emergency citrus pocket

*introducing myself to the guards who caught me* seized to meet you

Magic sword inscribed with the runes “EVERY PIECE OF TRASH YOU LEAVE IN A PUBLIC PLACE WILL BE WEIGHED ALONGSIDE YOUR SOUL ON THE SCALES OF PARADISE”

Gen Alpha from a prehistoric culture with no number words greater than four: MANY MANY

ME: hold up. you see that? train's been through here FRIEND: how can you tell ME: tracks. they're not fresh, maybe 60, 80 years old FRIEND: no chance it'll come back, then ME: don't be so sure. That's well within their lifespan... and they're highly territorial

a customer returned a drink because a fly flew into it and said: “one of your flies flew into my drink” and my coworker was so confused that they just said: “…my fly?”

#MyFly

there may be An App For That™, but have you considered that there is also very likely a Parasitoid Wasp For That™

American: [seeing a commuter bus for the first time] Wow thats the biggest car ive ever seen. Its long like a hot dog instead of being short like a hamburger. They should make a version of these with guns

goo goo dolls if they were in dune: and i don’t want the worm to see me

I feel like we can quit exploring the intersection of art and technology for a moment

i honestly bet it feels good as hell to be a sign by a trail in the woods

snake bit me today (non-venomous) (i deserved it)

Vote for me I'll bring back the dinosaurs

I think one of the gentlest things in the world is when a friend just gets your weird little brain. like you say half a sentence and they finish it. you reference something incredibly niche from seven years ago and they’re already nodding. they understand your strange vocabulary for emotions that don’t have real words yet. it’s being seen and known and still loved. maybe especially because you’re known. god. what a gift.

resurrected dead wife watching her own montage: wow I looked so hot in that

save me, rice mixed with some bullshit

i just don’t know if that many of us need to be on the roads driving. we should live in a world where more people can sit that one out