No

Chris woke with a start, he squinted at the broken window, cool air and sunlight streaming in, he was considering the likelihood that his brain might have actually exploded. The pain was too much to open his eyes fully. He ran his hand over the warm arm around his waist. Pausing only for a second when he remembered who it belonged to. He smiled despite the disastrous hangover, and hugged Adrians arm tightly to his chest.

The hangover anxiety hadn’t kicked in yet, and Chris knew if he stood up he’d probably still be a little drunk, so he wasn’t panicking over the emotional vulnerability he’d displayed, not yet. He knew that would come soon enough and his brain would have a field day about him spilling his guts like that. For now, he just wanted to lie there, body aching, head splitting and stomach rumbling, completely peaceful. Adrians breath tickled the back of his neck. He was utterly content like this, almost, it would be better if he didn’t have a stomach churning hangover.

He held Adrians hand and brought it to his face, placing a gentle kiss on his palm. He could feel a huff of breath against his neck. Adrian twisted his hand to hold his properly, squeezing tightly.

He could feel the anxiety starting to trickle in drop by drop, the irrational worry that Adrian would wake up and freak out and storm off was bouncing about his head. The absurd urge to beat him too it, bail first. He’d done it once, when they had first kissed, years ago.

They had sat in Adrians’ car after a night of fighting crime and Chris had ended up with a gash oh his chest. Adrian had dutifully stitched him up. The alcohol in his system, and the feeling of Adrians fingers putting him back together had made him reach out, looped his hand around the back of his neck, pulling him closer. Adrian had came to him with no resistance, except when Chris looped a finger under the seam of his mask, even then Adrian had only covered his eyes while Chris rolled the mask up, and pulled him in. His lips were soft and hot as fire, and for the first time since they had been working together, Chris wished he could see the man under the mask. But Adrian kept his eyes covered. It had been nice. It had been more than nice. A warmth spread through Chris’ chest remembering the kiss, like he’d just sunk into a hot bath. He couldn’t remember what exactly had caused him to freak out and get out of the car, why he walked an hour home in the rain, gash in his chest half stitched and bleeding. He never liked to remember that part, the guilt bore a hole in his chest.

He could tell Adrian was stirring behind him, the small shifts in his body giving him away. He tucked his face into the back of Chris’ neck and sighed heavily. He suspected Adrian was almost as hungover him, almost.

“Morning handsome” Adrian whispered, voice hoarse. Chris huffed, he could feel his face heating up, Adrian knew just how to make him blush.

“I’m feeling a little fragile Adrian, I might have drank too much last night, you’re going to have to be gentle with me this morning” The quiet laughter on the back of his neck made him blush harder.

“Don’t worry big man, I know the drill, no sudden movements, no loud noises. I’ve got you.” Chris laughed, it hurt but he wanted to stay like this, being held, being cared for, forever. He rolled onto his back, not letting go of Adrians hand. He could open his eyes now without it hurting. Adrian was lying on his side, propped up on one hand, watching him with a fond smile. He really really liked seeing Adrian smile like that.

“What’s that face for?”

Adrian flopped onto his back, smiling up at the ceiling.

“I don’t know dude, I just really like it like this. I like it when we can hang out like this and you can relax and I get the real Chris. Now don’t get me wrong, I like you when we’re around other people too, even if you’re a little mean, because you’re super funny and you always have great ideas.” He looked over at Chris again, still smiling, “But this, when we’re together like this? It’s the best. It’s special.” Chris could feel the butterflies in his stomach. Chris liked it when they were together like this too.

The urge to kiss Adrian was overwhelming, and why fight it? He leaned over and took Adrians face in his hands. He considered for a moment how big his hands looked cupping Adrians face like this. He leaned in and pressed their lips together, he could feel the smile, still on Adrians face as he kissed him, hands pushing back through his hair. He kind of wished they’d brushed their teeth first, but it didn’t matter, not when he had his tongue in Adrians mouth. He could feel Adrians hand on his shoulder, slowly pushing him onto his back, he went easily, his hands falling lazily around his waist. Chris knew how pliable he could be when he was like this. Adrian climbed on top, straddling him. They broke contact and Adrian cupped his face, and he just paused for a moment, studying him, a look in his eyes Chris didn’t recognise.

“You’re so beautiful like this you know.” Chris could feel the emotions bubbling up quickly inside him, he wasn’t worthy of this, how could he deserve something like this, he was a dick, he was a piece of shit, he was a joke. He remembered Flagg, how heavy he’d been on top of him, his blood running down Chris’ arms. it was too much. Just as Adrian was leaning down to kiss him again he started sobbing, his hands flying up to cover his face. Full body, wracking sobs. Like he was being split in two. He felt Adrian spring off him like he’d been electrocuted. He could imagine the bewildered, concerned look that would be on his face. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder, steadying him somewhat.

“Hey, Chris, buddy. Are you alright? I’m sorry if I did something wrong. I won’t get on top of you again if you don’t want me to!” Adrians panicked voice upset him more, once again he’d spoiled a fucking great moment.

