Ayurveda Dosha

Yesterday was my last day of Panchakarma. It wasn't the full treatment since that would take quite a bit longer and involve five cleansing procedures: 

Vamana (vomiting)

Virechana (purgation via laxatives)

Basti (herbal oil and water enema)

Nasya (getting rid of mucus in the sinuses)

Rakthamoksha (blood letting)

These are accompanied by various other treatments like oil massages, sweating and in my case, a juice fast for liver cleansing. We had Basti and my Partner also did Virechana. Even though it looks like a very gentle medicine to westerners (messages and herbs; no chemicals etc) it had quite a strong effect on me. Maybe for me it was some sort of emotional cleansing more than anything else. I talked to the doc about it but all he said was that it's normal and just felt way worse and uncontrollable because I was weak. I'm very much hoping that is the case. I got a last treatment yesterday and a final consultation about how to maintain what I've achieved. I also got Gotu Kola, which seems to be some kind of wonder-herb and am very interested to see what effects it has.

My second last day and after the blissfully calm day before my mood swings and aggression came back yesterday.. It started when I asked for breakfast and was told I couldn't have any before my treatment and would get vegetable soup (not very satisfying for me) afterwards. The prospect of going hungry until around 11am put me in a bad mood instantly, even though I had put on eating restrictions like that (ably eat between 11am and 7pm) on myself before without any problems. I'm noticing an aversion to any kind of control or people trying to tell me what "the right thing to do" is, so maybe it's just the fact that someone said "No, you can't have food now."

My treatment was again oil on the forehead (Shirodhara) and then over my whole body (Pyrichil) and an enema; this time water and way more than the day before. I was told to lie down for a moment and then go to toilet as the woman who had done the treatment left the room. I instantly felt the need to go but had no idea how long "a moment" was nor could I have measured the time had I known. I didn't know if she would come back to tell me when to get up. So I just lied there for as long as I could (not very long, maybe a minute) and went. Later I learned that it should have been five minutes... Oh well.

I went to get my breakfast and had the rest of the day to myself. In the afternoon I got hungry and angry again. As before, the anger came out of nowhere and I didn't even know what I was angry at. My partner offered me to talk about it but I was just lashing out at him; whatever he said I just didn't want to hear. He suggested I go for a run because that's what I usually do when I need to calm down somehow. I didn't really know where though, a quick online search seemed to show me only tracks through the crowded city with its narrow and difficult walkways. I got angry at that, too and decided to go anyway.

I was hungry though and didn't have much energy at all. I sprinted for short times and then ran up a hill until I felt like spewing. Back at the hotel I fell onto the bed and cried... I asked my partner to hold some pillows up and boxed them until I thought the worst was over. Right after that there was a meditation class on and I used it to imagine all this anger in me to burn to pure energy. My body started vibrating/shaking and I started sweating again. I felt like back in control afterwards.

Yesterday was better, I felt more stable even though still a bit off. After Yoga I got the first meal that actually felt like one: Paddu; little cakes made from fermented rice and dal, served with a nutty paste. I enjoyed and savoured every little bite and even though it wasn't much it left me very satisfied. My stomach didn't hurt in one way or the other for the first time in days and the taste of the Paddu put me in a really good mood. I felt more like myself again. Before the afternoon treatment I got a massive lunch of rice, some really bitter pickled veggies, leafy greens and an oily curry with tofu and tempe. It was way too much for me (certainly more than double of the fist-size portions recommended here) but usually one doesn't get too much food here and I was sick of being hungry so I made myself eat it all which got my stomach a bit upset.

My treatment was oil on the forehead, followed by pretty much the same thing all over the body and an oil enema. To be honest, I'm getting a little tired of all the hot oil and of trying to scrub it off my body and out of my hair afterwards. I had been a bit nervous about the enema but it wasn't too bad and I was told to go to toilet after an hour.

I was too exhausted to blog yesterday. I cried pretty much all morning, during Yoga, for my second juice (the really bitter one) and afterwards. I don't think I would have eaten anything even if someone had given it to me. I felt angry and desperate but at the same time I liked the power I had over my body. Around lunch I felt all cried out, had a nap and woke up angry. I didn't understand it yesterday and I still don't.

Yesterday was my last juice day and I got some "liver flush" before bedtime: a thin soup with lots of garlic and so much salt that it tastes bitter and some extremely salty water again this morning. The food I got today wasn't much (as expected after a fast): a vegetable soup for breakfast, kitchari for lunch and zucchini soup for dinner. Nothing stays in for more than an hour and I'm still hungry all the time, maybe worse than the three juice days.

