[ID: An excerpt of writing by Hanif Abdurraqib. It reads, "I have grown weary of talking about life as if it is deserved, or earned, or gifted, or wasted. I'm going to be honest about my scorecard and just say that the math on me being here and the people who have kept me here doesn't add up when weighed against the person I've been and the person I can still be sometimes. (yellow highlighting) But isn't that the entire point of gratitude? To have a relentless understanding of all the ways you could have vanished, but haven't? (highlighting ends) (green highlighting) The possibilities for my exits have been endless, and so the gratitude for my staying must be equally endless. (highlighting ends)" End ID.]

going through the late-night comedy show wrap-ups of the trump fascism rally bc i enjoy torturing myself and wow it is really scary to think about how people you know and love can go from being safe in their homes to being displaced overnight under the flimsiest of pretexts because of racists whipping up a frenzy about the threat they represent, rounded up by men with guns, living in tents or arrested, forced to find any way possible to evacuate the only country they call home so their children can survive. it is a very frightening prospect. i think if it happened i wouldn't be able to sleep comfortably. i would have to wake up every day and check on my friends and their families and make sure everyone is still okay even though they're not. i would probably spend a lot of time protesting and fundraising for the people this happened to and i'm sure the protests and fundraisers would be constantly attacked by the fascists who support what's happening to my friends and the protestors would likely lose their jobs or get beaten and arrested. and i'd know even if these people flee to safety they're probably living under dictatorships and severe suppression as refugees so they can't really rescue the rest of their family who will still be subject to arbitrary deportation, and in some cases—maybe even in most cases because deportation is expensive and takes time and diplomacy but killing people is much faster—being killed. i think i would probably lose my mind if i saw my friends posting pictures of their family's corpses regularly because they keep dying while trapped in an endless limbo in a concentration camp overseen by the american state. that would be the worst thing i could imagine. i sincerely hope that doesn't happen to you.

leave it be. let it scab. let it heal.