“No. Fuck. No, it’s not that, I like that a lot. I’m just hungover and emotional Adrian, I’m sorry” he looked out from beneath his fingers, he’d pictured the look on Adrians face perfectly, eyebrows furrowed, mouth in a thin hard line, concerned.

“So, where am I dropping you off?”

The question broke the awkward silence, Harcourt wasn’t unempathetic, but she couldn’t deal with criers, and she hadn’t figured Vigilante for a crier. He’d been looking out the window, tears streaming down his face since they’d pulled away from the police station. The silence went on a beat too long and she thought he really just wasn’t going to reply, then he said, quietly “Peacemakers” he wiped his face, “yeah, I wanna go hang out with him.” He didn’t look her way.

Harcourt grimaced. Not. A. Good. Idea.

“Sure” she hummed a bit as she formed the best way to say what she was thinking, fingers tapping on the wheel.

“Maybe it’s best if you don’t mention what happened tonight?” She hoped he’d understand, and agree, she didn’t feel like explaining to Vigilante that they didn’t need another fuck up today. She seen him smile out the corner of her eye as they waited at a red light. It was a pathetically sad smile, the kind that made her kind of want to roll her eyes.

“Don’t worry, I don’t tell him half the shit I do for him” She gave him a quick glance, the tears were back. Eyes on the road, she stared at the red light, willing with her whole being it would turn green.

“You know Adrian, you’re a really good friend, you shouldn’t let him put you down so much” she didn’t look around, but she heard him try and stifle a sob.

“No, it’s not like that. He’s different when we’re alone, he’s good to me. That’s why it suck so bad that I fucked up.” Green light, finally. “I wanted to surprise him, he says he ‘loves’ his dad but I Adebayo is right, he won’t be truly happy until his dad’s dead! And like, sure he’ll probably be mad for a while, but he’d forgive me and we’d…”

He trailed off, Harcourt snuck a glance at him. The sad smile was back. She didn’t know what to say to any of that, definitely didn’t want to ask what he was about to say, she liked to think that she was a pretty well adjusted person, so she figured any advice she could come up with would be useless. Luckily they were just pulling into the trailer park, so she could just keep quiet.

“Thanks for the ride Harcourt, don’t worry, I’ll keep my mouth shut about the whole dad killing thing” She just smiled and nodded at him as he got out the car, she could hear the music distantly from Peacemakers trailer. She watched as he ran around the side, presumably to jump in through the window at the back, before driving off.

He could smell the booze and the weed from outside the window. He wiped his eyes, he wasn’t embarrassed to cry in front of Harcourt, she was a girl, but he didn’t want Peacemaker to see him crying. Especially when he couldn’t explain why. He took a deep breath and climbed in the window. The trailer was a mess, but that wasn’t a surprise, Peacemaker wasn’t the tidiest at the best of times, and he hated it when Adrian tried to tidy around him. Eagly sat on the table in the by the couch, the stupid butterfly in a jar next to him. Adrian didn’t hate Eagly per-say but he hated that he felt in direct competition with a bird for Peacemakers affections.

Peacemaker was lying on the floor, one hand on his chest, joint burning out in the other. Adrian hated the shit, he would never understand how it got legalised. Whenever Peacemaker smoked he turned into a different person, more affectionate, giggly and uninhibited. It was all fake. For a moment Adrian thought Peacemaker was asleep, but then the song ended and he could hear the ragged, sad breathing. Peacemaker was crying.

Adrian had seen Peacemaker cry lots of times, not that either of them would ever admit it, Adrian knew he was a very very sad man underneath all that bravado. He realised he’d been standing there, lingering for far too long, and was about to say something, anything, but Peacemaker got there first.

“I know you’re there Adrian. Stop hanging about like a fucking ghost and come have a drink” he gestured to the kitchen counter, there were two bottles of Jack Daniels there, one empty, one half empty. Yeah, Adrian could use a drink. He grabbed the bottle and took a swig. Peacemaker sat up against the closet, too sad to stand up it seemed. Adrian handed him the bottle and sat beside him.

“Were you, uh, exercising your face muscles again?” Beside him he felt Peacemaker laugh as he took a swig. He didn’t want to look at him, he didn’t want to see the tears on his face, not yet.

“Fuck off Adrian.” He passed the bottle back clumsily, fingers lingering on the bottle.

“Want to talk about it?” Adrian took another drink. He fucking hated Jack Daniels, but the mouth of the bottle was warm. Peacemaker sighed loudly next to him. Out the corner of his eye he seen him taking a long, last draw of his joint. Adrian took another drink while he exhaled.

“Fuck off Adrian” he said, almost silently, if he spoke louder his voice would crack. His hand met Adrians on the bottle, staying there for a moment before picking it, Adrian let it go easily, Peacemakers hand was warm. Adrian was starting to feel warm too, his hands in his lap, fidgeting with a loose thread on his jeans. Peacemaker took another sip and placed the bottle back in Adrians lap.

