the soul crushing experience of always being different and thus more difficult and time consuming than everyone else so all of your friendships fall to the side because you are too much work or just not important enough compared to other people.
There's never enough time to fit you into someone else's schedule, never enough days in the week, hours in a day, minutes in an hour seconds in a minute. You spend your days off work sitting alone in the center of your room because everyone else has somewhere to be, somewhere they fit into that makes it easier. You go to the doctor.
Your whole life you have floated from group to group desperately trying to sink your hooks into someone, anyone. You reach out, you try to make plans, months in advance, the day of, a few days before. They always fall through with a gritted excuse and a picture posted with someone they like more than you. You slam your hands over your ears because it is easier to not know than to remind yourself there is nothing good enough about you to keep.
You are tired. You can feel it deep in your bones that you aren't built for this, to be alone. Your mind swims with ideas and projects, factoids and tangents, things you want people to care about.
You have another day off you spend sitting alone in the center of your room because everyone else is busy. You go to another doctors appointment, you get bad news. You don't tell anyone because you're scared of dipping into time you know has been divided out for someone else.
Your friends go to the fair, they pity invite you to hang out when they're done.
Everyone is always texting you about how they miss you, but your conversations hold no substance, or truth. These people know nothing about you, but the thought of upsetting them makes you sick. It doesn't matter.
You go to the doctor, you get more bad news, You still don't tell anyone.
