what is this ‘Ilya needs the threat of a sex ban to pick up his socks’ slander or this ‘Ilya has terrible financial literacy’ misinformation or this ‘Ilya only eats junk food and needs to be forced to eat his veggies’ tomfoolery
I love the idea of Shane being not just good at hockey but good at all sports, to the point where it fascinates and infuriates the other Centaurs
Because what do you mean they went to the batting cages for some silly fun to watch everyone flail at an unfamiliar sport, only for Shane to need three practice swings before figuring out the force and timing needed to start hitting every single pitch? What do you mean he sets the course record at the mini golf place they have the Pike twins birthday at? What do you mean he learned how to play cricket over a long weekend in the UK? What do you MEAN your Canadian ass that grew up on a calm, tiny lake went to visit Rose in LA and just learned to surf from “some guy” one of the days she was busy??
Shane doesn’t get why they all think it’s so crazy. He’s a professional athlete, he’s good at full body and mind control as well as adaptability and hand-eye coordination, and he’s so used to being the best in the world at hockey that he views being mundanely good at anything else as barely noticeable. He argues with Troy over whether he counts as being good at basketball just because he killed them all at the basketball shooting game at a Dave and Buster’s
They all start making bets to see who can find a sport Hollander isn’t good at. Harris is convinced he’ll win with figure skating because Shane’s muscle memory will want to work against him with a technique that’s so similar but also so different, only for Shane to come out of an afternoon learning from his old friend who was at the Olympics with the ability to do simple jumps and spins and is insisting the whole team learn so they can incorporate it into plays. Harris is not allowed to make suggestions after that
Ilya just sits back and lustily watches his husband destroy their friends at volley ball, wrestling, tennis, broom ball, and ultimate frisbee. Shane participates in an all pro athlete Ninja Warrior event to raise money for charity and Ilya can’t watch the clips of Shane flying through the course like a bat out of hell unless he is able to fuck Shane immediately after it ends
simon's brothers
idk guys i dated in russia once and i think that, while ilya wouldnt be into the whole bio-essentialism of it, he would still rlly enjoy being chivalrous. but since #myshane is NAWT interested in having the moves pulled on him (ilya is his baby tyvm mr. business man will be pampering him) he turns it all on yuna.
they’re out to lunch? no mama hollander doesn’t pay when i’m around. she’s trying to leave? no, no, don’t you dare touch that handle yuna. they’re going shopping? mama i trained for this moment, you think it was for stanley cup? wrong, is for bag carrying. yuna is having the boys over for dinner? no no there must be another space on the mantle for this bouquet, we will make space mama.
i think ilya loves to spoil the mama he has, in memory of the mama he doesn’t. and because #myilya just really loves women.
i also think david makes a joke exactly once about ilya trying to steal yuna and yuna shut it down so fast and harshly that ilya a genuinely worried he had caused a rift in their marriage. (it’s because yuna knows. she knows and she loves her son and she cries on david about it later).

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To be clear. Shane's whole thing about Ilya being a Sex God is because of the limerence. Ilya is nineteen and he can get a rhythm going and that's about it. He was throwing shit at the wall when he hit that 'Get on your knees' in Nashville but only he knows that because Shane's brain turned OFF. Ilya said "Let's do a little experiment here" and the results were "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." Shane came hands free because he was that obsessed with the idea of Ilya Rozanov being inside him. Ilya said "Do you like that do you like that" because he's nineteen and he needs the validation and Shane was like "YES YES YES I LIKE IT OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DEEP YOU'RE SO GOOD" and objectively. It was okay. Ilya fully did not know where to put his hands a couple of times. He forgot about Shane's dick. Luckily, Shane is God's special angel who can come from the idea of Ilya's cockhead being in proximity to his prostate a few times. Mind over matter, says Shane Hollander's dick. And then Ilya said "Oh God Hollander" because it was also, objectively, one of the hottest things that had ever happened to HIM, Ilya Rozanov. Shane sits on that step afterwards plotting about how he's gonna get this over and over and over again for the rest of his life and he has no idea that there are women in Boston who have Ilya listed in their contacts as "Hockey Guy 6/10". Shane Hollander cannot fathom a world in which Ilya Rozanov doesn't lay the maddest pipe this side of Lake Michigan. "Ilya Rozanov is a some kind of nineteen year old sex God" No Shane honey he was just designed in a lab to score goals and make you cum and he's done scoring goals for the night.
yuna getting really lovely, thoughtful, sometimes extravagant mothers day and birthday gifts from ilya never really understanding why hes going through all this effort even if she does appreciate it and thinks hes so so sweet for it all, even after the boys tell her and david about ilyas mother and the irina foundation it doesnt fully click for a while. it only comes together on some random day, ilya has a game later that night and he’s had lunch with yuna and david planned for a while and he shows up with the good vodka david likes and this small package of candies that ilya hands to her very shyly for the first time probably in his life, definitely since shes known him, and he explains with shaking hands that they were his mama’s favorite, and it was her birthday today.
yuna feels her heart break a little bit when he tells her that she would have been younger than her, maybe too young for how old her children are considering he had an older brother, but he thought about his mama when he was happy in the hollander home, and wanted to share his mamas favorite candy with the woman who was mama to his favorite person in the world. like they got to meet, in a way. and yuna realizes very suddenly that he does the birthdays and mothers days for both her and irina because she is the closest thing he has to a mother, and she looks at him and realizes with it that he is in some ways still 12, finding his mother, and she has never met a little boy so tall and tired when she pulls him into a hug and doesnt let go till david suggests they get inside for lunch.
hey man. remember how i had a mental breakdown in front of you and got concerningly suicidal yesterday? yeah. on completely unrelated news i just got my period
ok this latest Smosh episode delighted me and this shot was so cute i had to draw it im sorry
He sure does love his fruits
We just not going to talk about how he can also do pottery? With chocolate?
And stickers!
he HAS A not chocolate version of that god damned bowl right there! TAUNTING US, and holding the not pastries kiwis!

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Give me Grace panicking when Simon stands behind him because he's scared of being tackled and pinned down against his will again.
Give me Grace only being comfortable when he's facing Simon head on so he can't sneak up on him.
Give me Grace only being able to cuddle Simon when he's laying flat on his back and can see his hands.
Give me Grace having a full-blown meltdown when Simon has to tackle Grace to the ground for his safety (explosion, Mary gets hit by debris, etc.) because he thinks it's happening again.
He knows it's irrational. He knows Simon would never hurt him. But Simon is the first human he's seen since everything that happened on Earth and his body can't forget the betrayal of his only friends drugging him and sending him to die.
Grace and Simon both have panic attacks, that's no surprise, but both have opposite methods of calming each other down.
Grace, due to being manhandled onto the ground, HATES being touched during a panic attack. Simon keeps his distance, instead just talks. Talks about random things, plants, facts, just anything. It keeps Grace grounded on Simon's voice, especially when Simon has him focus on the present rather than the past or future. He has Grace breath, touch the ground, and just talks until Grace is better.
Simon, due to his hallucinations and his fear of his now domestic reality is fake, Needs touch. He needs to make sure the plants are real, the stars are real, that Grace is real. Grace and Simon hold each other as Simon focuses everything on Grace, his breathing, where his arms wrap around, where his torso is, where his head rests. To feel, to hear, to be near Grace that makes him realize that everything is fine, Grace is real, plants are real, and the stars are alive.