“Adrian, I think my dad really really hates me” Another whisper, even then his voice wavered, like the dam was about to break.

Adrian didn’t know what to say, he couldn’t exactly be honest, he couldn’t say ‘Of course your dad hates you, it’s obvious, he fucking hates your guts.’ Adrian wanted so badly to tell him that he’d tried to help. But he wouldn’t. He took another drink.

“I’m sorry Chris. It’s not fair.” It was all he could say. It was enough to break the dam. Beside him Chris leaned forward, face in his hands, whole body shaking with quiet, racking sobs. Adrians first instinct was to panic, look away, run away. He could feel a lump in his own throat. This was unfamiliar territory, they didn’t cry in front of each other, and he didn’t know what to do. he put the bottle down by his side, and moved a little closer, putting his hand on Chris’ shoulder. The crying didn’t stop, Chris put his own hand ok top of Adrians.

“I tried so hard Adrian. All my damn life all I’ve ever done is try to make him happy. I’ve done everything he wanted, things that made me sick, all to make him happy. But he just blamed everything on me. It’s impossible. I just wanted to be good enough for him.” The words tore out of him, raw and painful. Everyone always said Adrian was emotionless, that he didn’t have a heart. But he did, and it was breaking now. it didn’t seem right to be careful anymore, he pulled Chris in, holding him tight. Chris fell in easily, his head landing on Adrians chest, tears soaking his t-shirt.

“That’s crazy Chris, you are good.” He ran his hand through Chris’ hair, holding him gently there. “You’re so damn good Chris. It’s him that’s wrong, that he can’t see the good in you, like I can.” He felt Chris’ arms wrap around his waist, hugging him tight. Adrian was a little worried he’d break a rib. He didn’t know what else to say, he didn’t want to say too much and ruin the moment, like he usually did. Instead he just ran his fingers through Chris’ hair. It seemed to be working, his breathing was slowing back down, almost normal. He delivered one more rib-cracking squeeze then sat back up, wiping his face. He avoided meeting Adrians eyes, but leaned over and wiped a tear from his cheek, Adrian hadn’t realised he’d been crying too. He grabbed the bottle and took a long swig before sitting back. His shoulder was so warm against Adrians.

“Every time he looks at me, it’s like he can see right through me, like he can read my mind. Like he knows the things I’ve done.” Adrian looked over at him, no longer crying, but the sad resignation on his face hurt. Chris’ hands rested on his thighs. They were close enough that Adrian could feel the small movements of his fingers against his own leg. Adrian lay his hand over Chris’, gently. Chris laced their fingers together, holding tightly. Adrian realised he was probably breaking some personal record this evening for keeping his mouth shut.

“Do you want to, you know, kill him?” Chris tipped his head back against the wall, eyes closed, and smiled.

“Even if I did kill him, he wouldn’t be gone, he’d still be in here” he said, tapping his temple. Adrian caressed the back of his hand with his thumb.

“I meant what I said you know, you really are so good. Too good for him.” Chris smiled again, he looked over at Adrian, meeting his gaze now.

“Thank you Adrian, but you don’t need to butter me up this much, I’m too drunk to appreciate it” He squeezed Adrians hand tightly as he said it. It made him laugh, a quiet and breathless laugh.

“I do mean it though” he insisted. He needed Chris to know that, needed him to know so badly how good he was. Chris just gave him another amused look, he lifted their hands and kissed the back of Adrians hand.

“Thank you then.”

Then with a tired sigh, Chris stood, not letting go of his hand. He pulled Adrian up with him, and pulled him into a hug, his arms wrapped over Adrians shoulders. Adrian hugged him back, holding tightly, his hands splayed out on his back, his face tucked into Chris’ shoulder, eyes closed, he was exhausted. Chris let go and stepped back, a little wobbly, but held onto Adrians arm.

“I’m going to go to sleep now, it’s late, do you want to stay here?” He let go of Adrian and started walking through to the bed, holding onto the wall. Adrian could feel the heat in his face, he must be blushing like a school girl. He couldn’t get the words out so just nodded and followed. He just stood at the end of the bed and watched as Chris pulled his t-shirt over his head, and unbuckled his belt, stepping out of his jeans, he looked up at Adrian, and held his hand out with a smile. Adrian followed obediently, silent as Chris unzipped his jumper and pulled his t-shirt over his head. Chris knelt in front of him, untying his trainers, Adrian had to hold on to his shoulder to stay steady as he pulled the trainers off. He looked up at Adrian with a smile that almost stopped his heart. He unbuttoned his own jeans as Chris stood up, and stepped out of them.

“C’mon,” he said, getting into Chris’ bed, holding his hand out for him “let’s get you to sleep.”

Chris climbed in after him and Adrian wrapped his arms around him, tonight Chris would be the little spoon, he deserved it. Chris held tightly onto the arm that was draped over his waist.

“Goodnight Chris” he said, placing a kiss on his shoulder.

“Goodnight Adrian” came the reply.