Honestly something I was so taken aback by when reading The Vampire Lestat for the first time was how much I related to the way Lestat reacted to the abuse his family put him through. (This isn't a post about me projecting, more so me using my own story to illustrate why I think Lestat's was so well written).
I also grew up in an abusive household, and I was constantly ridiculed for my inability to fit in with the rest, and not adhere to their status quo. I wasn't quiet in response; I was loud as hell. I fought back, I argued, and I became even bigger to protect myself from having to shrink. Because of this, a lot of people struggled to see me as a survivor, or as a victim at the time (I was often told I couldn't be scared of an abuser if I was still bold enough to argue with them). When I read The Vampire Lestat, I was stunned to find myself crying. I've written before about the use of the word "impossible" which Lestat's brother calls him when Lestat is gifted the coat by his village made of the wolves he killed (a moment where he was actually shown thankfulness by the people of his village). Nicki recognizes this, and assures Lestat he's also seen as "impossible."
When I was young, "impossible" , "dramatic", and a whole lot of other adjectives were used to describe how I acted. It's a way to remove attention from the abuser and place it on the survivor. Well, if they weren't so "impossible", if they just "fit in", then they wouldn't "have" to be abused! Survivors react to abuse in a host of different ways, and that is completely valid. Some people, like myself, see something so inherently wrong with the situation, and become bigger versions of ourselves so we're not lost before we get the chance to escape. Lestat takes an interest in theater, performance, he's denied access to being able to read (a form of escapism), so he instead finds a way around it where he can still play the roles he desires. When he's denied even this, he comes back to his village and becomes the provider for his family despite their lack of appreciation towards him. They won't respect him, but he'll know, as they eat the food he provided, that he was the one who nourished them, that he is the one they rely on.
I was the only child in my family to go to college (this is not an insult to my other siblings at all, because again EVERYONE REACTS DIFFERENTLY and not everyone HAS to go to college, either. It's not a sign of success), and I had to scratch and claw my way to get there as I was repeatedly sabotaged. My grades became the way I could actually present my worth, and even then it wasn't enough, because NOTHING ever would be. Still, I knew I was doing it. Achieving what no one else thought I could get. (Ironically, much like how Gabrielle gave Lestat his first gun and the means to hunt, my mom fought to allow me the chance to go to college. Even though she'd prevented me from leaving before (I'd tried to run away), she changed her mind. Before I left to actually go live in the dorms, she whispered in my ear, "run, and don't come back here.").
Despite Lestat seeming strong (and he WAS SO STRONG) he still had moments where he mentally broke down (notably his breakdown after finding out Gabrielle's diagnosis). Because having to put on a front of strength is absolutely EXHAUSTING, and the dichotomy between how people view your life versus what it ACTUALLY is makes you feel like you're going mad. Isolation adds to this, and often the only one who can calm Lestat down is the one "friend" (aka lover) he has (I also relate to this. My dad claimed public schools were brainwashing kids to become democrats/gay (lmao), and as a result I was homeschooled and only had one consistent friend who I met online).
The idea of escaping to Paris wasn't a fantasy to Lestat, which his family treated it like. Lestat was happy, even when he wasn't earning much, didn't live in the best conditions, and was struggling. Because there's a difference between struggling in a cage someone built for you, and the struggle you experience when leaving the cage. (I lived in HORRIBLE housing situations after college. All of my apartments had an infestation of some sort, and they were rarely safe. I was still happier). Nicki, on the other hand, saw Paris as a way to die in defiance, as a way to punish his father (this is how Nicki's mental illness impacted him - he'd been beaten down to the point he saw his life as worthless, so the only way he could find meaning was to use it to punish the person who'd hurt him his whole life). Even when Lestat was horrifically turned by Magnus, he couldn't give into despair, because he fought SO HARD to get his own life. Sometimes, even when you escape, you're still constantly fighting, with the quiet moments being more terrifying than the traumatic ones (I kind of link this to Jacob Anderson and Sam Reid's statements about how, in the books, Lestat would go back to Louis when life was so fucked and he needed something simple, only for him to run away again. Peace sometimes feels scarier than terror, because once you accept it, you have something that can be taken away from you. When you're abused, you learn to almost not allow yourself to enjoy things, as anything you love visibly enough is something that will be painfully torn from you. Such as Lestat loving the monastery).
I'm VERY intrigued to see how this will play out on screen. I really like the way the show handled Louis' trauma and mental state during the first two seasons (he's a ridiculously complicated character who often only feels he has worth and meaning if he's caring for someone else, as that's the only thing his family ever gave him any praise for doing). I think it will be a difficult watch, but I think it's also important. Louis, Lestat, and Claudia are all people that society doesn't usually see as survivors because of their responses to their situations. The show doesn't go to the end of the earth to prove they suffered by making them perfect, it instead forces you to contest with the fact that survivors aren't going to be perfect. Louis responds to the realization of what Armand did by tossing him into a wall, he becomes frustrated by the situation with Claudia even though he was the one who initially asked for her to be turned, Claudia becomes more ruthless after being assaulted, and Lestat is "defiant" and wearing a mask forged from a necessity to survive the whole way through. It saddens me when the fandom tries to turn these characters into one dimensional paper dolls. Everything they experienced is still valid, it was still horrible, even if they're not always perfect. That's not demonizing survivors, it's humanizing them.
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