Autumnrequest

My dear love, you left a while ago. I always loved you, and I always will. I forgot how to love you like lovers do, but I learned to love you for the great human being you are. I learned how to love you as a friend, as the best friend you are now.

I was green when I met you 5 years ago, I turned red for 3 years and crashed black and blue the day you left. But you never left me for real. You were always there for me, in my darkest days. There was never a “no I can’t listen to your problems right now”, never a “you’re annoying”. Every question I asked, you replied with “Yes I can, yes I will, where and when?”. All those countless nights you stayed up for me, all those nights you came over to my place because I needed you to hold me. All my demons you tried to drown, even though you always knew they know how to swim. You never gave up on me, no matter how much I kicked and screamed. All the fights, all the struggles I went through, you walked with me, by my side, through everything and gave my head a place to rest, a place to find peace. And I was so blind, blind to the things you needed. Too blind to see, you might needed someone to lean on too. Someone to give you a place to rest and someone you can just be light with.

I wasn’t light. I was filled up with darkness and a heavy, broken heart. Before I met you, my life was filled with grief, anger, trust issues and disappointment. And then there was you. You fixed me and even though it took me a long time to realize it, you made me the person I am now. Maybe some things in life are not meant to last forever. Sometimes they just find and help us to get back on track, to go through a hard time, to give us a simple smile or to teach us a lesson. You taught me so many lessons, you taught me how to trust myself again. And even though you left me, you never lost my trust, you never lost my heart, you never lost your place inside the deep, muddled thing called my mind.

And I am thankful. I am thankful for every moment you held my hand. For every moment you made me forget about my past and how you drew my future. Thank you for teaching me how to fall in love again with life and the world itself. Thank you for encouraging me and thank you for still being there every single time I call or text you. Thank you for listening to my complaints about the new guys I dated, and thank you for wishing me good luck on the one I found some months ago. Thank you for still being protective and for watching over me. Thank you for the shoulder you still offer to lean on. And thank you for your asshole attitude from time to time, because without it, I would have never learned how to listen to and how to protect myself from the things that I love but which hurt so much.

And good luck to you. I know they say it’s rare. Some couples break up and it’s all drama and hate. But we are used to drama thanks to myself. There will always be a piece of me that misses you and wants you to come back, but that’s normal I guess. You’ve been with me for so many years and your mind is still a piece of mine. You were my first true love and I was yours. We’ll always be some kind of immortal in each other’s hearts and I like that idea, since death is an asshole I met too many times in my life. And it’s all good now, it’s all peaceful. I lost a lover but found the best friend I could ever ask for. Not a friend I can party with, not a friend I’ll talk to on a daily basis, but a friend that will never disappear.