take my hand hold it tight

Life overview: lmao what is going on im not sure but God is good

Faith: i was sad cuz i felt so much pain and i was like God where u at :( but looking back He has been with me every step of the way, in the darkest moments where i legit thought i couldn’t make it...the suicidal ideations.. He got me thru with His presence. I cried aa lot, prayed a lot. During retreat I cried so much, the pain was almost unbearable. He heard my cries and tears, and sends people along the way to help me.. so thank you. I know we will fail, but each and every day i will choose faith. i will strive to put my faith in Jesus. Isaiah 43:19 i AM DOING A NEW TING!!

Church: I moved back to SI, but just around the time everything became virtual so that timing is good. Being home ofc there are challenges, but God has been good and I seen progress even if it appears to be so minimal. I really like how each person shows God’s love through their action not just words. They’ve been with me through it all. P David remind us we will get hurt, family gets hurt - we all are broken. Choose the fast lane, go alone. Choose to go together. 

Career/work: I like some things, how it gives structure, can help with people since I’m in HR. I am learning that some things are routine but I can spice it up b/c im a fun person. I am capable of learning quickly, and I am a hard worker. I am organized and I have a pretty impressive resume, spinned things around with JTseng help!! Even a 2 hour session did A LOT. I also learned a lot working in a office setting, dealing with diff people, pro at emailing - 

Self love: I need to know my worth in Jesus, not in what I do or not do. That as been a learning exp. Everyone can have a job. I have the privilege of exploring. It doesn’t feel stable rn because I’m still not 200% but that’s fine. I accept and love certain parts of myself - I value people so much but what about myself? It doesn’t have to be binary, loving others doesn’t mean not valuing myself. 

Relationships: I don’t understand what happened with G, but that’s okay. I might not understand everything but I’m giving it my all. Thank God for a close group of people I can go to for different things. People are going to disappoint. Also I learn what I look for in a relationship, Christ centered, connection, commitment, cute. Heartbreaks sucks ;( esp the first one. I would say AT was my first serious relationship and love? He wasn’t what I expected bc it wasnt love at first sight. He treated me with a lot of kindness and I learned a lot from him. It pained me so much to let him go.. but I’m glad it happened and I will cherish the lessons and memories. LOL im such an empath and HSP. my psychiatrist said that will make me a good mom, daughter, and GF. 

Passion: I wanna get better at singing, dancing, acting, filmmaking- storytelling. it cuts to people’s hearts. Also i’ve been getting pretty good feedback on my tiktok and youtube, and dance videos :) lol gotta enjoy the process. I might not see growth in numbers or even in my quality of work right away but I will keep going. BUT I ALSO WANNA HAVE FUN WITH THE PROCESS IT AINT THAT SERIOUS. I have this huge conviction of creating

Personally: I do feel stronger, there is a lot of evil in the world - but together with God and His people, I believe there is goodness and hope. I’m not lost, i am discovering bc im at a different life stage than before. this is freedom period, I can do anything and learn more about myself as an individual. :D 

The world is in a pandemic.. 2020 was an insane year for everyone and it’s def going down in history. But it won’t be like this forever - I hope we all come out changed, refreshed, and equipped. 

IM GOING TO BE 26 IN MY LATER 20′S WAAAUT.  LOL ADULT!?

also accept and embrace failure hahh

Hello. I am so confused about a recent breakup.

I started talking with a Korean guy I met on Hinge in May 2020 during the quarantine. We began video-chatting every day from then.

We decided to meet up a month in person with our mutual friends! It was very nice. He lives an hour drive from me. He drove to me which was an EXTRA hour added to the meetup spot. He drove me home after as well. He was so intentional and showed a lot of interest.

In the beginning, he mentioned his intention is for a long-term relationship and to find his future wife. He also mentioned his past 2 relationships ended quickly because he lost feelings within a month or so. He mentioned his values are family and friends. He at this point is applying to med school.

I specifically asked him to tell me at any point if he is confused or doubting his feelings because guys have lied to me about that before. (This is important)

After a month, we met in person, and we continued to video chat and I did ask him why does he think this relationship will be different. He said because we have been transparent with one another and communicating well. (This is true) I believe our relationship was healthy and going on an upward trajectory. He was very affectionate, gave words of affirmation, etc.

He came to my crib and picked me up a few times and we hung out. The second time we met in person, he woke up at 4am to pick me up, and then we went to see the sunrise. That is where he asked to be official.

There was an incident where we got physical during one of our dates, and he mentioned that triggered his past trauma; and after that, he wanted to take a step back and reflect on his feelings. He said lust can cloud your feelings and he wanted to make sure they were real.

But after that day, he began to become less affectionate and cold. It was quite obvious to me, but he mentioned he was just numb and gets like this at times. (He is introvert, and takes time to process things) He switched 180, removed all signs of affection, and rather I felt like a bro.

Throughout the week after that incident, I would ask him is everything okay, and he would dodge the question or give answers like “I’m trying to channel my feelings to see you as a daughter of God” or something among those lines.

Finally, the 3rd time I ask him, he shared is uncertainties, about our relationship, and thought those uncertain thoughts would go away within a few days. But it continued to linger, and he wanted to deny the thoughts because he wanted to make it work.

At the end of that convo, I cried a lot b.c I asked him how does he feel about the relationship and how does he feel about me. He was uncertain about both. He mentioned a part of the switch was b.c of commitment issues, lust, and how he is now doubting his passion for medicine. He also doesn’t know if he is ready to date and able to put the amount of time and work needed. His friends said it would not be fair for him and me to keep going without him giving 100%.

He talked to his pastors and mentors and we reconvened a few days later to talk about the final decision. He told me he was not ready to date and concluded at that. He has internal issues to work on. He thought he was ready, but he isn’t and is confused about many things.

He said his priorities are family, friends, career, and S.O isn’t a priority right now and he is stressed about school starting and questioning his career path.

I feel quite led on, because of the switch. I feel betrayed cuz I specifically asked him to tell me if he has any doubts about his feelings. I feel hurt ofc because I was so emotionally invested in him. My friends said it was immature and I was dragged along in this. We are currently not talking after the breakup, if I ask him a question he’ll take a few days to respond.

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* Do you guys have any thoughts, insights on this that would help me understand a bit more and move on?