#ish?

i've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, so my perspective is quite limited here. but my grandpa was an alcoholic and the idea of an "addictive personality" got into my head after the first time i had alcohol at 13 and craved it every day, intensely, for like six months afterwards

didn't actually steal any alcohol or drink under my parents' noses because i just wanted nice wine, but

idk

- what is the difference between want and addiction

- what is the difference between lack of variety and addiction

- is novelty protective against addiction?

- novelty seems protective against a lot, actually

- some people seem to conceive of themselves as addicted to AI and it reminds me of porn addiction, where like--yes. i believe you are doing something more than you want to do it. but also that's not a chemical addiction and more importantly it is largely DUE TO YOUR MORALS that you conceive of your actions this way, people who use the same amount of AI and like it would not call themselves addicted, ditto porn, yes? i think?

- the gap between "science people" and "arts people," which is definitely false but go with me, seems so tied to perceptions of AI and also increasingly large. "useful, fun, fine" vs "the most evil thing on the planet, a corrupting poison." those aren't equivalent. i don't know any pro-AI people who think it's an unmitigatedly positive revolution and while plenty of my art friends are like "yeah AI is fine sometimes but i object to the labour/IP issues" i feel like more of them are in the "burn it with fire" camp

- a lot of this year has seen me reading books to the exclusion of all else, including food. i don't like that. but reading is Good and Healthful!

- something about, idk, ~all things are good in moderation~

- i prefer working on Large Chunks of a project as opposed to many small steps and having "this is X day" over "let's do X.1 for 20 minutes"

- the beauty of intense focus, the way words feel like fractals when writing is good, the utter hatred i have towards what feels like busywork and requires tiny task switching all the time

- rereading over and over and over and over

- none of us chose who we are; we all choose, every day, who we are

- the sum of your life is how you spend today, and the day before it, and the day before that. hopes and intentions are lovely but it's sad when they're all that's tallied. partially completed work is still done work. nothing is wasted.

- hawks are really pretty

- clothes are really nice

- i really love the idea of everything in my house being thoughtful, thought out, of intention and beauty balanced and bounding. and also sometimes you have an ugly notebook because there wasn't a better color and you needed a notebook

- "enjoy your time" is a damnably difficult instruction. simple, not easy, i think, but is it even simple?

1. How does it work in your au? Does it cause her pain or discomfort for not fulfiling her purpose? If yes how does she manage to deal with it?

2. Does Cho know? Is he trying to help her live with it?

Thats all I have for now. I love the way you draw them they're sooo cute together ahdjabdiauebsksbajsjdbs *explodes*

Have a great day/night!!!

I don't mind! I enjoy answering them :] Helps me flesh out certain details!

1. The Dark Lord's code, how does it work and affect her?

Dark is still an animation but feels "human" enough (same can apply to everyone else in the outernet universe and even the CG) hence it's not possible to 100% apply "human expectations" if that makes sense, especially when it comes to "functionality".

For Dark, the Code is embedded into her mentality like a script (literally). Hence why she talks that way because she was playing the role of the Antagonist meant to rival Chosen the moment she was created.

HOWEVER, that changed once Chosen convinced her to join him. That they could be something greater, that their FATE is not defined by anyone else but themselves. They can reach "true freedom". Due to this, Dark was able to free themselves out of character (going against the script) but the code still remained.

Dark's hope was defined by Chosen and thus Dark wanted to defy fate with Chosen, this strong newfound will become Dark's new fire that burns eternally. Similarly with how Chosen has a strong sense of freedom- but the two had very different definitions of such words. Dark's hope is skewed with her personal views, only associating said hope with absolute strength. She remained to have this worldview without any challenge, convinced it is most logical.

Anyways, Dark straying away from the code led to a "split". The best I could explain this is that Dark was able to split the Code from her "main brain" but the Code persists in a separate space only accessible when Dark is "idle" (sleeping mostly or if overcome with silence/lack of stimulation).

The Code scolds her and threatens her, saying that Dark's purpose is to fulfill the mission and finally die- because the Code wants "freedom" in the form of permanent death but Dark scoffs at it because why should she? Death is a coward's fate- hers is something greater!

Even so, Dark still faces the consequences of the split (side effects?) in which she constantly needs stimulation to drown the "sound" (Code's warnings, screaming, yelling, etc) and hence Dark can't sit still- only exception is if Chosen is around. Dark is actively trapping the Code in a box but was aware enough to poke holes in it so it breathes- and to represent that, Dark engages with destruction and mania- something that was indirectly enabled during Chosen's spree and hatred against what is "Human" (or what represents Cursors). But all Dark saw was beautiful destruction- that the mass Inferno was Hope itself.

Her condition is hard to really put on paper in a sense as it seems like she's successfully keeping it at bay... In her eyes. Truth be told, this desperation to defy fate ends with her circling back to her purpose- her design as an antagonist of some sort. Not only that, she approaches the issue more technically and removes the emotional and psychological factor because she, sadly, doesn't see herself as a "person".

So she treats herself as a puzzle only when she's able to break open and adjust. Because she's a genius, because she's designed to be one, and that she's above such useless code embedded into her. Yet somehow she's unable to "humanize" herself in a sense to see how badly she's spiraling into more destruction.

Her affections for Chosen misunderstood due to their complicated relationship and the miscommunication (or lack of communication especially from Chosen's end), her desire to defy fate in her own hands, all of it- it's a calculated madness she's felt comfortable in.

The Code, even when it is just a code, was also Dark in some matter. Funny enough, I have plans for it. Maybe in the future. Maybe!

In other words, Dark,

The moment you split us apart- you did not split us evenly.

We both remained, unsteady and uneven, until eventually one of us would fall so the other may take over.

Yet somehow, watching you fall, it brought me no joy or purpose. For some reason, I find myself wishing for you to succeed.

2. Does Cho know?

He sadly doesn't know of Dark's condition, Dark never told him as she saw it as her admitting to be weaker. She believes that if Chosen knew, he'd be disappointed to see that "his equal" wasn't exactly "equal" (but honestly, Chosen would've stayed by her side anyways because he loved her too much)

*trips* OOPS OH NOOOO, NOT MY SUPER DUPER ILLUSTRATION OF A SCENE FROM @omnivorousshipper'S AMAZING AND FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC FIC 'Knighthood to Motherhood' IN CHAPTER 5

live botnik reaction

Pose i used for ref:

TO THE NEVER SLEEPING HELLSITE!!!

And apparently never sleeping ME, it's 6:20 AM, holy shit-

Have an image:

Cuz I may be stupid, but at the moment I feel like killing everyone in this world and myself, but I'm babysitting 10 kids RN so murder prolly isn't the best option

Bleh