I'm going crazy and apparently it's normal. I was crying again this morning, my stomach, my back and my head all aching. The doc said it is just the shock that my body experiences from not getting the food it's used to but to me it feels way more emotional than that. I'd love to talk about it and get some guidance and I can feel that everyone around me is really compassionate and would love to help me but I feel that I am closing up, not able to deal with people or talk about how I feel :(

The juices were the same today and the treatment changed only slightly replacing the body-scraping part with Elakizhi, a massage where some bundles with hot oil and herbs are tapped all over your body. It felt good and calmed me down as yesterday, but the green cucumber-pepper juice got my stomach upset again; as yesterday.

I sweated a lot during yoga and couldn't focus much on the general Ayurveda talk that was held. The doctor allowed for me to have some rice that had been cooked for a long time. It passed my body within two hours. After that, the stomach ache began again. I felt more emotionally stable until the evening; pretty much the same time I had my breakdown yesterday. Today there was a meditation class on at that time but it couldn't calm me down. Instead it just seemed to open the flood gates once more. I didn't even feel hungry and my headache wasn't in my focus but for some reason I just couldn't stop crying. After a while all I did was trying not to ruin the class with loud sobs so I left... 

I've almost survived the first day but to be honest, I don't feel well. I had five different vegetable juices today and some tea; no food at all. I'm usually good at going without food for a bit but at the moment I feel as if I am going out of my mind. My stomach is tensing and I am close to crying and am not even sure where it's coming from. But from the beginning...

The day started with a juice at 7:30am and some gentle Yoga afterwards which I really enjoyed. Shortly after I got an extremely bitter juice with turmeric that was hard to get down. At noon, I started to feel really hungry and the mood swings started. Believe it or not, I don't usually have mood swings but I was close to crying for no reason apparent to me.

My third juice was due 1pm and luckily it was way better than the second one; grapes and parsley. Some massage treatments followed and managed to relax me and take my mind off the hunger: Abhyanga, a whole body oil massage, Ubtan, a body srub with a paste from nuts, flowers and oils and Shirodhara, a procedure where warm oils is continuously poured on the forehead for 20 minutes. I wasn't quite able to turn my mind off but it was relaxing nonetheless. And time for my fourth juice already. A green one with cucumber this time. I felt alright at this point but the hunger returned quickly and with it the mood swings. I got Garcinia to take, a plant extract that surpresses appetite and helps with emotional eating.

In the early evening I felt upset and angry and impatient and was annoying myself with it. By the time I tasted my evening juice, which was more like a thin, bland jelly with lots of ginger I just melted into tears. I felt restless, was contemplating going for a run, angry, desperate and helpless. It took me a long time to down the jelly-juice and I paced the floor for quite a while, still in tears. 

So I'm finally travelling around south east Asia to learn about Ayurveda from the source (or close to it for now). Starting my journey in Bali, I have come across an Ayurvedic Centre that feels really good to me and very encouraging reviews: Amrta Siddhi in Ubud.

Myself and my partner just went there because we were in Ubud anyway and wanted to use the opportunity to see how the place feels to us. We were told it would be best to have a consultation with the doctor first before deciding for a treatment and got one after a few minutes wait.

Highly-praised Dr Sujatha Kekada isn't there at the moment so they were asking us if we were ok with another doctor. I couldn't remember the name, but he is from India too and was very understanding and calm. He asked each of us quite a few questions, about our lifestyles and problems and took our pulse to figure out our Doshas (body type).

Turns out I am Kapha, which surprises me a bit; I had thought I've got more Pitta energy and am a mixed type. But the pulse test is more accurate than a self-test and it does explain quite a few things that I had ignored. My partner is Vata-Pitta and apparently quite unbalanced as well (he shows pretty much all the signs of Vata imbalance on the list) and will have to go through a more rigorous detox than I. 

The doctor explained everything really well and assembled an individual plan for each of us, containing everything from treatments, yoga, meditation and meals. We're both looking forward to it, even though we are a bit nervous about a few of the treatments on the list...

"Our intellects are bound by our perceptions and what we perceive is limited by our five senses. From what we've learned though modern physics, what get through our five senses is more unreal than it is real. In order to reach the truth, we need to go 'Beyond Reason'."