Expressing my thoughts

Someday, I’ll own a car.

Photo from * Proverbs 31 ministries

Recently, I suffered from severe anxiety due to a mistake that would cost me to lose my job. It was month ago when the new policy was in effect not tolerating any benefit misqoute that would cost above $2,500.00. I signed and agreed to the new policy, of course, whether I like it or not, I am in employee and I should abide to the companies rules and regulations. 

1 month after I signed the new policy, someone escalated me for a benefit misqoute that cost $28,000. Can you imagine that amount? What’s terrifying is, it is a facility case rate. It might be bigger amount than 28k since we pay facilities base on the contracted rate not per procedure code. After hearing that I misqouted a benefit, I feel weak, empty, dumb, and useless. At the back of my mind, why didn’t I check that tab? The error was too simple, if I used my common sense and click that category note. I keep on blaming myself. Who else should I blame? I’m the one who took that call. I tried not to cry or breakdown in front of my boss, I depict to be someone strong, not affected, who seems to be fine despite of that insurmountable mountain I’m facing at the moment. I don’t know what to do, where to go, and how to overcome. I feel weak, my legs are shaking, and I’m stuttering while defending “Why I made that mistake?”. 

And the day was over, I went home and lied down on my bed, hugged my pillow and gave a deep sigh. Calming myself, I prayed to God even though I can’t find the exact words to explain how I feel. But I believe, He hears my anguish, he feels my sorrow, and he knows the situation I’m currently in. Deep inside my heart, I know He speaks comfort by reminding me that “He will never leave me nor forsake me. That He has a purpose for everything, and it will work for the good of those who love Him.” These words lull me to sleep, it calmed my worried mind, it heals my broken heart. I was reminded of His purpose and I should not be afraid to face the verdict of my mistake for I know that He will open the door of opportunities for me. He holds my life, and He decides my destiny. Everything ahead of me was written even before I was formed in my mother’s womb. 

The mistake was part of the purpose to teach me a great lesson to be keen to the next chapter of my book. It will not label me as “worthless” for we are human and we make voluminous mistake that teaches us great lessons to be a great person and to be where God wanted us to be. Mistakes are butt kickers, it moves you up to the next level. Therefore I conclude, never be afraid of the mistakes and take it as an stepping stone to be a better YOU.