Autistic Answers

That text post that's been making the rounds that goes something like "Omg you made it to the same red light as everyone else but faster and more dangerously and recklessly, should we call nascar? Do you want a medal?" summarizes exactly what I'm trying to talk about.

It's like when I have to change buses at one of the bigger and busier bus stops, and the people who get off the same bus as me shove and elbow past me to get off before me, and then shove and elbow past anyone even slightly in their way on the way to the bus they're switching to, only to end up on the same bus as all the people they shoved and elbowed, with several minutes to spare before it leaves and plenty of open seats left.

I think this unnecessary urgency a lot of people feel in their day to day lives drives a lot of bad behavior. I'm not saying I'm innocent of this (is anyone's?), I've felt it too in plenty of situations that didn't call for it, and regrettably was less kind than I should have been as a result. But I try to be aware of it, and always try to ask myself it it's really as urgent as my lizard brain is trying to tell me it is, and even if it was urgent, does that still justify unkind behavior?

Is shoving or elbowing another person aside going to make the difference between whether or not you make it to the bus before it pulls away? (hint: at least where I live, most of the time that's a no because the drivers usually won't leave if they see people from another bus heading towards their bus). Is shoving and elbowing people aside in a crowded grocery store going to make any real difference in how quickly you get your shopping done?

- Waiting in line at the store and the person behind you creeps closer and closer to try to pressure you forward, and ends up violating your personal space and making you uncomfortable, because they think creeping closer and pressuring the person in line in front of them will somehow get them through the line faster (it won't)

- Going through a self-serve buffet, and the person behind you keeps creeping closer and closer to try to pressure you to serve your food faster and get a move on. All it achieves is that you can't scoop your soup without elbowing them, and that's somehow your fault

- Crossing a crosswalk when the car waiting for you to cross creeps closer and closer to you to try to intimidate you into crossing faster (because using a 2 ton metal machine to try to intimidate a fleshy little ape you could easily kill with said 2 ton metal machine isn't acting like a bully at all no sir-ee)

- Honestly a huge heap of the poor treatment of service workers is also rooted in this sense of urgency in things that are not actually urgent

This blog post is more personal than my usual work. Writing it was difficult. But I also think it may be one of the more important things I've written.

Autistic people are told we are burdens. That we make the lives of our loved ones harder. We're told that we need too much and that we're doing everyone a big inconvenience by selfishly existing.

I don't know if they realize how it feels to hear that again and again.

I used to drown myself whenever I was near a swimming pool because I'd walk in without any floatation device or ability to swim, because I didn't understand that it was dangerous. I wasn't allowed anywhere near a pool unless one or both of my parents were nearby and in swimwear so they could jump in after me if I did that. It's possible your child will properly process the danger in his actions someday, even if it takes a while. And if he doesn't, there are other rules you can set that will make it easier for him to keep himself out of trouble.

"No, but-- he also won't speak to me if too much has happened during the day, we can't do as much as other people can or he shuts down!"

I used to go both non-verbal and have sobbing meltdowns nearly every time I had to practice the piano (which was daily for a while, and soon slowed to a stop because of the meltdowns) because the prospect of making a mistake was So Unacceptable to me in my mind that every time it (inevitably) happened it felt like the world was ending. Selective mutism in autistic people is strongly linked to sensory and emotional overwhelm. Additionally, there are autistic adults who grew up completely non-verbal and ended up having extremely fulfilling lives and successful careers. So, I don't think it's the worst thing ever that your child needs more downtime to avoid these shutdowns. Maybe you should pay closer attention to what exactly sets these feelings off in him and accommodate him without resentment or judgement.

"You don't get it. He's REALLY autistic - he can't even read without significant help!!"

My monotropism is so severe that it takes me a substantial amount of time to read things because my focus pinpoints words and letters completely out of order. I straight-up used to think I was dyslexic. I kept reading because I enjoyed the act of reading, even though it took me much longer than my peers to get through a book. Maybe that shouldn't be something you shame or pity your child over, and it's possible that if you get books that pertain to his interests that he might be willing to work on getting through the book properly - again, even if it may take him a longer time.

"But he doesn't even enjoy holidays! Every kid is SUPPOSED to enjoy holidays!!"

When I was a kid I'd have crushing existential meltdowns every birthday (and the days leading up to my birthday) because the moment I learned that old age leads to death, every birthday became a marker that I was getting older and was coming closer to death. My parents did their best to distract me from this by creating happy moments that directly related to my interests and were conscious of my social and physical energy levels. Maybe figure out WHAT it is about these holidays and celebrations that upsets your child, and work to not involve those things in the celebration, and/or work on distracting your child from negative thought cycles that are related to these holidays in a way that is accommodating for him.

