Avengers, Imagine

Tony: I may be a playboy, but I know when to wear armor.

Natasha: There’s a time and place for stealth. The bedroom isn’t it. (Alternately: “Safety is easy. If he won’t wear a condom, kill him.”) 

Clint: Protection is important, on and off the range. 

Thor: It’s what a god would do. 

Bruce: Do it for science. Wear it for safety.

(Alternate:)

*three hours later*

Captain America, bawling: …and then half the world turned to dust! Including Fury!!

Captain Marvel: Okay… what about Stark, the spider kid, and the wizard guy. Where’d they go?

Captain America, blowing his nose: I told you! We don’t know! They followed a spaceship into, you know, outer space.

Rocket, who everyone thought was tuning out the story in favour of tinkering with… something: It was probably headed to Titan.

*everyone stares*

Rocket, explains to preschoolers: Thanos… the Mad Titan… is from Titan. And everybody knows that place destroyed itself, which is probably when the Mad Titan started circlin’ the metaphorical black hole, if you know what I mean, so it’d make for a pretty decent bad guy headquarters.

Captain America: Why didn’t you tell us this, like, five months ago?!

Rocket: Because EVERYBODY knows. Everybody, who’s traveled outside their own star system, knows. *glances at Carol who nods in agreement* See, the glowing parole officer knows. And what precisely would you backwater nimrods have done if you had known? You don’t have light speed tech. You don’t even have a friggin spaceship! Here. *throws Carol the device he was tinkering with* It’ll track the Milano, but you gotta be within about three systems of the ship to get a ping. Head to Knowhere first; that’s where Quill and those other idiots were going to grab an infinity stone. They failed miserably, obviously, but if they weren’t dead they would have followed Thanos back to Titan. It’s about a 300 jumps due east of here at the ass end of space. From there, to get to Titan, you head out the nostril and take a left at the first red dwarf you see and travel straight for another 40 jumps. Then come back here. If they’re alive they should be somewhere in that giant triangle of the universe. It’s only a few million cubic parsecs. Piece of cake.

*Captain Marvel blasts off before anyone can argue*

An hour later Captain Marvel drops the Milano onto the compounds lawn.

Captain Marvel: Found it.

*Tony practically falls down the gangway*

Tony: *groans* Should have called an Uber.

While everyone else is fussing over Tony, Rocket is forcibly ignoring the fact that the only other person on board is Nebula.

Rocket: What the hell did you do to the ship?!

Nebula, bored already: The Terran did it. He said he needed to increase the oxygen levels.

“I’m just sayin…I’m just. sayin’…”

steve pls hes upsetting the dog

“Two years! Two!!!! Years!!!! I hadta hide in a foreign country like the saddest shiftiest hobo, and she gets Nick Fury’s personal number!!!”

Steve: Where are you going to be?

Peter: The library.