hazy

I'm still with Eliott in a way. like we’re open because he’s so far away and he’s not going to be home till March so I don’t think I've entirely committed a bad, but it still feels like I've somehow done something wrong

like I know he won't be here for the holidays, for Valentines. he’s missed so many lows and I hate that I feel like I'm always just waiting for him to come home, but knowing that he’ll only be back for a few months before leaving again is making everything feel so raw

the thing is, and I hate to admit this cause it feels really shitty, but those couple hours felt more intimate and more special than literally my entire relationship with Eliott and I’m not even entirely sure I like Jared. like okay yes I like Jared, and I’ve probably liked Jared for a lot longer than I’m willing to admit, but I’m an adult now and I know that if it was going to happen, it would’ve happened already. what was a really intense, sweet moment for me might not have had that same effect for him and thats honestly 100% okay 

idk. idk what I’m doing.

me: haha, AM I ? ;D

*morning*

the past two years have brought on a lot of good solid fun. particularly, I switched from college to uni, I stopped pining after guys I couldn’t get and started sleeping with a lot of guys I could get (oops) and I may have a small drinking problem

but otherwise things have been pretty solid. I mean I've grown up a whole lot in the past bit (I'm 25 now oh my fucking god) and I've levelled out a bit. I mean I'm not rage crying at the world on a weekly basis so theres that 

I joined a sorority. thats right, yah girl is literally a walking cliche 

my fella friend guy dude man thing is in Australia rn cause he works on a boat so we’re both open and theres a strong possibility I'm gonna end up fucking a guy who’s dressed up like bob ross tonight 

I'm honestly not overly proud of my life decisions but I mean I've got one year left of my under grad, a whole life time of bills and loans to pay back, and maybe fucking a guy dressed up like bob ross isn’t the worst possible thing I could be doing with my time 

it’s been a solid two years since I was last active so I mean like yes, I did shut up. you’re welcome

If anyone’s interested, I’m selling two tickets to the Montreal vs Toronto game on October 14th. I bought tickets entirely forgetting that I’ve got my cousins wedding that night and am now in panic mode a bit. 

much has happened over the past x amount of months. finished my first year of university for one. dealt with ekrem leaving the country, which was a whole other ball game. I lost my high school best friend in two weeks ago which was, by far, the hardest experience I’ve ever had to deal with, and I’ve come to learn a few things about myself I didn’t really think possible 

i guess what I’m trying to say is holy fuckballs batman, 2016 has been a clusterfuck. 

not all of it has been totally bad tho. I mean, I’ve strengthened all my friendships significantly and ekrem, my god. I thought this summer was gonna put the final nail in the coffin of whatever might have been happening between us but his texts have gotten increasingly more flirty as the summer’s progressed to the point where literally every conversation ends with a sappy little heart emoji and idek it just feels so good. so right