"His stims are actually harmful, though!!"

I don't have good hearing anymore because I used to stim by playing music on my headphones so loudly I could feel the vibration in my skull. Unfortunately, harmful stims are real, but it's your job as a parent to not REPRESS, but instead REPLACE these actions with a suitable alternative that will satisfy the need without causing the harm. It is necessary to empathize and work on understanding your child in order to achieve this.

"Stop it. Shut up. My child is nothing like you and will never be like you. He's ACTUALLY autistic. He has PROFOUND autism. He isn't like you."

It's not okay to appropriate terms meant for people whose lives are very different from yours. People with high support needs need intensive daily support, e.g. help with tasks like bathing and getting dressed, and often a lot of supervision. This is a life with very little freedom and very little power.

This is one reason I think we should be using the term "higher LSN*" for people who can live independent "normal lives" while also finding the demands difficult. It's important to acknowledge your struggle without speaking over the most vulnerable.

*LSN = Lower Support Needs

Because when you take others' words, you silence their experiences. You sideline them and overwrite their stories with your own, instead of putting yours alongside theirs. And we should be valuing all experiences, not only yours.

Like bestie no. None of us are getting the support we need. The ones that are (which are few and far between), are exceptions, and even then I doubt people are really getting all the support they deserve from this very ableist society.

And ofc this affects everyone. I’ve seen lsn people go “ugh I wish I was higher support needs so people would take me seriously!!” not realising that it doesn’t help. (Disclaimer here that I am lsn so I don’t have any experience with being msn or hsn). But ive also seen higher support needs people (and their caregivers) overestimate the amount of support lsn people actually get, and underestimate the amount a lot of us need.

However, hsn people need more support. It’s literally in the name. Plus, capitalism being capitalism, a lot of available support is focused on people that can contribute to the economy, so when you can’t, society just doesn’t care as much about you.

I am smart. Throughout school there were a lot of expectations on me as a result of this, and simultaneously I wasnt being challenged at my level. This was, and still is, deeply frustrating. But I got my diagnosis. And because I struggle with a lot of aspects of school, now I’ve got several people at my school making sure they can keep my grades high enough for me to graduate. It’s still hard, but man, am I getting a lot of support.

It's not okay to appropriate terms meant for people whose lives are very different from yours. People with high support needs need intensive daily support, e.g. help with tasks like bathing and getting dressed, and often a lot of supervision. This is a life with very little freedom and very little power.

This is one reason I think we should be using the term "higher LSN*" for people who can live independent "normal lives" while also finding the demands difficult. It's important to acknowledge your struggle without speaking over the most vulnerable.

*LSN = Lower Support Needs

Because when you take others' words, you silence their experiences. You sideline them and overwrite their stories with your own, instead of putting yours alongside theirs. And we should be valuing all experiences, not only yours.

Shout out sped kids who don't relate or feel out of touch in fandom spaces due to feeling inferior or less intelligent.

Shoutout sped kids who are commonly not included in disability posts for people with ADHD and autism because you were not a gifted kid.

Shout out sped kids who were gifted kids until they couldn't keep up with the pace.

Shout out sped kids with intellectual disabilities.

Shout out sped kids with physical disabilities.

Shout out sped kids with mental disabilities.

Shout out sped kids who were abused by their sped teachers.

Most terrible painful “ misconception about autism “ have almost always come from other autism people . Say that severe autism is just stereotypes , that not real . So many level 1 low support needs high functioning people seem to think they only kind of autism . And . Completely forget about existence of *real* level 2 and 3 medium support needs high support needs and cognitive and intellectual disabled autism people . And say . Autism like Pixie have . Just “ stereotype “ that not actually possible or real .

@childofautism7374

@asexual-amanita

@autistic-robo

@autistic-answers

and finally, @autismaccount for all those cool surveys that you put out!

Please follow the people whom i've tagged, for they are super cool and are people who don't often get highlighted in the autism community unlike those who are white and more high functioning!

Also has what the response means.

If you forgive them:

"It's okay since you apologized." shows that what they did isn't fine, but you appreciate the apology and accept it. If they hadn't apologized it wouldn't have been fine.

"I know you didn't mean to, so I forgive you." means: I know what you did was not on purpose, and I accept your apology because it wasn't on purpose.